|Reviews for The Sakura Project|
| Emakoke chapter 7 . 8/23/2008
Reviewing as I read.
"and simply spun him around with a cruel jerk; finally giving Aidan a chance to see him" - should be a comma and not a semi-colon. If you read that out loud you wouldn't pause long enough to justify a semi-colon.
"It were his eyes" - "It was", I'd say.
Watch out for massive blocks of description (such as when you inroduce the elf man) as it is quite hard to digest. I'm guilty of this one too. Try and disperse the descriptions throughout the action.
"20 centimeters" - I'd spell out the numbers
The image of an elf wearing an orange hoodie is brilliant. xD
"he grasped Aidan’s throat threateningly" - can you grasp someone's throat in a non-threatening way? P
"thrust Aidan up against a wall harshly" - once again, thrust implies it is harsh without you needing to say so! There are a lot of unnecessary adverbs you could cut out.
"from the… attack" - why the ellipsis?
Sam's dialogue is great.
I wonder how you set the toilet on fire? xD
Anyways, good chapter. I assume the guys who tried to rob Aidan are going to feature again since you described them in such detail. I look forward to seeing who they are, anyway! Good worldbuilding too. I am still a bit confused about how exectly Aidan is going to save his parents but I guess that will become clearer over time!
Keep writing dearie. :D
| Emakoke chapter 6 . 7/8/2008
I was really looking forward to this chaper and finding out more about what TSP actually is!
"and your father was the seventh-second" - do you mean seventy-second?
"Aidan shrugged in a nervous way" - you already said that Aidan was nervous already, so be careful not to overkill! His body language (the shrug) shows he's nervous so you don't need to tell us as well.
Miss Sakura sounds awful. Especially the mind control thing. I hope she appears as an actual character later. I mean, I know you said she was dead, but what about the note at the beginning? I'm confused (in a good way)!
"Aidan blurted" - I don't like the word blurted, though I can't explain why. I think maybe it's a bit too much (you use it three times). Never underestimate good old "said" which is invisible and so doesn't get in the way of the action/speech.
Poor Sam. I feel so sorry for her. Does Miss Sakura not have the power to remove her from the game?
So Aidan says he has a quest now, but what actually is his quest? You never explicitly say so. Is it to save his mother? From what?
Anyway, good chapter. There was a lot of information but you managed not to make it a boring infodump. I was interested all the way through. And I look forward to finding out what Aidan's quest is and where all the characters fit in!
| Emakoke chapter 5 . 6/17/2008
Typo patrol: "very similar to that of a lions" - needs an apostrophe
I love the use of the word "noobs". xD
Yay, I know who Sam is! I like her. She seems like a really strong character.
"on its year s of creases" - another typo, though it may just be that FP put that random space in, as it so often likes to do.
I can't wait to find out everything in the next chapter. Update soon! Gosh, I really need to do some writing myself, too. o_o
| Emakoke chapter 4 . 6/17/2008
Hello! I never get why no one else reviews your stories...I have the same problem, only my friends review. o_o But anyway, lovely chapter dear. I don't really know what to say. It was really interesting, especially the whole thing about TSP. It sounds like a really cool game, but it's very sinister at the same time.
You know, I think we have very similar writing styles! It's weird, we are clearly twins. xD I think we have the same problem of over-describing a bit...though I am probably much worse. o_o But then both of us like to go really in-depth and avoid all the fluffy, trite stuff...do you know what I mean? Or am I talking nonsense again?
Anyway, yay for the next chapter! And if anyone else is reading this...REVIEW RACHIE'S STORY NOW. NOW!
| Emakoke chapter 3 . 6/12/2008
So! A good start. Usually I don't like caps lock but it definitely works when applied to the note because it gives her a distinctive voice and shows her urgency. I want to know what's happening!
I understand that Aidan wants to go outside and find his mother...but I think if I were in his position, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from reading the journal straight away. What stops him from doing so?
"that were a size to small" - typo!
"So, the 13 year old set off..." - we already know he's 13. No need to reiterate. "Aidan" or "he" will suffice every time, really.
"e sunk his teeth into its burn flesh" - another typo. Also, I don't know if it works to describe toast as having flesh...I'd just say, "the fresh snow reminded him of the sound of his teeth sinking into his blackened toast" or something. I do like the comparison between the toast and the snow though.
"Aidan found his mother." - Straight to the point. I like it.
The whole section about the wolves was great. I was so caught up in reading it that I wasn't even looking out for errors, but I don't think there were any. It was confusing but I'm sure that was the point-you don't want to reveal too much straight away.
The only thing I would say is that the last paragraph really, really confused me. Who is leaping at who? Whose point of view is it from? How many people/wolves are in the clearing? It would be good if you cleared that up a bit.
Anyway, great chapter! Update soon - I want to know who Sam is and what happens to poor Aidan. (
| Emakoke chapter 2 . 6/12/2008
Right! *maniacal grin* Let's see what we have heree!
"blinked wearily and slowly" - two abverbs, too close together...you have to be sparing with the ole' adverbs. They spell it out too much for me, which means I can't use my imagination as much.
"resting it upon" - "on" would do really...less is more. I know I'm being picky but it's because you're worth it! *tosses hair*
Interesting start. You don't give away too much information, so there's an element of intrigue.
In the *counts* fourth paragraph, four sentences in a row all start with "she". Try and vary it a bit.
"She never even had been a child" - Funny syntax. I'd say, she *had* never even been a child.
"thirty-four years old" - I am happy that she isn't the usual young, beautiful heroine. She's a real person instead.
"she let out along breath" - typo here methinks.
"Aidan rarely questioned their isolation, but never truly understood why he and his mother never went to cities or large towns" - oh, you're really grabbing my interest now. WHY? WHY RACHIE? WHHY?
"out of its hard, wiry hands" - I love the personification of the toaster. I don't know why, I just do.
The wolf incident is fascinating too.
"Could this mean…" - italicise this as it is a thought.
"he was too innocent and naïve about lives horrors" - should be "life's horrors"
"she nervously ran a hand through her thin hair" - once again, you don't need "nervously" because you have made it clear through her actions and thoughts that she is nervous.
I like the way Artemis tries to make Aidan happy through the meals she prepares him. It's sweet, but also very sad. You've definitely created a sad, dreary tone in the chapter (in a good way!) and it's set the scene for the story. So good job!
Oh good ending!
Well I hope this was helpful. I really enjoyed reading it! I'll go read the next chapter now...but update again soon!
Oh and I'm also going to reply to your email tonight!
| Emakoke chapter 1 . 6/12/2008
Rachie! I got the email saying you'd updated but I didn't have the time to review until now! Anyway, I'm so happy you posted a new story.
I love the prologue. It's really intriguing, especially with the referral to people as numbers, and the clinical tone. And the strange white creature. I want to read on to find out who Sakura and Devlin are...so I'm off tor ead the next chapter!