|Reviews for Rain|
| J.N. Lloyd chapter 1 . 7/10/2008
This was very quirky and interesting, I loved the reference at the end about needing shampoo! The italicizing was nice, and the imagery was good. Nice and short.
| poetofpain chapter 1 . 6/28/2008
I absultely love this, even though I can't spell tonight.I think I did this, or do this. But I really love this piece and this is a rathe rpointless review
| Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 6/11/2008
Review game - depth.
Firstly, I'd recommend some word economy. I think you could easily get rid of a few words here that a bit superfluous. Firstly, "crashing" on line three is already implied with "thunder" and it detracts from the image more than adds to it for me because it feels like you're over-explaining it. Also, the first "i" out of "i wish i had some shampoo", I skipped over it the first few times I read this and it's just not really necessary at all. Ditto for "anyway" on line nine. In such a short poem, each word should count and that doesn't really do much for this piece.
Secondly, your line breaks are sometimes awkward and sometimes great. I think the first break is solid but then keeping "my" on the third line just breaks the rhythm and reads oddly. I think putting that down on the next line would just make more sense. I personally don't like it when such little words are isolated at the end of a line, when read aloud it just doesn't feel right.
Thirdly, some of your phrasing is a bit plain. For example, I think there's a more interesting verb than "barely touching" out there. Ditto for "open arms" which I've read so many times before. I'd also think about switching "somehow/feels" to "feels/somehow". That way you get the cool enjambment of "headache feels/somehow".
Finally, careful of your punctuation. The parenthetic element can't really be a completely sentence and should really be the end of that sentence instead. That is, "...touching/the glass-/where is the water/anyway? And my..."
All in all though I like the quirky topic you've chosen here and it's a solid little poem that just needs a little tweaking.
| sweets555 chapter 1 . 6/8/2008
thats really cool.
i adore this times ten.