Reviews for Missing Three Wishes
Sundown chapter 2 . 8/6/2008
Interesting plot line in this story. It's good that you have backed up the detailed information. I've read so many stories on here that keep throwing in details and details and leave them unexplained. I don't believe a longer 'woe is me' period is necessarily needed...just do whatever you think the character would do. Let your character dictate.

In the first half of this chapter, especially, you repeat several words a little too often (unless that is a stylistic element) for example: wheeze. Wheeze is a strong word with a strong image attached to it and is really quite effective when used OCCASIONALLY...that way it can create more of an impact on the reader.

Other than that, you have some nice little descriptions there and the foundations of a solid story. Good work!
PaperDart chapter 1 . 8/4/2008
Your idea is very workable: it isn't original itself, but you've come at it from a very fresh perspective that works fine. You've conveyed the fact that Aliya is going to her new school whether ahe likes it or not well.

I didn't find the opening very effective: by starting halfway through the story she's reading you haven't given me any kind of handle for the heroine. By the time I started to understand who she was I realised it wasn't part of the story. I don't think that it's really necessary to include that, unless it serves a greater purpose later.

Be careful about profanities: one or two may be realistic teenage language, but I think you've overused them. I think you could often use another word or description more effectively. Be careful too, that you aren't verbose. Occasionally you've used several words where on would have done, or reused words excessively. (eg. "holding a food tray . . . put the tray down . . . rearranging the food on the tray" - by now we've got the idea that there's a tray with food on it.) It's not a huge error, but it makes reading easier and more interesting.

Punctuation: try not to use . . . They're fine in their place, but most young/new authors tend to overuse them. Be equally aware of dashes, capitals, italics and underlining. There's usually a more effective way of getting the idea across.

After all of that, I think this has the potential to be a great story. Your plotline is definitely plausible!
ADSpencer chapter 2 . 8/1/2008
Intriguing ending-I can't wait to hear the answer. I don't think there's anything wrong with Aliya's complaints-I'd complain! It's a (somewhat cooler) form of slavery in a way, but, also, it's just like any other job-forced to do labor for a boss. Aliya just hasn't put it on that level yet. I think her behavior is very justified for this point in the story.

This chapter does need an edit though! A quick reread would eliminate several of the mistakes. I few things I saw. . .

Your "i" needs capitalized in the first few paragraphs and later on in the story. This is probably the most important edit because some readers might get turned off by the lower-case "i". I'm not so easily turned away.

"Weather" should be 'whether' in the sentence "I paused, not sure as to weather I should continue." I make this sort of mistake all of the time-I exchange one word for another, or I type two words when I only meant to type one.

Keep an eye on the dialogue (as mentioned in the other review).

Anyhow, I can't wait for more. (And, yes, I know that I only owned you one review for the Review Game, but this story was a lot of fun, so I kept reading.)
ADSpencer chapter 1 . 8/1/2008
Review Game!

Fantastic supernatural being to explore! I think the overall story premise is a great idea.

I was extremely intrigued by the first scene. Action was a good choice for this one, especially since the second scene involved so much development. I also enjoyed the characters (even the teacher from early on); they seemed very realistic.

There are a few grammatical/format problems, mostly within dialogue. Here are few things you might want to check for:

"'Sign the paper… or let your people die' he whispered." This line from your text should have a comma (or an exclamation mark, if needed): "...die," he..."

This mistake appears several times, so I'd do a quick read through, just looking at the ends of all my dialogue, if I were you. That would probably be the most efficent way to catch this little mistake.

"mmph"-Make sure you capitalize all new dialogue, even if it's a sound and not a word. (This only appears a few times.)

“You know Ally, you could do better if you just-“ This is an example of another minor mistake I saw a few times in the chapter. It should have another comma because you're talking to that person: "...know, Ally, you..."

I way 80kg: "way" should be "weigh" (This is just something I notice off-handedly.)

Anyhow, all in all, I enjoyed this. The small mistakes are just that. . .small. All you need is a quick beta read (or just reread). Your accent comes through a bit in the dialogue, and I really liked that. Keep up the writing. I'll come back and check out your next chapter when I have time.
dragonflydreamer chapter 2 . 7/26/2008
Review Game!

Opening - The opening to this chapter was one of its strongest points. It was vague enough to make the reader wonder what's happening, but literal enough to be interesting. It's also a nice contrast to the current, more high-school style plot. Perhaps a preview of what's going to happen?

Writing - I think your writing suits your story well, especially because it's Aliya narrating. It sounds like a high school girl speaking. You also worked enough of her personality into it to keep it interesting. The only thing is-and I think I mentioned this before-try not to use so many ellipses. They're good for dialogue, but are overused in the narration.

Pace - The pace is definitely going well. You're introducing her reaction and more information about genies. It's not so slow it's boring, nor is it so fast it's crammed.

