|Reviews for Malevolence|
| Ashelin Efflorescence chapter 1 . 6/26/2008
I found a few mistakes, so I took the liberty of correcting them for you. It's mostly commas, really. That's me- the comma nazi.
'It wasn’t the kid’s first retrieval mission(,) so Neron had no reason to dread his reaction.'
'Each member they had their allegiances directly linked to the Master. It was a written rule, inscribed into each of the minds that no one disobeyed the Master and lived.'
'He drank the woman dry(,) I tell you.'
'Xenos nervously laugh(ed)'
'Apparently, his lack of concern would cause chaos across the island(,) causing even more war which would destroy the lives of Charmaine citizens.'
'Xenos was just as good(,) if not better.'
'“You’re so smug(,) Arsen,”'
'Xenos shifted on his feet form the blow.' Did you mean "from"?
'“Here(,) Dear,” Kaylin said'
'“I hate to interrupt this little shouting match, but I believe I have some business with you(,) Chesney.”'
'“Well(,) Princess, I’m not your slave(. T)hat reminds me(:) where is she?”'
'He had bar(ely) gotten away with...'
'People tended to give him his space(,) though.'
'“You truly are an evil child(,) Xenos,” she hissed'
I would also recommend breaking up your chapters more- it gives the reader time to breathe. Know what I mean?
The capital sounds like a really cool place! I hope you can fit in a scene there, eventually. Oh, and I absolutely love Zevo.
'Chogan was also responsible for murder, famine, the destruction of Lesopho, and the common cold.' That made me chuckle.
| emotionless-stares chapter 1 . 6/14/2008
Well, I think this is off to a good start. Reading this kind of story isn't usually my type but Xenos' personality is intriguing. I mean, he's like curious, then mad, then dark. He has like a personality disorder I guess. I don't know. It's just a thought.
Neron is not my favorite character so far. He obviously holds Master as like his god. He's also cryptic and maybe even sadistic.
I like the twins. Arsen and Zevo are almost funny to see their disagreements. I don't like their dad. But I guess he's like typical cold hearted guy who wants his sons to hold up to their name but the fact that he dislikes Xenos, maybe even loathing him disgusts me I guess. I mean, he got whipped.
I like most of the characters and this chapter is very interesting. Oh, I think it's funny that Xenos was like no experience with girls.
I know it's hard to write really long chapters but keep up with the good work. I see great potential. It's a shame I don't see the number of reviews that it deserves. Well, good luck.
| DragnBreth chapter 1 . 6/6/2008
*whistles* Quite a lot happening in this chapter. Recognizing some old characters, I'm glad to see. Definately different than the original. Xenos is really a dark character. Very anti-hero-ish. Curious to see where the plot goes and interested in seeing the characters develop. Good job.