Reviews for Missing Three Wishes
Caecilia chapter 4 . 11/26/2008
[“Ally you got a letter,” ] Add a comma after 'Ally'

[“You have been giving me daily doses of Hayatashia for a week] That sounds a bit formal for a pissed off teen... Also, close that sentence with a period and quotation marks.

[ hoar ] it's spelled 'whore'

Careful with your spaces. A lot of times (through out the whole story) you have words that are meshed together. Likethis.

Also, commas can be your friends...

Your descriptions are good, but there is formality in some of the dialogue that neednt be there.

Your plot is looking up though. Good job.

~Caecilia
Caecilia chapter 3 . 11/26/2008
[one o disgust.] 'of'

[The human’s] no apostrophe. That makes it possessive instead of plural.

[cannot use their magic without] Since it happened in the past, it should be 'could not'

[Magic to large or complicated] you need another 'o' on that 'to' of yours. It should be 'too'

[ but Its timeless to me] that 'its' doesn't need to be capitalized.

So does [خالب للعين وسام الفكرة الرئيسية الصاحبي] actually mean anything?

You're getting Aliya more of a personality! Yay! The story is picking up and getting more interesting for me. Something that is still catching my eye is that your sentence fluency needs some work. Just food for thought.

pretty good job!

~Caecilia
Caecilia chapter 2 . 11/26/2008
Pretty much in all of your beginning italics, there are 'i's that are uncapitalized. They're in the middle of a sentence, but still need to be made into capitals, it is a proper noun, after all. But, a lot of them could be taken out. They're unnecessary in a lot of parts where you've used them. If you've already established who's speaking/thinking you don't need to reiterate it every couple words...

[I was lying on what looked like an old, grey stone alter] You'll need another comma after 'grey'

[A ray of light was descending from directly above me, illuminating my body.] 'descending' just doesn't sound right. It sounds as if you're trying too hard to use more ... advanced vocabulary.

[huge push into my stomach as i was thrown back woulds] should be 'huge push on my stomach and was thrown backwards'

[ and hard clung me to the wall by my wrists] would make more sense if 'clung' was changed to 'hung'

[different colony's] it should be 'colonies'

[So... noone knows?] no one is two words.

[ we are basicly slaves] should be 'basically'

Aliya had more of a personality in this chapter, but she's still lacking something, I think. You're doing well with your descriptions, though. Good job.

~Caecilia, Beer Run!

[8 masters pur year] Sorry if this is just a cultural difference, but 'pur' should be 'per'
Caecilia chapter 1 . 11/26/2008
[She was winded, and could hardly breathe] Saying she could hardly breathe is kinda overkill when you already said she was winded.

You might want to look at rewriting parts of this. You use 'she' a lot. Too much, I think. It can get irksome.

[She just continued to stare back at him with an expression of the deepest hatred upon her face, and then screamed, and lifted her hand into the air, and suddenly large stones were flying towards his body] That might sound better as [She continued to stare back at him with an expression of the deepest hatred on her face, and screamed. She raised her hand, and suddenly large stones were flying towards the man.] You don't need to keep sentences going. Think about breaking some of those up.

[Oh my god when will this lesson end?] Add a comma after 'god'

[grunt sighin our family."] 'sighin'? and what's with that lone quotation mark?

For when Aliya is yelling, you may want to use bold instead of underline. I find that bolding it gives more of an impact.

[Amongst my deep sobs it hit me.] Using 'amongst' after the vocabulary you've used in the rest of this piece, quite frankly, just doesn't seem to fit. Think about changing that to something else.

Your character seems somewhat cliched. I think she's too much of a normal teenager. To me, at least, she doesn't seem to have much depth as a person. You have some at the beginning, but as this story moves on, you lose it.

Your story does make sense though. I'm interested in seeing where you'll take this.

~Caecilia

(sorry it took me so long to review!)
Kinderwhore chapter 4 . 11/19/2008
Hi, review game!

Whoa, you haven't updated in like, three months! (Not that I'm one to talk...) What I'm trying to say is I can't remember any of the last three chapters; I sort of skimmed over them without really reading them, just to reacquaint myself with the story...

