|Reviews for Missing Three Wishes|
| CrimsonxShadows chapter 1 . 10/27/2008
Your opening is average; it's a little disappointing because there's no catch, but it is shrouded with a veil of mystery. I like what you did with the way her unwillingness dissipated. It could have been a little more dramatic, but on average it was okay.
Your dialogue is a little confusing. I don't know how many times I've given people this advice, but a lot of readers don't like it when authors just slap down a string of dialogues without any descriptions of the characters or the area around them. You do it occasionally, but overall it's a little...continuous. I sat there reading it and wishing they would shut up already. No offense.
Your diction is, again, average. I think you could have spiced it up a bit. You use a lot of 'breathing' to emphasize how the person is feeling.
The plot is slightly boring, but it's original. I applaud you for it. This is a tight subject to work with and bend, but you seem to know what you're doing. I hope you're able to work your plot out in the way you want it to.
Your characters don't have a lot of depth, and you don't go into detail that much. I hardly had any images to go with the background. I mostly saw people with white space behind them. Try to paint a picture for your readers. You'll get much better feedback.
| ThatEmKid chapter 1 . 10/25/2008
A really fabulous story!
I love the storyline because it's unique, new, fresh, you know what I mean.
I also like how you made it a very long chapter because most stories I read have really short chapters but this is long which makes it really good.
| HighPixelPriestess chapter 3 . 10/24/2008
Awesome story :)
The opening grabbed me! I was curious to find how the woman in the story got in her position, and then when it slipped back to english - I was curious to find out if you were going to continue the first story. There was a certain hint of mystery about it, which sucked me in. You'll never get me away from it now!
I liked your characters. Aliya was a deep character and I'm a sure a lot of people can relate to her (minus the genie part!) Finding out that Cantara was 4600 years old was actually pretty funny, considering the remarks Alyia had made before. I'd love to find out more about the battle they fought, how Alyia is connected to it (other than the obvious), for example - will she be the one to undo the wrongs made against genies? Why is Cantara not serving others? Did she get affected by the gas? What was the description? I guess I'll find out.
Pace...now that I feel like I'm "into" the story, I'm curious to find out how it is all connected! But I also don't want it to go to fast and get swamped with things I can't remember. To be honest, I think you've done great so far.
I did really enjoy your story, and I'm going to hang around to read more as it comes :) It wasn't something I've ever read before, actually - the only thing I guess I seen about genies is Aladdin and...there was another one that was on Tele when I was younger. It's nice seeing people do something that isn't done very often, and that makes it enjoyable.
| Starleaf chapter 2 . 10/24/2008
Okay, this is what I caught in this chapter.
First off, good job with the italicizing for her thoughts. I actually meant to mention that in the first chapter - it's usually a better idea to italicize than use quotation marks, because if you use quotes it can get confusing as to when someones thinking or speaking (since you can't put "she thought" after every single thought).
As for what suck out...
“Well you finish your schooling at age 19, so in the two years that you are not yet a fully developed genie you will nothave to complete a genie's full duties." You missed a space between not and have.
“There – There are... specific numbers of randoms that we have to wait on!” What did you mean by "specific numbers of randoms"? That sounded weird to me, unless it's an Australian thing. Haha. (Thats so cool by the way, I think I'm going to go to Australia through my college for three weeks during Winter Break one year).
Otherwise, good job. I like that you incorporate the whole magic thing into her daily life... the addition of myspace made it very realistic, haha.
I believe this is my sixth review... let me know if I missed any!
| Starleaf chapter 1 . 10/24/2008
Very cool. I didn't see too many errors, except for the Zs as Ss as you said. Nothing big popped out at me like spelling errors.
The only thing I can be critical of is that you take a totally unique idea and kind of taint it with the extremely cliche main character. She's not all that attractive, her parents fight, and she hates school.. so she has a completely sarcastic and calloused outlook on life. It's kind of overused, and I think people need to realize that making your character have a decent life and some good looks doesn't necessarily make her a mary sue as long as you keep it realistic.
Someone can be a down-to-earth cheerleader, a smart, caring football player, etc. Mary sue only applies to stereotypes, I believe.
But, as I said, very good idea. I haven't seen any genie things around here yet.
| Elennar chapter 3 . 10/15/2008
Although 3 chapters isn't exactly enough to judge the pace of a story adequately, I'll say that, so far, the pace is fine the way it is. It doesn't seem rushed, nor does it linger too much.
