|Reviews for Betrayed|
| Kanilla chapter 1 . 8/19/2008
Poetry is too often hard for me to understand or grasp when I read it, but even so, reading this piece I feel strange, like I understand but at the same time I don't. It feels sad to me, but I love that.
| deefective chapter 1 . 7/19/2008
Oh, I absolutely love this. The imagery is so ON it's amazing. I only had to read this once to get it and still I don't fully understand it. That's the beauty of poetry like this. I think the fact that you wrote this in the first person just adds even more to it. It's like the reader can actually read the thoughts of this person. Amazing job.
| Lily von Rider chapter 1 . 6/20/2008
This poem is well written. I especially liked the last two lines. I once heard a person say "I have to live with my body for the rest of my life so I have to be happy with it" and I can see the same message in the last two lines, yet different, but effective. Its not a way people look at their bodies, but truth is, it's one of the things you'll always have to live with which is why I feel the line "From the traitor I can never leave" is absolutely brilliant.
I find the structure of the poem interesting. Starting with 7 lines, then the second stanza has 10, the 3rd has 12 and the last has 8 then the last 2 separated lines on their own, if I counted correctly. It's a very interesting structure, but the words seem "clumped together" (too much too soon). I feel the structure works well with the poem, but I still feel like advising more spacing. I think you could've divided the fourth stanza into two.
But overall, nice poem, and the last two lines remain my favourite. It completes the poem well.
| JRockFan chapter 1 . 6/19/2008
Very good poem and I could relate.
| the face in the window chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
i love "Typing mistakes into my poetry". i can relate. nice write.
| mate.feed.kill.repeat chapter 1 . 6/15/2008
Ah, such beautiful imagery! You are truly a talented writer.
This seemed rather playful up until about the middle of the third stanza or so. Then, it became more angsty and all the more interesting.
First-your word choice. Superb. There really is nothing else to say about that; you chose the best words possible to keep the reader's eyes flowing through this piece. The double meanings of some of the lines really made this piece unique.
Second-your stanzas. Another amazing aspect of this piece. Each stanza had a rhythm of its own and all five flowed together beautifully. The first stanza was a great attention-grabber and the last stanza was the perfect conclusion. Your line breaks were perfect.
Last-a suggestion. Since the game says I should look for something to improve upon, well... it is hard to say in this piece. I like how you wrote it, but another approach you might take is to add punctuation to offset the capitalization of each line. This may also change the rhythm a bit, but I think it would be another interesting take on this already beautiful piece.
| Chidori Nadare chapter 1 . 6/14/2008
I like this one. It's really rhythmic and feels very play-like. Somehow like an actress would perform on stage. The imagery is really great but the message seems sad. I enjoyed this one and great job.
| SirScott chapter 1 . 6/13/2008
You can't win for trying, darn body anyway.
| B. M. Sandy chapter 1 . 6/12/2008
Very interesting poem. I loved the imagery. I liked the message too, although fairly sad. Great job. You're really talented!
| dyingtoseethestars chapter 1 . 6/12/2008
Very rhythmic at points, the poem was complex and insightful, while picturing a single spotlight on the reader, performing the poem as it is read. Very well done!
| East-0f-Eden chapter 1 . 6/12/2008
your usage of action and rhyme scheme was nice.