"I was now sitting in my own lounge room reading Jane Austin’s Sense and sensibility for English. I was supposed to finish it 2 week ago, but I just find it so boring."

I actually quite liked this line, because I personally don't see how Jane Austen's writing came to be as adored and revered as it is. Thing is, I don't actually mind the writing style employed by those "old dead writers" (I know that I'm heavily influenced by it), but I do find her plots to be boring as hell, so I guess that's where our opinions differ. Anyway, that's why I liked this line/paragraph; just capitalise "sensibility" and correct your spelling of Austen's surname and I swear I'll get off your back. :)

I find your use of the words "harem outfit" to be a little out of place in Aliya's acceptance letter. It struck me as being a little too informal and non-specific; I think it'd be more likely that there'll be a list stating that she'll need harem pants, bra, veil, sash, curl-toed sandals etc. rather than just "harem outfit".

Something else which I've noticed, not just in this chapter but throughout the entire story, are your spelling/typing errors. Here are a few examples in this particular chapter:

"if you haveany questions"

"ask to havea representative sent."

-Here you forgot to place a space between the relevant words. It's no biggie, but a spellchecker could have fixed that.

Another aspect I liked about your writing was the repetition of the words "It seemed" in this paragraph:

"It seemed to be a normal Tuesday afternoon. It seemed as though I was at school. It seemed I should not be paying attention in class." ...etc. It's subtly funny and down-to-earth and successfully conveys your main character's feelings to the reader.

Something that I think could be improved in your writing is your approach to detail, which I've sort of touched on earlier when I was commenting on your use of "harem outfit". For example:

"It was a dark red and black building with ancient Arabian style architecture."

"Ancient Arabian style architecture" isn't really a replacement for a description. I'm not saying you should write paragraphs and paragraphs describing the colour of the bricks, but maybe a minaret here, a stained glass window there... Hint at the Arabian architecture, rather than telling us straight out what it is.

Though I do like your premise for this story, being a fan of Middle Eastern history/culture myself (but by no means an expert), I couldn't help feeling as I read this that the details/setting for your story were a little sparse. For example, you constantly refer to Aliya and her family as being Arabian (which I consider to be a little outdated, btw; Arabic is the more modern term), but you've failed to specify WHICH Arabian country her family's originally from. Honestly, I don't know if she's Lebanese, Tunisian or something else entirely! And that sort of thing matters, as Islamic culture differs from country to country, and though I'm not suggesting that Aliya and her family should be completely isolated from their modern Australian environment, I do know that their cultural background would certainly inform certain aspects of their life (religious practices spring to mind). It's tiny details like those that are so important to a story, and considering how you already went to the effort to write in Arabic in chapter 3, I somehow doubt you'd be too lazy to conduct a little more research. :)

Cheers,

Kinderwhore
ROexx chapter 4 . 11/18/2008
its good. HSC whoa. lucky. D yeh i read the authors notes. and u think shes just normal and insecure... definetly not a brat although sometimes she is abit on the whiney side. you have to update faster D

cyuz Des
deefective chapter 4 . 11/17/2008
Well, I like the whole writing style you have going for this. It fits the story and I think it helps to set the pace, which is just right for the story. The only thing I have to say is that there were a lot of simple spelling and grammar mistakes in this. From the beginning to end I could see them and it's no biggie but it really distracts from the overall story if I have to re-read a word or sentence. Just fix that and it's all good.
Carus chapter 4 . 11/17/2008
I really like the characterization in this story. I'm intrigued and I want to find out more about Cantara's past... and why she's on the run ]

I think that you could perhaps talk more about her parents and the relationship she has with them. There hasn't been much said yet, and I'd like to know why they're so happy to let her go off to an unknown school that they can't enter. Apart from the obvious reason, haha.

-Amy
SuzannaR chapter 3 . 11/12/2008
In Depth Review

Plot

I liked this chapter because it answers a lot of questions that I had after chapters 1 and 2. Cool idea about all magical creatures being the same species but different cultures! I do wonder about a couple of things though.

