Cool.

*giggles* Ah, that's a funny place for a portal-type-thing...lol. Good writing!

wow, this is so good! Garwen is my favorite character, although Ven and Catalina are very close. How you make entire worlds like this, i dont really know, but i hope to learn how! lol, awesome story!

Hello! I'm a member of writers 101 and i saw your email where you advertised your story and I decided to check it out ;)

Hm...The first thing i noticed was this sentence:

Usually Jeff Saunders heard the sound of padded booties on the floors of the psychiatric ward, but today almost everyone was outside enjoying the sunshine and breeze, and there was no sound except for his own scuffling feet against the cold tiles that lined the hallway.

:You used 'sound' twice. Hows about you replace it in the first part with 'squeak' or 'thump' or something that allows the reader to visualize what the footsteps sound like? My suggestion in this case would be to get a thesarus. They are great for finding substitute words that can replace those pesky common ones. ;) (I had to buy my own copy and it is a life-saver)

Garwen Fleede was a strange young man only in the ward because he had been accused of killing his older brother despite the fact that he insisted Quent Johnson had committed the murder.

:Hm...this seems like a little too much info to give the readers at this moment or at least to shove in one sentence. Maybe you should only say something like:

Garwen Fleed, a strange young man, was in the ward for the gruesome murder of his older brother; though he insited to anyone who'd listen that he'd been framed.

:Something like that and then spring it on reader's later (after you introduce Quent Johnson) that thats the guy who Garwen believes commeted the murder. Just a tip for building suspense and keeping readers interested. ;)

reptilian eyes.

I just love that! It's totaly original and awesome!

Hm...again, this sentence seems like too much info shoved in one place. I suggest you break it up. Here, I'll try and give you a (i'll admit it) poor example:

Doctors could say he wore contacts to alleviate their lurking suspicions, but the mouth full of razor-sharp teeth the scaly-looking red skin couldn't be explained by modern logic. Neither could the two horns curling from his head.

:Something like that, to show how creepy it is or something.

Oh! I like this story, I wonder what will happen?

Onward to chapter 2 (when i have some free time, lol, i should be doing chores)

Ciao!

-nicola

Ps~ this review is really long! Sorry, lol.