|Reviews for Canoe|
| Hoodwynk chapter 1 . 6/19/2008
My favorite lines above all are 'and you move the lake with a peice of wood' All in all, it was a great descriptive peice, but it really seemed to me as if you took it to a philisophical level in the ending thrid.
| fairytale failure chapter 1 . 6/18/2008
I like the contrast you have between the description in the poem and the last few lines. First you explain all of the discomfort the narrator is going through, then turn it around to say that even through the difficulty there is no where they would rather be. One place confused me a little bit - "the watter meant/to keep you cool/makes you shudder/and freeze" - what water were you talking about?
| miscellanea chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
The format of this piece contributes to the mood by rushing you through it - leaving the sensation of taking everything in at once. However, in order for me to really appreciate your wording, I had to go back myself and kind of break it up. I think although your format is helpful in some ways, it would be delivered better if it was in stanza form.
Your choice of words really made this poem. I could really feel the momentary chill, subsequent heat, etc. So good in that respect. :-)
| Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 6/15/2008
Personally I'm not a fan of the short lines. It gives this poem a choppy feel that doesn't quite work with the content in my opinion. I think a lot of the lines could be paired up quite easily i.e.
The taste of salty sweat leaks onto dry lips.
The paddle pushes against sore, red calluses
that burn at a constant pace. A wind blows
that leaves you shivering for one second,
the water meant to keep you cool makes you
shudder and freeze ...
I also think stanzas would be a good way to separate out the tangents of this piece. I guess my one big suggestion is to give this more structure.
Other than that I really enjoyed the content of this piece for your imagery and story. It's very much an "in-action" piece which gives a cohesive picture.
Finally, check out the Review Marathon - it's part of the Review Game. There's a link in my profile.
| Chidori Nadare chapter 1 . 6/14/2008
I can see the image of a canoe floating around the river. This is some of the best imagery I've read. Really beautiful and not overbearing. The formating is like how it would drift along the water (that's the best way to describe it, if it makes sense). I love this poem and I enjoyed every second reading it. Great job!
| Ashelin chapter 1 . 6/13/2008
It's amazing how beautiful the pain can be when it's so natural as this. Just taking in everything.
I really like your word choice in this poem, and the style that you used. It really developed the flow. Also the last line really wrapped up the feelings you were trying to portray I think. I don't know if there was anything I didn't like about it, the whole thing seemed pretty excellent. Great job!
| angels know the rest chapter 1 . 6/13/2008
The discriptions were very nice. To me, the poem suggests that paddling through the hot sun and freezing water is worth it if you can just get nowhere, and that made me think. I like it!
| AnyaRei chapter 1 . 6/10/2008
ohh like a tempetarure...
I love the part the water meant
to keep you cool
makes you shudder
but you are quickly
too hot again...
| simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 6/9/2008
The descriptions here are really beautiful. I also like how you punctuate it correctly. The few parts where you add some alliteration was nice too,.
| mate.feed.kill.repeat chapter 1 . 6/9/2008
Ah, beautiful imagery. I like how for a while in the beginning, you didn't define who was in the canoe, and then suddenly it was me-a very nice touch.
The scratching lines drove me nearly to insanity, as did the rest of it about the burning sun and the heat. The ending was a great contradiction to what had seemed like torture up until then. The ending made everything seem really peaceful and tranquil.
This piece actually made me think of the book I'm reading right now. "Life of Pi" by Yann Martel.
Very nice piece.
| a silenced revolution chapter 1 . 6/9/2008
I like the short line breaks, which somehow seem to be more effective at evoking the scene. I also like the lines about the malice from the high sun; it's an unusual and fresh way to describe heat.
"Your stomach muscles protest
and you move the lake with"
-It seems like perhaps the "and" would better be "as", unless the stomach muscles are protesting for a different reason than the effort of moving.