1) Why do the others not want to help them? Are they affected by the stone too? Surely they could have found some easy way to get rid of the humans without them knowing about it. And if this stone affects them too isn t it in their best interests to rid the humans of it?

2) ICSA This seems to be some kind of governing body for all magical beings no? Why didn t they help? The ICSA must have been made up of only genies since the humans knew about it and they didn t know of any other magicals apart from Genies.

So the genies in the icsa didn t help their fellow genies?

3) you refered to the genies as a race or a subspecies. If her parents are not genies then what are they? They couldn t be human! Humans are a different species right? Perhaps they are genies but have no magical powers?

Sorry it s a little thing but it bugs me. (Obviously I ve spent a bit too much time pondering this plot!)

Character

I like that Cantara! Funny that she s 4600 yrs old. I like that she seems to understand and sympathize with what ALiya is going through. That makes her quite believable though I think she should probably be more mean tempered. She is 4600yo!

I think you re doing a good job of portraying Aliya as a regular schoolgirl when she s there too.

Dialogue

I think that your dialogue is well done. It flows naturally and is believable.

Grammar

I see less grammar and spelling mistakes when compared to the 1st chapter so good job there.

1) Her voice turned into one o disgust - you left the f off the of.

2)Genie’s come from the middle east - Genies no apostrophe. You did the thing with genie's a few times. Also Middle East should be capitalised.

3)Similiar thing to #2 "The human’s found us" -humans

4) Magic to large or complicated - too large

Good job so far

s
Fractured Illusion chapter 3 . 11/11/2008
It’s the birthday of The Review Game Forum! To celebrate we send gifts to those important to RG. Thank you for having been part of the community and help spread review love! D

“for fear that their race would be discovered too” Considering magic should outweigh human manpower, why don’t all the other races just…enslave humans or something? Why do they fear humans when they should be stronger? They didn’t know they had the Hayatashia. Well, there’s probably some politics involved, I am just grumpy because they were so mean :/

“hen the humans revealed that they had an overwhelmingamount of Hayatashia.” Why didn’t they just use the ace card from the start? That way they could have had more genies.

Cool that you wrote it in Arabic! I mean I cant read it but that you went through the effort is good D Also adds mystery that way.

And oh lala, Ali might get a little lovin now :P Nice. It will definitely add more angst later when she has to go to the school, nyahaha.

Like others have said, good pace so far. Not too fast or too slow. Keep it up! But do be careful with your spelling.

-Frac
Sophronia Lee chapter 1 . 11/9/2008
"See, this is why I hate it when I cry. I look like the f* love child of a cow and a slug."

I love that line! There's a lot of funny lines in here.

The opening, though, was a little lack-luster. Although I like how you started right in the middle of the action, it was a bit slow-paced and confusing.

There are a lot of technical errors, too. Instead of using capslock for yelling, try using italics instead. They're a lot less you start a new line of dialogue, you're supposed to start it on a new line. Example:

"I like cats," said Joe.

"I'm allergic to cats," said Susie May.

The plot seems pretty unique, too. I've read a grand total of one book about genies, compared with all the thousands I've read about fairies, mermaids, etc. Just make sure to explain it thoroughly so us westerners don't get lost.

The pace is good, the characters seems realistic enough (although it's only chpt. 1, so it's hard to tell), and the writing style is purty good.
ainebear chapter 1 . 11/6/2008
First, I like the writing style because it is easy to read, and it is literate.

Second, I disliked how the suspense was completely flat out, because when she was ease dropping, I already know that there is something about her, and it ruins it for later chapters, even though I only read the chapter. So, it's not really a surprise. It's like saying "she'll get something electronic for Christmas, and then she gets an ipod. Woohoo.

Just my opinion, it is an interesting story. Please continue writing.
Curry Powder chapter 1 . 11/6/2008
Well, I certainly wasn't expecting this when I clicked onto it! I have to say, I was slightly tentative about reading something about genies, of all things. But your pleasant writing style and compelling character in Ally make the whole thing enjoyable. Good job.

