|Reviews for Princess Slave|
| BlackRosesFreedom chapter 5 . 8/23/2009
AMAZING! I loved this chapter even tho it took me like 3 hours to read. :) It was still absolutly amazing and the story line and ending was brilliant! Your a very good writer. You just need to work on you grammer. Also, this came up alot. Its dead, not died. I think you mixed those two up alot. No problem tho. Still absolutly amazing! Good Job!
| BlackRosesFreedom chapter 4 . 8/22/2009
*Sighs in Relief*
That was a really long chapter... I personally think that it may be too long. I would suggest shortening it just a bit or at least making it into two chapters.
But still a really good story! On to chapter 5!
| BlackRosesFreedom chapter 3 . 8/22/2009
Wow. Amazing chapter again! This is really a great story! Again, some typos but not as many as before. Really really good job!
| BlackRosesFreedom chapter 2 . 8/22/2009
AMAZING! I really do love this story. Again, several gramitcal/ typo errors so if you just read through, you will be able to catch them. Im telling you this cus a story with several gramatical errors makes the reader disinterested and annoyed. Just a suggestion tho. :)
| BlackRosesFreedom chapter 1 . 8/22/2009
I really like this story but I would suggest going back through and fixing minor typo's. I saw several. But besides that, I really really like this story and Im excited to read on!
| Amethystars chapter 5 . 5/16/2009
Wow, what a crazy adventure! I liked it though, it was a lot of fun to read. I admire you for writing that long of a story, and that good!
| Fake Pen chapter 2 . 1/27/2009
So...I'm not going to comment on the chapter. I'm just very confused as to the setting of this.
There are trucks, cell phones, bugs, guns...but on the other hand the princess learns skills like horse-riding, self-defence, hunting, and all that? If they have trucks and cars, what's the point of riding a horse? All the steeds would have been replaced by engines. Guns would have been more than enough for self-defence - it wouldn't need to be taught as fighting and all that.
So what kind of time is this story actually set in?
| Fake Pen chapter 1 . 1/27/2009
Your summary sounded pretty interesting.
/world has reversed and not most countries are monarchies./ - not ‘many’, I think you mean.
/His name was Willan, well that was what I was told to call him, and it means “fierce protector”/ - the two commas should be replaced with dashes or brackets, since it’s not really part of the sentence. Or at least not the important part.
So far, one of your main problems seems to be confusing the placement of commas, dashes & semicolons. The latter two are for longer pauses.
/more of a father than my real father. My father was hardly ever around/ - you could probably start a new paragraph at ‘My father’ – your paragraph previously talked about Willan, so it’d make sense to start a new one about the King.
Right now, it’s a little typical – the tomboy, different, more sophisticated and ‘true-seeing’ princess running away because of marriage, has arrogant princess friends who she regards as inferior and vain (and they are, I don’t deny that, but that’s also a little overused), the princess liking a less-ranked person…
Also, your princess displays very definite characteristics of Mary Sues. They’re not necessarily bad if executed correctly, but currently she is leaning into the dangerous territory. Personally, I think it’s fine to use them, but do keep in mind that they can annoy the living daylights out of certain people (especially since they are THE BEST and no one can stop them and they’re cool and everything), and being overused also makes them much more predictable – the need for readers to know what happens next is gone. Therefore you have to write an extremely good story to make up for it.
I’m not that against clichés or Mary Sues, so I’ll decide whether it’s a good or bad use of one when I find out more.
You’re also missing full stops at the ends of some of your sentences. I suggest that you or get someone to proofread your submissions more carefully next time – little errors are too easy to miss. Having said that, I don’t doubt that I’m a criminal of that too. You might want to vary some of your sentence structures as well, and feel free to add in more commas and break sentences up into two or even three! You don’t have to cram three or four ideas into one sentence. Some of your sentences run on for much longer than the reader is comfortable with.
You also misspelt Farris’s name as ‘Farriss’.
This relationship with Farris is very…weird. At first, the princess states that they can’t be together and Farris knows it. And then they hug and everything – perfect for ruining a princess’s chances of getting a good marriage. So if he really likes her, he’d be backing off and keeping his distance, right?
Anyway, those are my thoughts. I like the idea of getting the princess married to the enemy to make peace but that actually not being the case (it’s a little different to just running away because of marriage). To make it even more different, consider having the princess initially agree to the proposal, only to find out at the last minute that that’s not the smartest thing she can do. Without any other way to withdraw, she has to run away, play suicide & run away, or just suicide – whatever leads to the rest of your story.
I’ll end it there. Have a nice day, & happy writing.
| ice.white.queen chapter 5 . 1/22/2009
this writing is just marvaleous, you have some great talent there. keep up the good work :D
| MagicWords chapter 3 . 8/22/2008
A really good chapter! I really enjoyed reading it!
A few typos but no big deal.
I thought that this was a perfect length and that it was exciting and the intro to Jace was great! youve got some good characters here and a good idea that im excited to read about! loved it!
are you going to continue it?
| MagicWords chapter 2 . 8/22/2008
Oh my goodness, such an excting chapter!
and i had to shed a tear with farris's murder...but something tells me that there is hope on the horizon...
maybe the guard was bluffing. you wrote this really well; im anxious to read ch 3.
you have solid lengthed chapters and they are enjoyable to read. excellent work!
| MagicWords chapter 1 . 8/22/2008
I really loved this first chapter. It had me engaged immediatly and i am so excited to see what happens next.
there was a little "aw" moment for me when Farris said he would come and get her if anything bad ever happened to her! so cute.
but i was kinda confused about the whole car thing. when and whee does this take place?
| yalc chapter 4 . 6/15/2008
FIRST POST I WIN
once again you have great imagrey its kind of hard now and then to remember and which era the story is in but it is easy to follow and to understand none the less.
each chapter is longer than the last so it is hard to read all 5 in one night without breaks. but i like it totally different plot from the summary ch.3 on but it still makes sense. be careful with the spelling like me sometimes you dont finish the whole word or mix up the word but great job.