Reviews for Missing Three Wishes
FirstBloom13 chapter 1 . 7/20/2008
first, I want to say that I am a harsh critic, and this is my opinion, and feel no obligation to do what I say.

likes: I really liked all the raw emotion. You capture sadness really well.

dislikes: I would like to have someone beta read your work, because it shows a lot of potential but the grammar is not great. also, more segway between topics would help make it less confusing.

all in all it had great potential that it didn't quite reach. 6/10
BreakingLucinda chapter 1 . 7/19/2008
So far, this story is very well-written. I like how you did the little segment of a story before the real one started. Another thing I really appreciated out of this is the fact that Aliya seems like a real teen. She is in no way unrealistic as far as I can see and all of her feelings about becoming a genie seem very human. Some stories that I've read lack that, and yours doesn't. In a nutshell, you are doing very well. Keep going.
xEutopiax chapter 1 . 7/17/2008
Hey!

This is a terrific story so far, the idea for this is so original. I've never really thought of something like this. I like how the dialog went, a lot. It was smooth and consistent and in a lot of ways you could just hear this happening in your head.

My suggestions, um, not very useful but some of your quotation marks go the wrong way, like:

“What -…. I – I don’t – “ I stuttered.

Also I congratulate you on the characters, Aliya in particular. I love the way she was portrayed, she normal and down to earth and readers can relate to her.

So once again, excellent work!

-Kaiyako Kagami
CandleQueen chapter 1 . 7/16/2008
Review Game!

1.) "...but most of the all, cruel smirk that was forming on his face."

You put the word "the" in the wrong place.

2.) "“You c-can’t make m-me give in” She said while wheezing."

Put a comma after "in."

3.) "“They’ll all die you know…” he said, relaxed."

Put a comma between "die," and "you."

4.) "“I’ll never sign” She screamed"

Put commas after "sign" and "screamed."

5.) "His voice no longer relaxed, but low and bitter."

Insert "was" between "voice" and "no."

6.) "“Ok” she sobbed, defeated. “I’ll sign”"

It was kinda ridiculous that she put up such a fuss just to give in a few seconds later. Maybe play around with that part of the story a bit until it seems more believable?

Put a period after "sign."

7.) "...good work here I really like some of your ideas”"

Put a comma after "here," and a period at the end of the sentence.

Haha, my name is one of the names the teacher called. XD

8.) “Ok. Thanks miss.”

Put a comma between "thanks" and "miss. You seem to miss a lot of your commas...watch out for that.

9.) "...school it shouldn’t be top notch?"

Say, "school, shouldn't it be top notch?"

(I kinda have to hurry it up, so I don't think I can pick out the individual errors anymore. Sorry, but I'm kinda in a rush.)

"(Except for the fact that she hates cats... and any other living creature for that matter...)" lol XD

"See, this is why I hate it when I cry. I look like the fucking love child of a cow and a slug." 'nother lol.

Okay, so I like that your character sounds believable, but I think you could make your paragraphs a little longer and your descriptions a tad more vivid. I like the idea, though. Very original, me thinks. :)

-Ramen
dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 7/15/2008
Review Game!

Dialogue - When Ally was speaking, I think the dialogue was quite good. It felt natural, it fit her age, it told a lot about her character, and it conveyed her feelings well. However, you did not change the style of speach at all for the adults. This made them sound juvenile and, at times, stiff and unnatural. Just add a little variation to them and you should be good.

Characters - Ally sounds like a well-rounded character. She has her strengths and her faults, and she comes across as an average teenager. I think my favorite character at this point is the aunt. Many times older characters aren't given much personality, but yours was just overflowing with it. She certainly has the potential to give this story an interesting twist. The way she seems so accepting and resigned to her role as a genie makes me feel sorry for her, too. The only character I'm unsure about is the man at the beginning. From what I've read, he seems to be your stereotypical villian. This may not be true, but it was the impression I got (and one of my first impressions of the story).

Plot - You started it off at a good pace. You told a bit about her normal, high school life (but not too much), and jumped in to the plot once her character was established. At this point, this has the potential to fall into the cliche of a normal girl finding out she has magical powers, but if you apply your research (yay research!), this could turn out to be an amazing story.

Spelling/Grammar - On a general note:

*Using "'Hello,' she said'" as an example, when ending quotes, the period is replaced with a comma and the first letter afterwards is lowercase.

*Try not to use so many ellipses (. . .)

More specifically:

*thrown again, once again falling and sliding - try to change one of the 'again's

*You’re parents will have to be notified - first "you're" should be "your."

*that I’m going to get from her when she finds out about my grades. - watch the tense switches (I'm I was, finds found)

*My god. - capitolize God (sorry, I forget which one this one was)

*her legs wen't there - weren't

Overall, this is off to a good start. Just a few tweaks here and there and this will be a great beginning!
loves him chapter 1 . 7/15/2008
[“You c-can’t make m-me give in” She said while] comma before the last quotation mark

[His voice no longer relaxed,] his voice was no longer relaxed

[He then turned and led he warriors towards a large cart] second time you've used 'he then turned'. it's getting kind of repetitive. different word choice would probably be best.

