|Reviews for The Children of Anama: The Prophecy Fulfilled|
| DreamQueen16 chapter 4 . 10/12/2009
In this chapter there was a little logical fallacy that you may want to correct in the future. You have Aileen reading the story and in the story it says that exactly 50 years in the future Aileen will be born, but in chapter one they say that they don't know when she will be born. They just know that she will come to save them someday. One thing I would really like to see is some more character development. Aileen just kind of takes everything in, but she doesn't really react to it. Like when she hears the news of her imminent death, she is just like "Oh, okay. Well, I'm hungry now." Try and develop her character and Adara's character more. Show us their interactions, and have them describe their fears and longings. I feel like both of them can come to be very interesting, but currently they fall a little bit flat due to their lack of development. Your main concern when you write this story is to ask yoursef, have I shown the readers rather than told the readers what's going on?
| DreamQueen16 chapter 3 . 10/11/2009
I feel like this chapter was a little bit confusing from the readers perspective. My main problem was that if she's losing so much blood and the hunters are on to their scheme, as you call it, why wouldn't the hunters follow her to the safe house? They could just follow the footprints or the drops of blood through the snow to the house. Maybe you could have the woman using some brush to sweep their tracks away. Also, you don't indicate that she still has the book as she's making her escape. Maybe you could alude to how the book on her back was jiggling about as she ran, and how accompanied with her wound it was making escaping very difficult. Also, another thing to work on is you write in the past tense/passive voice a lot. Try to write in a more active manner. As a reader constantly reading passive voice is very difficult to do, and can sometimes become a turn off.
| DreamQueen16 chapter 2 . 10/11/2009
One thing that struck me as odd when I read your note at the bottom was that you imply that her family died in the attack. I never got that from reading it, however. I felt like it was more that she was separated from them and now was on her own. Maybe you could make that a bit more clear in your writing. I feel like you're focusing more on the plot in your head and are having a hard time getting it out on paper, because you definitely have a clear idea of what happens, but that doesn't come out to the audience. I'd just try and work on that a little more.
| Fake Pen chapter 2 . 1/27/2009
It all happens very suddenly. Conveniently after she learns everything she needs to, she loses her whole family.
Your descriptions can be quite unnecessary. Readers don't need to know how tall her parents are. If you really feel the need to, you could put it more subtly. And plus, they're not going to be important, so it doesn't really matter what they look like.
Also, Aileen has some Mary Sue characteristics associated with her. To list a few things - she looks unusual, is the child of a prophecy destined to save the world, and is reluctant to do it. Mary Sues aren't necessary bad if they're done well, but they can easily annoy readers due to their superiority, uniqueness and predictability, so you'll have to write an extremely good story to patch things up.
On the picky side of things...the prophecy was centred in the previous chapter and not in here.
Also there are typos and grammatical mistakes - you might want to fix those up.
| Fake Pen chapter 1 . 1/27/2009
It's a very interesting background and all. The only thing that put me off was the part about absorbing the DNA of something big. I don't think it actually quite works that way. It might be much better to use something else that represents the size of something more accurately.
You can also feel free to put more commas, dashes, semicolons, brackets - sentences breaks in general.
| MagicWords chapter 4 . 9/27/2008
Ok this is still good.
there were a few minor spelling typos. (no big deal)
but i think you have a good start.
I wonder what will happen with the next chap.
maybe read me?
| MagicWords chapter 3 . 9/27/2008
Wow its been soo long since you updated! Keep going though cuz this is really interesting!
| MagicWords chapter 2 . 6/10/2008
Good, very intersting.
just make sure that this intense situation with the alarms is lengthened. it felt rushed to me. but it was excitng.
just be sure to add more description. Other than that cant wait to read more!
| MagicWords chapter 1 . 6/9/2008
ok this is a good start. one suggestion: i would explain why they began to call the children Anama. i was really confused by that...i mean, why call them that of all things?
but anyways, i really like this idea.
i love the idea of the hunting society. that is sure to be intesnes throughout your story. awesome. keep writing