~Curry.
SuzannaR chapter 2 . 11/5/2008
In Depth Review # 2

1)Opening

I rather liked the opening. It caught the attention right away and kept you reading. I liked how you put it in italics as well.

2)Plot

I do like the originality of the plot but I continued to find it difficult to warm up to Aliya. You did answer the question of how the humans managed to enslave the genies who are more powerful. I think that the reason is somewhat vague...how would the number of humans help to control the genies? They had magic and humans don t. I think that this part of the story is somewhat weak. The stone thing is a good device though to counteract that. I can see the stone as the way how the humans got control. I hope you expand on this in future chapters. Perhaps too you could explain more about what the actual duties of the genie will be? I read in one of your comments where you said that you did a lot of research about genies but then decided to go with the sterotypical western version. I wonder why? It probably would be more interesting to read about the other ones.

It s funny too that Aliya references the Harry Potter thing in the story! I m looking forward to see how you will make it not cliched like the HP school.

3)Character

I am still finding Aliya unlikeable. Perhaps it s just me. The scenes with her at the library and going to the cyber cafe are realistic and believable. Your dialogue s good.

I just don t see her reaction as normal? Wrong word perhaps. I just can t relate to her. Why would she skip school? I can see her being shocked about the genie thing but she seems angry at her parents and aunt...she seems surly and maybe spoilt...is this how you meant her to be? I can perhaps see how she could have been an unhappy teen given her weight issues and so on, but she seems to have a lot of friends (myspace page).

4)Grammer/Spelling

I saw rather a lot of mistakes in this chapter.

-"hard surface i layed"-Laid

-"Slowly circulating me" - I think you meant circling

-"The hand brought itself up would again to my" - would is inserted by mistake?

-"stone alter" - altar

-"back woulds" - backwards

-"small, week man" - weak

-"It sceard me" - scared

-"pur year" - per

BTW what s a random? "There are... specific numbers of randoms that..." I wasn t sure if you used the wrong word there or if there s an actual genie type term like that?

Interesting work...on to last chapter.
SuzannaR chapter 1 . 11/4/2008
In depth Review

1) Plot

Very interesting idea...quite original and interesting. I liked the plot in the beginning of the chapter. However I think that the idea of the genie school sounds rather like Harry Potter though doesn t it? (I haven t read it though). I think it would have been more interesting if she stayed at her regular school.

I wonder too how did the man (human?) manage to defeat the genies who have magic? It seems that we are missing a lot of the story. Hopefully you will include it in the following chapters.

2) Opening

I didn t like the opening, especially the opening sentence. It felt like we were coming in on the middle of the action. I would have liked to see something more dramatic. I did however like the rest of the prologue (perhaps you could have put it in it s own chapter?) and I liked the sudden transition between that and the present.

3) Spelling/Grammer

I noticed a couple of grammer mistakes:

- you re missing a few full stops and commas, especially where it relates to dialogue. eg "I’ll sign”. There should be a full stop before the closing ". (I m really bad with that too?

- "You’re parents" you meant your

-"I doubt my parent’s " you meant parents without the apostrophe

- "way 80kg" you meant weigh

- "they loose their body" you said this a few times. I think you meant lose.

4) Characters

Some characters you did a great job with...for example the man who defeated the genies and Aunt Cantara. I picture Jaffar (from Aladin) and the wicked old witch from Sleepy Beauty respectively.

But Aliya I find hard to believe. Her parents as well. She doesn t seem like someone that comes from a conservative muslem background. For example I know that she wouldn t have called her aunt by her first name! Perhaps I m biased in this though.

Also you keep describing them as Arabian. This term is not a contempory term at all. It makes me wonder then what time period is this or was this the real world or a fantasy one. I think this story would work much better if this was actually the real present world.

Another thing I noticed...you mentioned that the stone was as large as an A4 book. I know what you mean (we ve got that here as well) but I bet a lot of Americans are confused by it.

I like the story so far...am off to read chapter 2.
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