|Reviews for Nemo|
| NoNameNeeded chapter 4 . 6/2/2012
You seem to like attacking people with forks
Care to explain?
| OnceUponAFeudalFairytale chapter 6 . 1/2/2012
It was beautiful.
| CinderellaWithCombatBoots chapter 6 . 8/29/2009
I love the darkness to the story and Nemo's character. It's really good. You better be writing more or I'll...or I'll...I'll kick your ass! How original. So sue me. I'm practically half asleep but I can't actually fall alseep. I have CFS and imsomnia. Lovely. Haha. Write more soon, it's awesome :P
| mad-one123 chapter 6 . 5/31/2009
god i love this story. i wish u would continue. sob. i dont like nemo. but i love ash and nico! hate-love relationships are the best. and i like the angst as well. im really curious as to if ash loves nico, or if nico really likes ash back.
| Damien Vlashtov chapter 1 . 4/17/2009
You have a decent frame of a story. It's clear you have something going on in your head, but at times it feels awkwardly articulated. It was just difficult for me to get through, I felt like I had to force myself to get through parts of it. You should use lines or spaces to break up the paragraphs when you change scenes-this will make it more obvious and improve flow. Furthermore, I think you should give more descriptions about the people/ places/ situations...just a bit more concrete evidence to map out exactly what your world is. It just seems like you have a lot of good ideas loosely laced together; you need to flesh them out, solidify them in space and time. You have some great snippets-I love how Nemo knows when "death has come to get him", or when ash smears the semen on him-effective imagery. But it was difficult to get to / enjoy these when I was continually wandering through a haze of "where am I?". Perhaps an issue of general writing style, and what exactly you want the reader to come away with. What you see in your head isn't always what the text gives away Also in terms of flow, I would personally change how you being the story, and remove the first line. It's not a bad line, it just doesn't really fit to me.
As for specific critiques:
2nd chapter: "The pain was unbearable...He didn’t want it to stop. 'Just a little more'" If the pain was unbearable he WOULD want it to stop. Perhaps unimaginable is a better word.
5th chapter: "Nico pressed his thumbs against muscles below Nemo ears..." change "Nemo ears" to Nemo's ears.
6th chapter: "...the faint smell of old bread purged out of them" I don't think purged is exactly the word you're looking for. Contextually, you seem to mean "emanated", purged would insinuate that the smell of bread had existed in the walls until humidity forced it out-in reality mold is the source of this smell.
"He felt heart-broken every time he laid eyes on her.
'So…what are the rules?' Elle smiled lopsidedly, a distant gleam in her deep brown orbs."
I would change "every time he laid eyes on her" to "every time he saw her" and "a distant gleam in her deep brown orbs" to "deep brown eyes". It just doesn't fit in with the tone here. I just don't like the use of "orbs" in this context, almost like you're trying to hard to find a synonym for "eyes".
That's all I have for criticism. Good job on your story, it takes a lot of concentration to articulate a long and complex story. You definitely are a good writer, you have some lines that are simply wonderful. Sorry for the overly long and perhaps negative review. Long stories require long reviews. And I had to be more critical in response to your, "write me a real review instead of bullshitting me with your rabid fangirling."
Rabid fangirling. PERFECT illustration.
Keep on writing
| SerialXLain chapter 6 . 3/22/2009
Your author's note saddened me. But I won't whine. I guess.
I like that last sentence of Elle's. I kind of like her in general. She seems pretty kickass.
| SerialXLain chapter 5 . 3/22/2009
D'aw. D: Little Nemo.
I'm in love with your descriptions. Very much in love.
I had something else to say, but I forgot it, and this sentence is useless because you'd be none the wiser if I wasn't rambling.
| SerialXLain chapter 4 . 3/22/2009
Really fucking late review for you here.
I hate little kids. I think I would've liked a Little Nemo. It's the "normal" kids that are annoying... Hmm.
I must confess that the name Ash reminds me of Pokemon, but I like his character despite thinking of Pikachu now and then.
| Anaben chapter 1 . 3/5/2009
Warning to reviewer: an ad hominem argument is sufficient to invalidate your criticism.