The dialog is realistically done, all the characters speak the way they should. I especially liked the effort you put in to make Cantara sound archaic: authors here on FP sometimes don't bother to do that, so since you have, I like it a lot.
10/10 in that department! I'm seriously into the littlest of details whenever fantasy is concerned, so this chapter had me extremely interested.
Much better than the last time. Still, I'm sorry to have knit picked, but here're a few I spotted:
It should be caused BY lack of sleep and not caused FROM lack of sleep. Another typo was "Magic to large.." should be "Magic too large"
Um, I didn't know where else to put it, so I'm saying this here. It's easier to read if you separate different scenes using the horizontal ruler that FP supports. It's a pity that FP won't load the '*' which would be the first bet. A single hyphen makes it a little hard to diffrentiate.
| Elennar chapter 2 . 10/15/2008
I meant to say this in the last review, but oh well, here it is. I absolutely ADORE the plot that you've created. I loved the fact that all supernatural beings are basically the same species, but of different cultures- nice work. And I also LOVE the idea of the Hayatashia stone; and it seems to me that its liquid state is gonna be nice arc later on in the story.
The opening and the ending was nicely done. The former had a really surreal edge to it, while the latter was the perfect ending to this chapter.
There seems to be quite a few of 'em: guess you weren't kidding when you said that your spell check plays up a lot! ;) First of all, lots of uncapitalised i's. You have a typo at the begenning, 'answer', not 'answear'. 'Kart' should be 'cart'. And other trivial things like that, like, 'per' being spelt 'pur'; 'irrated' should be 'irritated'.
I loved the way you explained so much with the conversation. The kicker is, I don't normally like tactics like that; but somehow or the other, it suited this story nicely. Congrats on that!
| Elennar chapter 1 . 10/15/2008
Hey, I'm sorry I couldn't get these reviews to you yesterday: although I badly wanted to. Anyway, here it is!
I liked how this started with a BANG of sorts: how it starts with the action. The ending for this chapter was great as well: the "This is real" line worked for me wonderfully.
To begin with, there's nothing majorly wrong with your writing. But the thing is, at times, I feel as if such and such points in the story could be expressed better in order to make the story flow better. Like, for example, to me, the 1st paragraph,
"She fell again, with a large thump onto the cool desert sand. She was winded, and could hardly breathe, and now had a fresh, deep cut up her arm. Tears were streaming down her face."
would sound better if it were written,
"She fell again with a large thump onto the cool desert sand. Winded, and barely capable of breathing; a fresh cut now marred her arm .Tears streamed down her face." The use of simple past tense instead of the past continous when you're narrating part of the story which isn't 'happening at the moment' makes for a terser, muscular narrative. Also, try not to start two consecutive sentences with the same word. Once you get these little things down pat, I'm sure you'll be able to polish this story like a diamond!
Oh my, I simply love these characters! I liked the way Aliya basically whined a lot in this chapter, but STILL didn't sound like a spoiled brat. I loved your characterisations a lot! Good work there!
Spelling and Grammar:
For the most part, it's a fairly error-free chapter, here're a few things that caught my notice:
Cantara gave a small, irritated grunt sighin our family." Erm, I couldn't make any sense of the ending of that sentence; did FP mess it up during upload? Also, "With that I looked up eyes squinting to hold back the tears" I believe it should be punctuated thus, "With that, I looked up-my eyes squinting to hold back the tears"
| daydreamer1009 chapter 3 . 10/10/2008
The plot is very good, and you are one of the authors who actually knows how to put puncuation! Yay! Anyway I really like the main character and she actually seems real not fake, which a lot of people have trouble making there characters like that including me.I must say I congradulate you on your story so far i hope you keep writing becuase I will keep reading. You have definatly caught my attention in many ways.
| Kirrithian chapter 2 . 10/3/2008
Another good chapter- don't worry I feel I'm getting the right amount of information about the genies- not too much to spoil the story but enough to get a rough background on them.
Oh, I spotted a couple of typing errors for you:
they can easily use to Hayatashia stone against us
I'm guessing it's meant to be 'the' instead of 'to'
Check for uncapitalised I's in the first section (about 18 of them)
as i was thrown back woulds with amazing force
Another guess that 'back woulds' actually wants to be backwards
Anyway, still going good, keep it up!
| Kirrithian chapter 1 . 10/3/2008
I loved the start- I was hooked straight away, and that's always the sign of a good story. I also enjoyed how you portrayed the characters, and how you start to connect that first bit with Aliya- but still leave unanswered questions that draw me onto the next page...
