|Reviews for Missing Three Wishes|
| deefective chapter 2 . 9/16/2008
Ah, well for this chapter I like the way you wrote certain things. Like the librarian's encounter with Aliya. You described it well. On the other hand though, I've probably already pointed this out, but there are WAY too many spelling mistakes. It distracts so much from the actual story. You need to capitalize and punctuate! Other than that, goo job.
| Royal Bliss chapter 3 . 9/14/2008
I didn't read the reviews on this chapter so I'm not sure if someone already pointed this out:
“It all began approximately 40 years ago, when the humans found out about us.” Her voice turned into one o disgust.
you forgot the "f" in "of" there.
::Cantara’s eyes turned harder::
This part sounded awkward. I've never heard anything worded like that before. I mean, you can keep it..just saying heh.
You forgot a space here:
she seemed more real. More ::humanthan:: I had ever seen her before.
Actually it's starting to seem like the spacing messes up a bit when you italicize some words. I guess you should look over the ones you italicize to make sure there's a space between that and the unitalicized word next to it.
I'm not sure I'm digging the double exclamation marks or even the question and exclamation marks after Danielle speaks. One is enough even the writing afterwards shows she's excited and that should be enough. Also watch the capitalization after dialogue, some parts where it's needed is missing. e.g.:
“Ally, where have you been! I missed you!” she squealed, still hugging me.
should be: She squealed.
Anyway, it was pretty interesting the way you told the genie history up in the beginning. It was pretty detailed. I liked this part the most:
::Technically we are all the same, but we follow different customs, speak different languages, believe different things, and call ourselves different names.::
It just seemed like a cool concept there...because usually in fantasy stories they don't come out and say that.
The dialogue between Ally and her friends seemed genuine and not forced which is good. I kind of think that the bold text at the bottom announcing the character names and whatnot takes away from the story...it gives it a more juvenile feel...takes away the seriousness or whatever I felt when I read the chapter. But besides that, nice job on the third chapter. I'm probably going to read the other two to get a better understanding.
Keep up the good work :D
| CadaxAres chapter 3 . 9/14/2008
I really like the idea, and it's well done, very intriguing. I especially like that elements of it seem very unique, such as the fact that she is a genie, which you don't see very often. The only place I really found a problem was that you had some minor stuff as far as spelling and grammar are concerned, but nothing too bad. Anyhow, I really enjoyed reading this.
| Nicki BluIs chapter 3 . 9/10/2008
Although I didn't read the first 2 chaps, I really felt this chap was successful in setting up the underlying circumstances for the reader. I liked the exposition of genie history via Chantara's monologue. It was clear and obvious but wasn't done in bland way. I do suggest however, inserting a bit more emotion into her words. Her spech was very detached and was incongruent with the pain she was suposed to be feeling.
The one thing I did not like was the dialogue; or rather the narration of the dialogue. There were no he saids, or she saids at all. It bothered me simply because so much can be inferred and deduced from those little phrases. For example in the telephone conversation with Brandon, descriptors such as "she tugged nervously at an unruly strand of hair" could have indicated how she was feeling during the conversation.
Anyway, I liked it. Especially the idea of magical creatures being different races. Genius.
| Stardrag chapter 3 . 9/10/2008
Wow...I would have never thought about a story based on the enslavement of genies could be this cool! I think you went in depth with the explanation since it always kept me wondering on where it would go. I originally did this for the game, but now I have to read the other chapters!
| la bonne annee chapter 3 . 9/9/2008
For the review game:
This was an interesting chapter, with all the history and backround and such. You did a nice job keeping it interesting, and it's quite detailed, which suggests you've really thought about it, so bravo! I like your dialouge, and this is much btter so far as grammar and spelling goes, so thank you for that. My one critque has to do with the stuff about her 'group'. I have to say I'm not all that interested in the 'cool kids' and 'losers' and 'normals'. Nor do I think it's necessary to shove in loads of extra characters, just to prove Allie has friends, especially if they aren't central to the plot.
| deefective chapter 3 . 9/8/2008
Opening/Ending: I find that the opening is really powerful. I haven't read every chapter of this story but with just the opening the reader is hooked because the way you've written it makes us want to know exactly what is going on in this story.