Characters - I'm getting a better sense of how down to Earth Aliya is in this chapter. I like the scene with the friends especially. It shows her human weakness: her attatchment to her friends, which she is going to miss when she becomes a genie. It makes me feel sorry for her without too much "oh, woe is me!"

This is just a side note that didn't really fit into any catagory. I assume that the liquid form will have some significance to the story? If you're going to introduce it this early, I'd just reccomend steering the reader away from it (and hopefully making them completely forget about it) until the time comes to use it. Otherwise, if you're shoving it down the reader's throat the entire time, it loses its effect.

Nice chapter, and I hope you update this soon!
SorrowfulSoul chapter 1 . 7/25/2008
Okay, I'm going to start off by saying congrats on a pretty darn original idea. I do really like it though I've only so far gotten through the first chapter. I like your character, the way she is very down-to-earth and believable where her personality is concerned. Also I liked the way she was confused about her parents and how she was sure they were getting a divorce though they were really arguing about something much different.

Anyways, on to a few errors. Nothing huge mind you.

"I'm short, and I way 80kg."

This probably shouldn't even be said. Such specifics are kind of . . . well, redundant. It would possibly sound much better if you were to destcribe your character as short and a bit chunky or chubby or something of the sort. When I first started writing I was told plenty of times not to write numbers in but to spell them and when it comes to description, unless the character is standing on a scale their exact weight is not necessary. There are quite a few places where you put in the number instead of writing it out. Also, I think you were looking for "weigh" Spell check doesn't catch everything. Don't you hate that?

"I could already picture the look of disapproval that I'm going to get from her when she finds out about my grades"

It's a small mistake. A change from past tense to present tense. Probably should be written "I could already picture the look of disapproval that she would give me (or "I would get") when she found out . . . "

I hope to move on to chapter two pretty soon. Right now I'm a little busy and barely got the time for all of this -_-; Please don't take me the wrong way, most of the reviews that I give are very thurough and I found a few things wrong, but that doesn't mean I hate your story. . . it's good so far. Your plot is great.
eamane tinuviel chapter 2 . 7/23/2008
First of all, I commend you on avoiding the whole school-of-magic-hogwarts-biter cliche. I like that not all of Aliya's studies will take place in just a school, but that she also has to go out into the real world and practice. Your dialogue is also very good. It helps make the relationship and interaction between your characters more real.

As for some suggestions, just fix up some capitalization and spelling errors:

- Yet i was conscious. (i to I)

- “But i'm fine now, so...” (i'm to I'm)

- A true genie has to serve at the very least, 8 masters pur year. (pur to per)

- I paused, not sure as to weather I should continue. (weather to whether)

- How does that effect us? (effect to affect)

And so forth..

Good job on this chapter! _
vrivasfl chapter 2 . 7/23/2008
FYI, teacher tripping over the overhead cord is always important. That happened to me one in the seventh grade and I've been waiting for it to happen to someone even since. Even though she's fictional, I'll take it. I don't think it'll even happen in my real life, but I digress.

Like you said in the author's note, there was no need for a lengthy angsty period. It wouldn't of hurt if you had included it a bit longer, but I've read stores where people get carried away with angst and they have someone crying over a lost show for five chapters. I'd rather just get on with the story.

Also, thank God that the genie school isn't actually a genie school but more like a training camp. She said it herself in the story. Hogwarts is so cliche. I wonder, are you planning on including all three years of study in this story, or will you separate them into three stories?
BreakingLucinda chapter 2 . 7/23/2008
There are some grammar problems, but other than that, you've avoided the Hogwarts cliche wonderfully. You are doing great.
Fractured Illusion chapter 2 . 7/22/2008
Review Game!

Spelling:

"Yet i was conscious"

- Gasp! You forgot to capitalize the "I". You actually did this a lot in the first section.

"so strongly that if i could i would shiver"

- The "if I could" implies you were going to continue the sentence, but you didn't. So I suggest rephrasing it. "so strong that I shivered"

"I threw myself up woulds so that"

- "upwards", not "up woulds"

"I saw a small, week man"

- "weak" man. A week consists of the seven days :p

"It sceard me then"

- "scared"

"you will nothave to complete "

- FP ate the space between not and have D: It does that sometimes, and I don't know why. Frustrating.

"8 masters pur year"

- "per" year. Purr is something cats do :o

"But don't you daretake away its dignity"

- Another time FP ate the space. I think it does that most when you have italics.

"“You really must allow me finish my sentences, Aliya.”"

- "must allow me TO finish"

Writing:

"I squeezed my eyes open"

- Squeezing implies a closing-in-on-something action, not an opening action. So "I squeezed my eyes shut" would be correct if you wish to use that word. But since you dont want her to close them: "I forced my eyes open", perhaps?