I can tell this'll be good, keep writing.
| inkspatters chapter 1 . 10/1/2008
Woot for people who live in Australia! Haha, now that I'm done with that...
This is a wonderful idea and wonderfully written so far, so I hope it doesn't denigrate into some sort of 'magic school' plot as you've said that it wouldn't :D
There is one thing that did annoy me a little though. You don't do dialogue properly in some places. For example this:
"Yes" I said monotone.
Should be this:
"Yes," I said monotone. (I also think you should have it as 'in a monotone' cos to me that makes more sense. But that may just be me...)
Anyway, great stuff so far, I shall be returning to this when I have more time.
| J.B. Delaney chapter 3 . 9/23/2008
What I Love:
You do a great job with your descriptions. I love the way that your characters jump out at my face, like !Shamwow!. Seriously, you paint your characters so that they are easy to understand. I can really put myself in their shoes and get a feel for the "life" that your characters live.
"Riley was a small, slightly goofy girl who fell over a lot. She had short brown hair with a nice straight fringe. She was what you would probably call the clown of our group. Leah was a black girl with her long hair tied up in a high pony tail. She was a tall, medium built girl..."
"with a strong, aggressive, but still lovable personality."
"She collapsed to her knees with exhaustion and let out a loud sob."
What I Don't Like:
There are A few grammatical errors
work on the dialogue, a lot of your punctuation errors show when you're writing dialogue. For example:
"Blah blah blah," he said.
"Her voice turned into one o disgust"
I don't know, it just kind of takes away from the full value of a great story, and I would hate to see a great story like this get undermined by grammatical errors.
| dragonflydreamer chapter 3 . 9/18/2008
[I saw Cantara’s face drop. She turned her head away from me and sighed lightly. She seemed hesitant to answer.] Try to use some sentence variation in here.
[We were so small in population that we couldn’t do anything to effectively protect ourselves. We were outnumbered by about 1500 humans to every genie. We asked for assistance from the other magical races, but they refused to help us."] All three of these sentences started with "we."
On a general grammar note, "genies" does not need an apostrophe unless it the the posessive of a single genie.
[More humanthan I had ever seen her before.] Space needed after human. But I like the irony of this; that finding out more about her magical side is making her seem more human.
[“So… you are actually… around 40 years old?”] That was some quick mental math 0_0
[Cantara had told me to touch it at least once every hour of the day] What does she do when she's at school?
At first, I thought the whole first part of the chapter was your typical boring info dump. However, it did convey a lot of valuable information about the story that makes it easier to understand. Also, her reactions made it interesting. They were realistic, and the way they were short and inserted into the dialogue actually /felt/ like bursts of thought.
I also like the dialgue of the characters. There is a good contrast between the high-schoolers and the adults.
This story is coming along nicely. I can't wait for an update! :D
| Morohtar chapter 3 . 9/17/2008
This chapter is a bit of an information dump - which I think is good (in that it allows us to get a lot of information quickly) but the style in which it is presented can sound a little "Basil Exposition". I think that the strong, slab of dialog doesn't actually asist in the conveyance of the information - perhaps if you were to use a literary device like an ancient scroll, or a song, or something, to convey the truth about the Genie-human war?
Having said that, the information in this chapter is good and really works well - it is an original notion.
The spelling and grammar do need looking at - they are the weak point in what is otherwise a strong story. I think that you particularly need to make sure you are careful with the use of the genetive case (the plural of genie is not genie's, it is genies - if not djinn!), and also the use of "to" and "too". Another point I would make is that the use of numerals rather than numbers written as words is potentially an issue - it just looks a bit jarring.
The characters are cool, I do like what we see of the young genie here. She is caught between two worlds - the human and the supernatural, and I think that you have conveyed that well with her use of a mobile 'phone, and her liking of pop music and so forth - as well as the way she is part of a magical world. The older Genie is also well-drawn; the emotional reaction she has to telling her (and us!) about the Genie-Human war is good.
As I mentioned above, the early part of the dialog is perhaps miss-used; I don't know if it works well as an info-dump. The dialog itself is plausible and well-written - it is entirely natural and sounds like something teenagers could say, which is always good. I think that the dialog (esp. the latter portion of it) needs more narrative framing; there are whole sections which read like a script.
Still, this is a good chapter and there is a really cool premise and idea here. I would just look at the technique you have used at the beginning of this chapter being an info-dump; it is necessary, but perhaps needs to be handled differently? A flashback, perhaps?