Dialog: The dialog was well-written. It flowed well and it wasn't un-believable. Although, you do have a few spelling mistakes and that made me read over whatever each character was saying twice.
Characters: The characters so far are nicely developed. Just from the beginning I get the sense that Cantara is pretty bitter and nostalgic about the past. Also, I like Aliya. She seems so young and teenager-ish. Her character fits this piece well.
Relationships: So far so good. Nothing seems completely unbelievable or too awkward.
Writing: Your writing is good but you have way too many spelling mistakes. It really distracts from the overall story and it takes away from your writing. You should spell check you work before you submit it.
Spelling/Grammar: As I said before you need to spell check.
Enjoyment: I enjoyed reading this because it was different from other fantasy stories. You don't really hear much about genies.
Plot: So far the plot is not completely cliche or too common but I do see some similarities with other fantasy stories. But that doesn't really matter because overall you've got a good idea going.
Pace: The pace is just right for this piece. I can't say anything about it because it's so dead on. If you went a bit faster or slower then the whole story would be too fast or too slow.
Overall I think that this chapter was well-written and you did a good job on the plot and character development. I'm not really into fantasy and the supernatural but I enjoyed reading this.
| raineyday chapter 3 . 9/8/2008
Very interesting concept! You're actually making genies cool for me, which is awesome. :P Really fascinating back story for the genies, too. And with that back story, you really created this huge hunk of fantasy/history in a nice space of time for the reader. It never seemed too drawn out or dull or anything while I was reading it. Very good pacing, there, I guess is what I'm trying to say. A lot of writers get really caught up in describing back story and take it on for way too long, but that wasn't the case here. Your characters are very cute, too. Very reminiscent of people I knew in high school which makes it more realistic. _
A few grammatical errors here and there. Maybe do a bit of research on dialogue, because it seems to me that a lot of your punctuation errors show up when you're writing dialogue. For instance:
"Blah blah blah," he said.
If you're writing something declarative, there needs to be a comma in place of the period in dialogue.
Also, something that sort of bothered me, though this is REALLY nitpicky of me: The Black Death is not exactly ancient history as it was in the mid 1300s. Medieval history might be a better course to use.
Overall, though, a great story so far! Just tighten up the screws on the grammar, and you'll really be in business. _ Keep writing!
| vrivasfl chapter 3 . 9/7/2008
I found a couple of spelling and grammar errors:
1) Her voice turned into one o disgust.
It should be "of".
2) She bent down to the bottom draw of her desk
It should be "drawer".
3) ...in a language I didn’t recognise.
It should be spelled "recognize".
4) One of them however recognised me...
Again, it's "recognize".
5) Leach laughed
This is probably supposed to be "Leah", and you missed the period at the end.
6) ...but the need to know
That should be "they".
Also, I found the phone conversation between Aliya and Brandon to be way too long and way to unessesary. Sometimes, having a lot of dialog isn't a bad this, but it's not very interesting to read ten to fifteen lines of dialog only to learn one thing: the black death project.
However, the plot is still wonderful. When a person can make such a cliche and boring cabal of characters like genies interesting, that's a skill that merits them the title of a good author, provided they don't screw it up later. The genies and their back story are wonderfully well written.
The only thing I worry about now is Aliya's fairly large group of friends. I'm afraid that some will have similar personalities to the point that it would be hard to tell them apart. It's really frustrating for me to see three friends talking and I can't remember which is which.