My note in the previous chapter regarding the adverbs still stands, btw :p

Another note: don't try to repeat the same words too often when you describe something. You used an excessive amount of "slowly" in this chapter, as well as "whipped". Variation is the key.

Plot:

Strongest point in this chapter, methinks. I wonder how the liquid form will be like, and how it affects them. Aliya doesn't seem to want to be a genie so maybe it reverses the effect in a harmless way? :p

Characters:

Still liking the aunt. She's sincere and to the point. I think she will come to be Aliya's mentor in the future. That will definitely be good, since the old hag seems to know a thing or two ;

I liked how Aliya misses her friends (and that they seem to miss her). She's not some emo lonely person that everyone hates. She has things to lose by joining the genie-hood world (sorry didn't know how to word it better ;). Stories always grow more intriguing, in the main character has something to lose.

You asked in the AN about her reaction: I think it was a natural one. This part was however adequate. I mean, it is logical if she still feels sorrow and grief over her situation and loss of freedom, but something else should be introduced as well. :)

Opening (other):

I have a hard time relating to the opening scenes, in both this chapter and the previous. I don't know what to identify it as (dream? Future?) so I become alienated instead. I preferred the second scene as a start, but maybe that's just me?

Frac
vrivasfl chapter 1 . 7/21/2008
There are two types of people in this world: Those who know how to write good chapter-ending author notes and those who do not. I fall under the latter category and simply choose not to include them. You fall in the formal.

You are a beautiful writer with a modestly good grasp on characters and actions. I've seen better, but I have also seen far worse. (Far, far worse). I pretty much figured it was a Muslim Arabian family long before you mentioned it. I'm not exactly sure how I came to the conclusion, but I did.

Back to what I said about the author's note. I was loving everything about this until I read "genie school." I cringed so much upon seeing those words. As you mentioned yourself, it's an overused and seldom well-done cliche. You quelled my fears-for mow anyways-in the author's note that the genie school would not be the main focus of the story. I'm going to hold you to that.
Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 7/21/2008
Review game!

Writing:

A harsh lesson I've learned is to lose the adverbs. They really do bring down the piece, big time! You should use them rarely in your stories. Look at this sentence for example:

"He *merely* laughed, and moved *slowly* towards her, then bent over and grabbed her by the chin, and *harshly* lifted her to his face, so that their noses *nearly* touched."

- Now, I counted to 4 adverbs. And they didn't really add a whole lot once things come around.

So my biggest tip on this area is 1st: edit this chapter and lose most of the adverbs.

2nd: when you write a new chapter, write it without ever using an adverb. That way you will have to rely on much more stronger and precise words and phrases.

Another thing: ellipses (the ... ) should also be used rarely. They fit most in dialog. So try to cut them out as well.

"I look like the fucking love child of a cow and a slug"

- Haha, wow! That's slimey and very descriptive. In fact you have a lot of good and strong descriptions (see comment about the aunt). Keep it up.

Spelling:

"and I way 80kg"

- Its called "weigh". Way is where you go :p

"I've gotten that look to many times..."

- It's "too". With only one "o", it's a preposition, I think it's called. You go TO something, etc.

"He said in a concerning tone."

- "concerned"

Characters:

Definitely liked the description of auth Cantara that Ally first gives us. It paints a picture of who she is (to most) instantly.

Not liking her parents at all. They kept such a big thing of her life hidden? What for? Seems unreasonable she should now start to hate this thing when she instead could have grown up with acceptance and perhaps even some sort of positive feeling. O_o

Main character feels realistic and human. I think her situation is understandable, especially considering how her family just dumped thing huge thing on her plate. Only thing I had a bit of a problem with was when she thought they did all that to cover up the divorce. I get that she could think it was a sick joke, but to cover up the divorce seems a bit out there for her to even consider... O_o

Dialog:

You seem to be confused where to use a comma, capital letters, etc. Let me illustrate:

"When said or a form of it comes afterwards, you end with a comma," Frac said.

"When it doesn't, you end with a period." Frac started to chew on imaginary snacks.

Naturally, when you end with a period, you have a capital letter following after, and the opposite when you have a comma. Further illustration:

"For the comma," said Frac.

"For the period." Pink elephants flew outside.

If that still doesn't make sense, just PM me and I will explain further.

Otherwise I feel the dialog is natural (the content I mean). It's not too formal or gangsta or whatever. Just normal, which seems to be the situation in which she is. Was. In the past. Except now :p

Frac
ROexx chapter 2 . 7/21/2008
this is BRILLIANT. (my word ) no seriously. you like NEED to update faster. Your so not cliche its brilliant D And it's not too long, and it's totally interesting. But you should introduce the characters...who they are a little better.