I enjoyed your story for its imagery more than anything. It strikes me as simliar to the novels of Brite.
I believe that your writing cannot be legitimately interpreted as one solely of prurient interests since the sophisticated manner in which they are described is an artistic medium that takes precedence over content and even intention.
| AnnaG.Luv chapter 1 . 2/13/2009
I haven't read a vampire story in a long time. This seems like a good one to pick back up with.
| Royal Bliss chapter 1 . 1/30/2009
The first sentence of this was a decent hook, it made me want to read on.
But that probably was the only interesting thing about this chapter. You lost whatever you had in that first sentence after that... I mean, if I wanted to read some self-pity, I'd probably check out some 13 year old's journal.
Sure, you have a nice grasp on detail and imagery... but that alone isn't going to make a strong story. As I was reading this I grew bored. I even thought of things that would have been more meaningful to my life than reading this "story".
I was wondering when the hell it was going to get any better or when it would get to the point of what actually was going on. Then I came to the conclusion that there was no point and that this was just written so you could get your rocks off. This is an excuse to write a vampire prone to pedophilia and sexual promiscuity. Sure, if you want to be a male vampire who preys on young boys you might as well go hang out at McDonald's Play Place, I'm pretty positive you can find all the young boys with soft supple bodies you want. Hell, it seems like you'd enjoy taking pictures of them as well. But, who am I to judge. It seems like your reviewers share the same fetish as you and for that I say, congratulations you found your "friends" and/or accomplices maybe you could all get together and go to McDonalds or your nearest playground and prey on al the young boys you want.
But as for this "story" ... give up. Please.
Jesus H. Christ
| Kneecap chapter 4 . 12/13/2008
Wow...it's taken me a while to get to reading this...
"modern French windows" - I don't think those are a real thing, there are just 'French windows' (the ones that open outwards and are big enough to walk through). Therefore, you need a comma after 'modern' to show that it's being used as an adjective.
"She didn’t seem to think much at all." - you wrote that, but didn't give any evidence as to why Nemo thought she didn't seem to think much?
Uh...does Nemo ever NOT feel tired and sleepy? Seriously...narcoleptic?
"watching a vampire watching telly." - it's a bit ugly to use a verb twice in the same sentence. Try 'gazing at' or another synonym.
"and she was forced to marry Jerry" - 'she was' should be 'she had been' or 'she'd been'. I see why you used 'was', 'cause you'd already said 'had been' just before that...but it's still good grammar to use 'had been' in this instance xD.
You switch POVs sometimes, which is fine. It's just that when you switch between Nemo and his mother, I'm never sure if it's actually her thoughts being written, or what Nemo thinks her thoughts would be, 'cause we've not actually been introduced to her character yet...:s (in person).
"The path Nemo would walk was carved before he was born - I like that line :)
"sickness stab her in the stomach" - sibilance . Makes that sentence very powerful (Y).
"the child she was to loose" - should be 'lose' :D.
"broken shafts of sunlight coursing through the curtains." - wonderful imagery.
I liked the tension between the two parents. Where they undermined one another's opinions :).
Just out of interest...are Nico and Ash incubi? 'Cause they seem to like sex a lot...
"crawling on to top of the breathless boy." - take out the 'to'.
Ooh! I still wonder what the 'sweet liquid' is...I like something to wonder about .
Nice ending; tense :). Just a few small things to sort out.
| Faith Adeline chapter 5 . 11/28/2008
Interesting. Some things are confusing, it's not really flowing well, so work on that. I'd only focus on one person's pov of things, instead of getting into everyone's mind, might make things a bit clearer. Other than that, I like it. Keep it up.
| CrimsonVampirewerewolf chapter 5 . 11/27/2008
Hey this story is good you should continue it :D
| Kanilla chapter 5 . 11/26/2008
It's so pretty :O
I love Ash when he's insolent and naughty, and the image in my head of a vampire watching tv seems pretty absurd, for some reason. Nemo's so beautiful too...Always so close to breaking.