OK. OK. I am going to favourite this story. It is incredible. I cannot believe this is not published. It has the depth and maturity of a published book.

Although I am a non-believer of God, I respect people who have their religions and your somewhat offhanded way of referring to god sort of gave the impression you (the main character) believed him him sincerely and faithfuly.

Contratulations to a great sucess on a story.

Narq.

[I just sat and twitted my thumbs]

I'm fairly sure you used the wrong word here. I think you meant 'twiddled.'

I'm somewhat confident you switched between present and past tenses at times.

[“Oh,” she said softly.]

You don't need 'softly' here. It's implied through the dialogue.

[“Oh,” she said quietly]

Try not to modify the word 'said' with an adverb; there's usually another verb you could use, or just simply use 'said' since the dialogue can usually imply whatever the adverbs tells.

[She smiled wanly, “I’ll tell you if you tell me.”]

That's an action. Period after 'wanly.'

[Then slowly as I started to reveal more, I told her about my HIV positive status,]

I felt 'slowly' wasn't really needed here, since by saying 'started to reveal more' it's implied. Adverbs weaken otherwise good prose.

[folded calmly in her lap.]

Having your hands folded in your lap is already a pretty good image of 'calm.'

[I snorted, “Why wouldn’t he? I spent the last twenty something years acting like he doesn’t exist. According to a lot of people, he doesn’t exactly forgive a heathen.”]

Again, action. Should be a period after snorted. If you had said 'I said' or a variation it would be okay to have a comma, but an action like 'snorted' or 'blinked' would have a period.

[“I,” I gasped, “am so sorry.”

“So is the rest of the world,” she murmured, “so is the rest of the world. He’s only seven years old. I’m out here since it hurts too much to be in there. My husband’s the braver one.”]

Yes, this is what I'm talking about: the verbs are much better than adverbs said. Not that said is a bad word, though; just when an adverb is attached needlessly.

You waxed a bit philosophical in parts where you could've... I don't know, showed it? Maybe put a little more depth in the character; we never even got the name/gender(?). Unless it was meant that way, like this could by anybody out in the world.

However, I do feel you portrayed the situation well.

There weren't any typos to speak of.

Nice job.

I feel like crying...it was so sad! I wish I knew who the redhead was though.

A thoroughly enjoyable story, well done!

The main character was very easy to empathise with, very typical, very normal in a way. I like how he reacts to the whole situation, it raises questions about how I personally would react to the situation.

The writing was of great quality as well, no spelling errors I could spot or anything like that. It didn't overload on description, which is a good point in my book, it allows the reader to build up their own unique world, making it more enjoyable.

The dialogue was realistic, character reactions were good, they seemed to fit with people's personality. I think maybe the woman at the end seemed a bit too casual, I think she was probably trying to take her mind off her son, but you don't mention anything of the sort.

The ending was very good, speaking to the reader, and very powerful last sentence. It keeps the story in your mind for a good long time. A very good read, well done.

I love this. there's something about the ambiguous ending, where the character doesn't know if they believe or what they believe, but then that last line just has this strength and bravery. in less talented hands it could have sounded cliche, but for some reason here it just seems to fit.

That was... nice, in a way.

)

-MisuzSirius

I kinda want to go up to her and shake her consistently and yell:

"YOU ARE NOT A LOSER."

I like the big words (ex. diatribe)

This sounds so realistic, it's amazing.

I can see someone (coughmecough) saying this.

It's so devestating and horrible and wonderful at the same time.

btdubbs, I didn't find any errors! :D

kthnxbai,

Martin the Waterskier

The first sentence was gripping and the title is perfect for such a piece. Good job. Your piece was real and sad. It got sort of confusing though- it took me a few to realized who the red-head was. Besides that, it's good. You've got talent. :]

this was very touching. i thought it was well-written, and i don't really read many stories like yours... dealing with death in a realistic way. you did switch tenses sometimes (past tense and then present tense - " I sat on the plastic chairs outside of the room. I couldn’t sit still. I must have looked like an overgrown two year old. [...] It comes from a woman who looked like she had seen better days." mm. i give you a thumbs-up for this for the realism that it portrays (no random hot guy entering her life, only floating through her life and giving a down-to-earth opinion on religion). keep writing! and thank you for reviewing my story :)

THat's so sad. I feel like there should be more of it. I want there to be more. I hope there is. Eventually.

A few verb tense problems at the beginning, where I also liked the humor. Like, "I want some pasta."

Actually, that does sound good.

Good of you, man. Deal with it when you get there, eh? Have a nice life.

What a tragic story.

The ending surprised me a bit. After all that I thought the narrator would reach some kind of... happier acceptance, if there is such a thing. In an odd way it reminded me of Albert Camus' 'The Stranger' - the fact that the narrator holds no faith in God, though the ending seems bleaker here.

Good writing, though! I like your style. You started off marvelously, I thought. That first sentence pulled me right in.