Screw the writers block it was worth waiting D

UPDATE SOON!
B. J. Winters chapter 2 . 7/20/2008
Opening: I liked the consistency of using the genie flashback/foretelling at the start here – but again I struggled on how it related. I’m intrigued, and perplexed at the same time. That may or may not be a good thing.

Plot: Both the library and the café closing – I’m not sure the dialogue is necessary. Chose one it felt very redundant. I’d leave it out of the café sequence. Wandering about works with being pushed out of the library – you don’t need the second convo on that topic.

I’m still not sure why her family lives “normally” and why the aunt isn’t in a bottle. You’ll need to explain that soon. If it’s there and I skimmed over it – excuse the oversight.

Little things:

The footsteps stopped right at my left hand side. I felt a soft, cold finger trace slowly down my arm, down my body. As it did it left a numbness where it had touched, and still i could not protest. The hand brought itself up would again to my chest, and another hand gripped itself over my leg. – i wanted it to stop, i wanted to scream. {do you need capital I’s? Since you’re trapped in caps for sentence beginnings this seems odd as you use it inconsistently}

I threw myself up woulds so that i was sitting, and i wheezed heavily, {upwards?}

Suddenly, i felt a huge push into my stomach as i was thrown back woulds with amazing force, {backwards?}

I opened my eyes sharply. I could feeling them almost bulging out of my skull. {feel}

As my eyes lifted I caught sight of the librarian standing about 3 metres in front of me, {meters?}

“Young lady, are you alright?” she asked tentatively. I just continued to breathe. It took me longer to answear then it should have. {answer}

“But i'm fine now, so...” I added in quickly. There was a pause. {more small I’s}

I turned the door nob, slid the door open and walked into the centre of her bedroom. {knob}

It sceard me then, and it still scares me now. {scared}

I didn't move my eyes from Cantara's bed. I could see her out of the corner of my eye moving to sit in her old antuiqe chair to my right. {antique}

“Well you finish your schooling at age 19, so in the two years that you are not yet a fully developed genie you will nothave to complete a genie's full duties. A true genie has to serve at the very least, 8 masters pur year. A junior will only have to do three. It gives you time to focus on your old life before you fully begin your new one.” {spacing and it’s….per year}

“There are duties?” I immediately replied. My irrated voice began to raise in volume “There – {irritated? Began to rise?}

“Well, what about the liquid form? How does that effect us?” {affect?}

“So... we are basicly slaves... and they made us that way.” {basically}
B. J. Winters chapter 1 . 7/20/2008
Opening: I liked the scene, and the use of pronouns (rather than a name) leaves a mystery for the reader to ponder. Unfortunately, since you don’t tie it back in this chapter I can’t tell if it’s a dream, flashback, or a story she was writing which distracted her enough to get poor grades. That was a little frustrating.

Characters: Your main character is well developed, and you allow the reader into her head. That’s engaging. The aunt also is appropriately daunting.

Dialogue: Very good. You use common speech – nothing too fancy on the vocabulary which plays well with the characters age. You do however write with lots of dots to show pauses. Your writing could be a bit more formal. Don’t overuse that technique.

Ending: Nice cliff hanger. The revelation scene overall was appropriately emotional.

You have lots of detail – and you might not need all of it. Keep true to the story, but maybe trim some of the fluff. For example, at school – do I need to know she went to swimming? It’s interesting to hear about her day, but it didn’t buy me much. You could go straight from the failing grade to the bus and keep the reader engaged with her personal thoughts.

I liked the parents potential divorce being inserted as an explanation for the discussion. That played well and gave nice family background.

Little things:

I hopped of the bus and then began trudging up the street to my house. {off?}

“Another D…” I thought to myself. “Another D. God Ally, what the hell is wrong with you?” {Failed to me means “F”, so this seemed inconsistent. In the US “D” is still passing.}

"muh... okay I’m getting up" I said turning to my mother. Now that I had a proper look at her I noticed that she had an over enthusiastic, fake smile on her face, and that she looked oddly flushed. She must have noticed that I didn't buy her fake enthusiasm, as her smile faded slightly, and she walked out of my room. {you need a comma after okay, and I’d start a new paragraph at –Now-}

“What -…. I – I don’t – “ I stuttered. {the quote mark is out of position. There are a few others like this in the section}

“Sit back down Aliya” said my mum. {you need to have a comma before the quote ends. This, again is typically consistent in American English – it might be less formal in Australia. But I was looking for some sort of punctuation even with the dialogue fragments, and you were not consistent.}

I looked at Cantara and gave her the dirtiest expression I compose. I grabbed my bed pillow and chucked it at her. “GET OUT” I screeched helplessly “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM” Cantara gave me her disapproving look, turned and glided out of the room. I threw myself onto my bed and began sobbing. {I could compose? (verb tense issue). Break the paragraph at - Cantara gave…}
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