I trust that you can handle it, thought and I wait expectantly for chapter 4. (Which, if the previous timeline is any indication, could be a long time, but I'm willing to wait for a good story.)
| ROexx chapter 3 . 9/6/2008
omfg i f'n love this story! seriously. Your writing is as good as any published author. gahh can't wait for an update... okay i have no criticism for this chap at all.
update. kay? Des D
| GriffinKnight77 chapter 1 . 8/20/2008
I think the beginning of the story was by far the best. Showing the battle for the genies' freedom, and their eventual enslavement, was a good idea. However, I find some loopholes in the function of the battle. In this battle, the genies signed the pact to be enslaved to humans, right? Well, genies have magic powers and humans do not. How do the genies lose!
The transition to modern times was a bit sudden and admittedly cliche. You assure me at the end of the story that this is not a cliche magic story, but I as a reader I really have a hard time believing that. All I can think of as I read this story is Harry Potter.
The narrative was in first person and you used proper language to define the main character. It was casual, fraught with teenage slang, and to the point. However, you do change tenses on occassion (from past tense to present tense).
As far as pacing is concerned, you got the readers really hyped up during the battle and then WHAM! your story crashes to a halt. After we learn the main character is a genie (a very predictable plot point) all suspense and anticipation fade and sputter. You need to put your character in extreme danger to match and surpass the excitement in the opening sequence.
An idea I have is that maybe Aliya is a rare type of genie that is not bound to the pact. Because she is free, you could have certain evil people try to hunt her down to bind her. Some escaping, running, pursuing, and action early on would help in pick the pace back up from the epic beginning.
You say you had great difficulty writing this without it seeming lame, and I applaud your efforts. Here are a few hints to help make this story less cliche:
First, take out any references to "destiny" or "fate". Lines such as "this is your destiny" or "you must accept your fate" really bog down the story.
Second, don't have the main character seem so surprised that she is a genie. Maybe she has experienced magical things throughout her life. Her disbelief only strengthens the reader's belief in that this story is cliche.
A few questions: Why is there a genie school? Imagine if you were a slave owner. Would you send your slaves to be trained in the use of weapons? Likewise, humans shouldn't encourage magic. There will be problems when the slave becomes more powerful than the master. Also, if genies lose their lower bodies at the age of 21, how do they reproduce? Wouldn't they have to mate like rabbits before they become 21 in order to keep their race alive?
Well, there's my review. I hope I was more helpful than harsh, but I am a critical reader. Your story definitely has potential, but it'll take time and work to fully uncover it.
| Mouse Mitterand chapter 2 . 8/19/2008
- I like the first paragraph. It's clean, to-the-point, and catching. I like the lack of using a name right away, as that truly does become less necessary. It feel still, and final, which sets the reader for curiosity when the "falling" continues on in the second paragraph.
- I'm ambiguous about having her then actually SAY that he wouldn't make her give in. It changes a unique situation into something a little more cliche, a little more like something we've already heard. And, following that thought, it makes me wonder if she's a cliche sort of character, which you definitely don't want your reader wondering on the first page. I'd consider changing it to her not saying anything at all. I think even though it seems like she should say something, it'd be more powerful without it. I do like his dialogue though.
- her dialogue after is more doable (though I still almost wonder what it would be like with him solely reading her thoughts), but it's better because she's crying. I like that she really is exhausted, that she does just collapse and sob, it's very real and human.
- there's a lot of staring straight in the eye. You might want to try saying it different ways each time, or just lessening its occurance.
- interesting with the cart! I like it a lot! Kudos. I'm interested to see what's going on next.
- nice transition. I like it. Clever.
- comma, perhaps, in "oh my god when will this lesson end?" to make it "oh my god, when will this lesson end?" if not, use a period, if that's the intonation you want.
- your entire tone changes with the change of the setting and characters, your entire writing style - the sign of a good writer! It suddenly feels like a completely different book. Nice job!
- the teacher's dialogue . . . try more punctuation... "Jonathan? . . . Good work here, I really like some of your ideas." Punctuation really does influence how the reader views the dialogue; without it, they not only don't understand exactly what you mean, but they can become confused or bored and stop reading.