[“I’ll sign”] period at the end.

[too much analysing, too much technique stuff] lmaoo. ahh, I have to agree completely with you there.

[...so if we really think about it then we could say that they caused it rather...] think about it, then we could

[shit.] capitalize.

[and I way 80kg] weigh. btw, how much is 80 kg in pounds (cuz that's what I'm used to)?

[aunt Cantara] Aunt Cantara.

[... is probably the most scary, nosy, judgmental old woman you ...] is probably the scariest, nosiest, and most judgemental old woman

[She's Arabian] idk, I have a lot of Arab friends and they always call themselves Arab, not Arabian. Although I guess that both of them work.

[Her drawn on eyebrows on her darkly tanned face would rise, and her lips would curl inwards ever so slightly so that her already deep wrinkles become even more prevalent] Nice description. It helped characterize her aunt really well (as this old, kind of condescending woman).

[...just your average uptight, mean, creepy old woman] period

[So Once I was in the sanctuary] So once...

[it started about 2 months ago... Fight after Fight.] it started about two months ago, fight after fight sounds better

[I look like the fucking love child of a cow and a slug.] LMAO. Aww, isn't that all too true?

[Nothing is worse than your parents knowing that you've cried and then trying to "relate to your pains".] Oh my goodness, I get that totally. Because honestly, half the time, you really don't want to broadcast your feelings to the world, especially not your parents. hahha, loved this part, I could really relate to Aliya here.

[...neither of them making eye contact with me...] The elipses at the end aren't necessary. a period should be just fine.

[It held a long dead plant that my busy family has never bothered to replace.] I liked how you snuck the detail of the plant into place BEFORE her Aunt transformed it.

["SHUT UP. JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH!" I screamed,] I don't think that underlining is necessary, since the caps gets your point across rather effectively.

[Suddenly I was speechless... my paraplegic great aunt just... rose to her feet...] I liked the way that you emphasized this, with the elipses in between.

[Suddenly I felt a rush in my head...And then, WHAM] Again, great description.

[I fell backwoods] fell backwards

[Amongst my deep sobs it hit me.] comma between sobs and it

mkay, so if you haven't noticed it yet, I review as I read. (: I like your idea, since I've never read a genie fic. I have to admit that the magic school idea does sound pretty cliche, but I'll take your word that it isn't. I really dug the whole first half, up until the part where Aliya finds out that she's a genie. The imagery was really great and Aliya was well characterized. The second half could use some work, although it could just be the slight mistakes here and there. Anywho, I like your idea and hope that you update soon.
deefective chapter 1 . 7/13/2008
Well, this is an interesting story so far. The characters are really what drew me in to the story. I like the way that you started the chapter off with a sort of flash back to the past and at the same time that gave off a bit of foreshadowing. The only thing I would say though is that you have a few spelling and punctuation errors and I think this should be in the "Fantasy" or "Supernatural" fiction section. Other than that, good job.
Timbo Slice chapter 1 . 7/1/2008
-Dialog: The dialog was decent until Cantara brought up why she had swirling gas for legs. It was just sorta dry, like she just said, "yeah, this is why i have SWIRLING BLUE GAS INSTEAD OF LEGS!" How do you say "ugh"? such wordings like this can be dropped with little impact on the story.

-Characters: Aliyah is an interesting character, and fits well into the plot. I'm sure you'll no doubt tie the beginning of the story with what's going on in her life.

-Writing: I thought that the writing was a little too say the least, with all of Aliyah's thoughts and insights being muddled with the rest of the wriitng. Try using italicizing for thoughts and just flat out saying "Aliyah thought".

-Spelling: I know you mentioned your Australian origins, but too much of the regional wording and slang can be a little daunting. Remember, you write for an audience, and not everyone knows the Aussie lingo. There were also some speliing mistakes that can be remedied with a spell check love.
Riley Pickett chapter 1 . 7/1/2008
Review game!

Minor grammatical issues... see below:

"...took a deep breath (and shakily) attempted"

"They'll all die(,) you know"

"...not to aggree(,)" he said.

"I'll never sign(,)" she screamed.

This happens quite a few times... generally, when writing dialogue, a sentence should be written like,

"I'll never join you, you can't turn me," Aliya mumbled.

Spell out the word "Okay," when the girl agrees to sign...

Sound effects like "RING," shouldn't be used in writing. You could say the bell rang shrilly, or something like that, but sound effects within the work distract the reader from the piece.

Another minor slip-up... "I'm short, and I (weigh) 80kg."

As I'm fairly ditzy American, it took me a while to realize that you meant 80 kilograms. My apologies... however, to avoid confusion, try hard to not abbreviate things in the future.

Other than that, it's pretty good. The beginning really grabbed me, and my interest piqued when Aliya realized she was a genie. Intresting plot, it's most decidedly unique.

