|Reviews for Ringless Floral Fingertips|
| Durak chapter 1 . 7/18/2008
As the problem I seem to have with your poetry tends to be, you're a lot like T.S. Eliot, just without the allusions. You can talk about the sky being stretched like a patient etherised upon a table, and even though I don't really know what that means, the imagery is too powerful to hate on.
That said, I'll try and not criticize EVERY line; at the very least, free verse suits you well, so I have no critiques regarding meter or rhyme.
"Self worth and self words" appealed to me on a very linguistic level; saying it with a Spanish (not necessarily Barcelonian) accent made it a near rhyme. Of course, "worthy" and "wordy" are much closer - and would be an /actual/ rhyme in Spanish - since the "th" in worth is unvoiced and d is a voiced dental, but now I'm probably just speaking gibberish to you. My point is, it's a creative near-rhyme many people wouldn't pick up on.
The overall "falling apart" imagery you use so literally - without actually directly referencing the idea of "falling apart" - is real boon. Making "confidence" corporeal was very clever, and the image of it sliding down into your footprints a great first stanza.
What I dislike, though, is you using verbs without subject: accumulating what? Slightly choking what? Also "in my depth"? I didn't really get much of an image from that, which is why it bothered me so much. Depth of your heart? Soul? Being? Emotion? What?
I agree with a previous reviewer who said the second stanza, first line should have a hyphen - it really does help the flow.
The parallels between "fail" and "fall" and "apple trees" and "juicy dry of unripe asphalt" both dovetailed quite nicely, I'd say.
"No-One Everyone" is nice, and I like how they are both capitalized, but I think they need to be separate, perhaps by a line break. That line just runs itself together and looks a bit jumbled.
Also like that other reviewer said "They're" should probably be "He's" or "She's" or "It's", since the "They're" makes it sound like you mean "Everyone" is hiding, not the "No-One", which is who you said you were looking for.
"Pretty-patter" is an excellent nonsense word.
"Corrupt the ugly faces", while an interesting contrast, made little sense to me. How are you corrupting the corrupted? And by just walking by?
The stanza about the hips was very interesting. I liked that a lot; but you lost me at "bones and noised tiled all across their waves." "Tiled"? And I guess by "waves" you meant something like curves? But what exactly are the noises - the songs your hips are singing? Nice reference to sticks and stones, though.
"Quiet sins" was a bit creepy, but I thought it very interesting to think about in the context of you meaning that singing and being happy was a "sin" that you didn't want your hips to be a part of; like the overbearing mother kangaroo in "Horton Hears a Who", you know? (Also, 'whining child' further reinforced that idea, I thought.)
Come to think of it, the whole stanza really enforced that idea; and while those sins would be anything but "quiet", it was a very well-written stanza all over, especially when you get into talking about "/when/ they break you you'll be safe" (my own emphasis.)
The subject shift confused me. Handmade hell was a nice phrase, but you can't still be talking to the hips? Good imagery in the stanza - very summery, very pleasant - but who it is addressed to escaped me.
Fifth stanza, good reinforcement of the fourth, but again - who are you addressing?
"Fingers mumbling" was a very nice metaphor; "fluency denied" made it excellent.
"Divorcing [the beads]" instead of just relying on "unbutton" was another wonderfully poetic turn.
What color is a grapefruit seed, anyway? But, it's a good continuation of your summer references, and keeping things sounding sweet and fruity - but then again, grapefruits are very sour... I feel I may be reading too much into it at this point.
"I see you make love to sleep that's stuck between your teeth" - that was a weird line. Stuck between your teeth is what threw me off. The sleep is in their teeth? That's a metaphor that flew right over my head.
"Waiting for knowing that glows into the sheets... hoping loneliness will fade back into the crumpled clothes I killed... I kiss" - this stanza comes off awfully sexual, even before the three lines I just referenced, but it's isn't... well, it's not the sort of Hollywood sexual or music sexual that just beats you over the head with itself. I think it's very well done; reminds me of more "Biblical" ways of talking about the subject, or the way it's talked about in the song "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen. (I prefer Rufus Wainwright's cover, personally; it was in the Shrek soundtrack. You may have heard it before.)
The last stanza was very, very good. Why knees and elbows, I have no idea, but "winter clothes" and "bloated" were both excellent choices of imagery.
Like I said before: You've got some fabulous images and ideas in here. It's just really, really hard to sort out.
| October Sun chapter 1 . 7/12/2008
That was...awesome. Fear-inspiring. Just...whoa.
| One-Hand Clap chapter 1 . 6/15/2008
Just right off hand, before I've even finished reading this poem, I've got to say the structure (just the shape of the text) annoys me kinda. Sorry! I don't understand the phrase 'self-words' - do you mean like 'self reassurance'? I'm sorry, I'm being so abrupt and I'm usually a lot nicer about reviewing... It's just I have this dreadful headache... Never mind.
'And rolls across my spine accumulating'
I think there should be a comma in between spine and accumulating.
I think a lot of these lines could be melded together - such as:
'Where I walk is beautiful
Or so they say'
Could just as easily be 'Where I walk is beautiful - or so they say'. It gives it a better flow because right now it's very disjointed.
'naked knees', also
sounds kind of weird - Sorry!
Anywho, one thing I liked about your poem was the general subject matter, and I think I've covered what I didn't like, so yeah.
| groovi-gal-numba1 chapter 1 . 6/14/2008
this poem is positively beautiful. i love it. All the metaphors, all the imagery... its like every line has meaning. i love it. i cannot think of a single bad thing to say!
the opening got me straight away - straight away i knew that it was gonna be amazing! good work! KEEP IT UP!
| SirScott chapter 1 . 6/13/2008
All I can say is that your poems keep getting better and your style is getting more mature.
| Tabi Berkey chapter 1 . 6/12/2008
that was amazing :)
excellant work. fantastic.
| East-0f-Eden chapter 1 . 6/12/2008
it's very pretty. I can picture it.
| miscellanea chapter 1 . 6/12/2008
The first stanza was my favorite, it was beautiful and I loved how it personified the dress (I think...). The whole thing was laced together really nicely, and it stuck to a theme as well, I liked it.
| BlackestOpal chapter 1 . 6/12/2008
That is beautiful.
It was just amazing.
"But perhaps if you stay you’ll find something else
A little sweeter than your handmade hell
Like lilac scented summers tipped in raspberry grasses"
I loved those lines. Especially "handmade hell".
I can't really think of any.
"Though I wish I could find this No-One Everyone speaks of
They’re so good at hide and seek though"
I'm not sure whether or not "they're" fits grammatically. No-one is singular.
(Though, I might be reading it wrong)
Fantastic poem. I love it so much.