- Along with punctuation, proper capitalization. "D. Shit."
- When Aliya talks to the teacher, the teacher doesn't really show any kind of . . . anything. It'd almost be nice to have the teacher show a bit of sympathy, or frustration, or any of that, just to be reminded that she's there. It helps the reader recognzie that there are other forces - not just words that come out of walls - in the world that the character has to deal with. Even just a note of how she said it.
- "And with that I walked out of the classroom, and down the stairs. It was an old..." I really like that transition. It feels like time speeding up and changing. Yay.
- YAY for a character who's not skinny! *celebrates. a LOT.*
- Great description of Aunt Cantara. Made me laugh.
- I could already picture the look of disapproval that I WAS going to get..."
- "drawn-on" eyebrows with a hyphen
- Watch out with dialogue and punctuation. The punctuation always goes inside the quotation marks, so it would be like, My birthday present is "fairly positive."
- I love her reaction right away to Cantara's plant trick. Very realistic for a teenager. Nice scene overall.
- Easy on the caps lock. It gets overly dramatic quickly.
- backwards, forwards, upwards (instead of woulds). That's why your spell check isn't catching them - because you're separating the words.
- If the other genies are chained to the wall, and some of them are old, then how are the old ones dressed like her? Wouldn't they have a gas tail instead of legs?
- Interesting descriptions of other female characters, I'm noticing.
- I really like her going on myspace as a way of showing the reader that she hadn't been in school or in contact with any of her friends. It plays out really well.
- I'm noticing that chapter two is much more coherent and professional. Either you got comfortable with writing this story, or your writing improved while you were doing it. Sorry I don't have that much to say about it, I guess it's because I'm just enjoying reading, haha! Great job, this is really fun to read! I'll be favoritesing this one.
- Nice on her talking to her aunt and the ending, because then we know we'll get some history next time! I feel really bad, I know you were more curious about how Chapter 2 was, but it was honestly just so enjoyable to read that I didn't really feel anything strikingly enough that I should pull myself away from reading it and write something. Kudos! Well done. I really liked it!
| SyMph0Ny Of cOloRS chapter 1 . 8/19/2008
Your characters are very real. In fact, Aunt Cantara reminds me of my own grandmother. I know you said that it wont be one of those cliched magic school stories and i hope you prove me wrong. The last thing i have to say is i noticed a few punctuation errors though nothing serious just missing commas, etc.
| la bonne annee chapter 2 . 8/14/2008
GREAT beginning. Really, I started it and was hooked. I also liked the way it ran into the present seemlessly. I also very much like the dialouge. It sounds realistic, and true to an actual human being.
I'm sorry to say I kinda laughed when I found out that she's a genie. I guess because the only reference point I have with them is Aladdin. But, that's not to say I don't think you won't handle it well, and make it into something interesting. Also, I found the conversation about turning the Hayatashia stone inot it's liquid form to be very obvious. I'm guessing she'll turn it into a liquid and use it to save the day? It might serve you better if you slip it into her lessons rather than in a random conversation.
There were also some spelling errors, mostly in the second chapter, but they didn't detract from the story.
And no, I don't think you need any more 'woe is me' type stuff. Maybe when she's at the libray or the computer place she can simply contemplate the situation. Kinda like, "Holy shit, I didn't even know genies exisited, and now I am one...WTF?" Maybe a few lines of that, just to convey how confused/surprised she is.
This is one of the better stories I've read on fictionpress, well done! Do you think you could read something of mine? I only have one story-"Just Like Honey". Thanks!
| Redundant Expression chapter 2 . 8/13/2008
It's pretty good so far, definitely something I'd read again.
I think it has a good plot, makes people want to know more.
Pet Peeve: Capitalize your "I"s and I noticed a few missing punctuation marks. Other then that, simply spiffy!
Much love - Roxy