One thing I didn't like too much... paranthetical citations. It used to be my lowest point. Show, don't tell the audience these things. While paranthetical citations are okay for some, they realy derail my train of thought... but I'm the ditziest person on the face of the Earth, so that might explain something. All in all, well done! Good luck with the rest of this story!
Alive Out of Habit chapter 1 . 6/24/2008
It was quite a interesting twist on Genies. You gave some good insight on Aliya, letting us know what kind of person she is and making it quite easy to relate to her. Although I rather detest fictional first person stories, you did it quite well here.

It did however seem like a Harry Potter story. There are a few similarities between your main character and elements of the story to that one. I know that you said that this won't be your regular cliche story, just make sure to make that known in the story sooner rather than later.

Overall, I enjoyed the story for the great character you introduced to us. I look forward to see how you develop her.

A few errors that I noticed.

"Which is odd, because being a private school it shouldn’t be top notch?"

Add a comma after school and take out that 'it'

“How’d you go?"

Don't know if you meant do, or if that's just Australian.

"Cantara gave a small, irritated grunt sighin our family.""

That's not me putting two quotation marks by accident, one is yours which shouldn't be there.

"So Once I was in the sanctuary of my room I locked the door and slumped onto my bed."

Once shouldn't be capitalized.

"It felt like a title wave had just hit me"

Think you meant tidal wave here.

"granting wishes to spoilt -!”

Spelling error, spoiled.
403 Forbidden chapter 1 . 6/23/2008
I really like the main character. You really get into her head accurately. I liked the beginning too, it grabbed my attention and I wonder if it ties back into the story somehow. I disliked that some conclusions (ie. I am an Arabian Supernatural Being...) were reached too quickly without enough forethought. As a whole, your story is pretty good at being realistic while resting on the theme of genies. Please keep adding.
MaDMaS22 chapter 1 . 6/20/2008
When I review I tend to try to be detailed so even though this is an easy fix.

ill just give some good concrit anyways right? cool.

The Little Things (technique):

"She was winded, and could hardly breathe, ('and now') had a fresh, deep cut up her arm. Tears were streaming down her face."

This could use a bit of smoothing over. It doesn't flow all that well. and as a reader the opening is important especially on fiction press I know I decide if I will continue reading a story within the first few sentences. So its important to start off strong. watch out for unnecessary words in your descriptions. 'and now' is not needed. just as she was winded and could hardly breath are in themselves redundant. no need to emphasize her breathlessness.

Be careful with words and phrases like suddenly or just then or immediately after. they can be jarring to the reader and many times are not necessary to properly convey immediacy.

There seem to be many tense errors also. I wont go through and point them all out but it basically seems to be happening frequently which leads me to believe that this is an area to work on.

Also the general structure what with the colons detonating when certain charters are about to speak or perform an action is non traditional and a tad jarring.

What I Liked:

I liked the creativity. It seems to be a very well imagined world. I really like magic and epic battles with soldiers. I think that there is Definitely alot here to build upon.

Hanna seems live a rather realistic character. I liked the way she was written

Things to think about:

Please watch out for redundancy

"Oh my God, oh my God. Oh my God.

I kept saying that over and over and over again in my mind."

This is an example we have the thought and we have the narration describing the very same thought.

One or the other is fine. both are not necessary.

I also suggest reading alot of your favorite authors. In reading. try to pick out what you like and dislike about their writing style. What picture do you see in your mind when you read. is it fuzzy is it clear. try to emulate the writing style of your fav. author and eventually you will be able to tweak the style to make it your own.

I Recommend Neil Gaiman, Robert Jordan and Philip Reeve. All very good authors with differing but descriptive writing styles.

Lastly think about shortening the length of this intro chapter by breaking it up into a prequel. It is difficult to dedicate alot of time to review so many words, somewhere below 30 words I would say, is a good rule of thumb.

Overview:

Interesting start. Well thought out characters. watch tense errors. careful of redundancy. check out your fav authours and compare their writing styles to your own. clean up some technique weaknesses. Shorten or break up this chapter.

Think that's everything in a nutshell.

Happy writing!

~Cheers~

~MaDMaS22~
Jess Megan chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
Reviewing as I read.

"She was winded, and could hardly breathe, and now had a fresh, deep cut up her arm."

There are a few too many "ands" and commas here.

"he suddenly felt a large tug on her hair as she was thrown again, once again falling and sliding."

You could omit "once again falling and sliding." the readers get the idea before that. Use commas sparingly.

"They'll all die you know..." he said, relaxed." It might be better if you say "he said in a relaxed tone." or something like that, but its just my opinion.

I see a lot of run on sentences...Try to avoid more than one and and more than two to three commas...if you have to use more than that, make another sentence of it.

Avoid "UGH." And caps.

I am glad to see that you're character isn't perfect, as you show with her receiving a "D".

Nice conclusion though.

Keep writing, I see lots of potential!
ROexx chapter 1 . 6/17/2008
go aussies! moving on. if you have already written the story sorry...but it would be cool if she didn't go to genie school. and everytime someone says i wish yeh problems...fyi avoid the line "why, genie school of course" your not helping with the tryin not to be cheesy thing. Can't wait your an awsome writer!

Des xx
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