|Reviews for A Hell of a Town|
| LehCarXRachel chapter 33 . 7/30/2013
I love Z so much!
This was a really awesome story :)
It got overwhelming at times but a good overwhelming LOLOL you are so skilled at writing and i cant wait to start on your next story. :)
Thank you for sharing this story i truly enjoyed it!
| Minty F chapter 26 . 1/16/2011
Better late than never, right?
6 MORE CHAPTERS.
This review will be shorter than my usual ones as I don't feel as verbose as I used to. It'll also sound like it was written by an eighth grader because it was late when I wrote most of it and as the hours ticked by I lost IQ points. So here we go.
I like learning about *Tyler* Tyler. Pretty cool how he used to play baseball. And when Dexter's asking *Curiel* Tyler about Tyler Tyler's memories, Curiel answers funny. Like, so calculated and technical with no feeling. Because they aren't really his memories. They're someone else's and therefore he didn't live them and have any emotional attachment to them. Ooh, I see what you did there.
Yay, back to Juliette and Zatailah! Oh how I missed these two. The opening of this segment was good, describing all the colored marks on Juliette's body. I can just imagine her looking like a gang of kindergarteners jumped her.
"As for Zatailah, she felt a sensation familiar to her." - Oh sh!t
I'll admit, when the chapter flipped back to Dexter and Tyler, I wanted to protest. But this is keeping my attention so far. Dex and Ty make a cool duo, like the black guy and Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.
"Tyler followed the train of thought. To be honest, what use was that particular gift of faith if no one was around to ask him?" - Exactly. That's why you have Tiffany. Hinthint. Elbownudge.
Whoa whoa wait. I don't remember this bit at all. Tyler convinced the other fallen angels to let Ty live? What? I must have not paid attention when I read this part last year. Well, that certainly adds another layer to this story!
Ohh, here's Sarah. Great to see her again. What's this.. a history lesson? Germans attempted to break through Paris.. stalled.. blah.. didn't retreat.. blah blah.. Switzerland and blahblah I'm falling asleep.
Now MATH? I was about to walk away from the computer in disgust when I kept reading and actually liked what you did with that. How thick is a man's life? Hm.
The cookie part is cute :3 Who knew you could write something cute? LOL
"He had refused to take followers. He considered it to be morally wrong." - But he thinks it's perfectly alright to scare the living fluff out of a good priest? Well. A fallen angel's morals must be kind of messed up.
I haven't been commenting much on bits because I'm so wrapped up in the story. Just came back to this little review box to say YAY, Tyler and Tiffany backstory! *heart* They have an adorable love story. If you wrote a one-shot on their meeting and subsequent encounters, I'd totally read it.
This non-Indian accent is kind of a pain to read. I think it slowed my reading speed to about three words a minute. Also, that is a really expensive cab ride. I think I'd rather walk than pay that.
"Do I look presentable?" - haha, Zatailah. She may be a rotting corpse, but she's just like any other human girl at this moment.
Everyone's meetin' up at Thornton. This is shaping up to be quite a showdown. If I didn't have stuff to do, I'd eagerly move on to the next chappie to see what goes down. As usual, good, hellishly long chapter with cute and adorable bits. Weird.
PICKY TIME ~ (EXTRA PICKY!)
Tyler was wearing a personalized jersey above his black t-shirt
- over his black t-shirt
with his own name "STEVENS", written on the back
- aw, how I missed all of your unnecessary commas!
he was still wearing the Bud's stitches
- 'the' Bud lol
from the game Sarah and Tiffany had attended; in addition to Bud's latest patchwork.
- get rid of that semi colon
You're still being creative with dialogue tags in this chapter too, I see. In a two person conversation, like the one between Dexter and Tyler, you don't always need a 'he said' or 'he asked' or whatever. With only two people in the convo, and they're taking turns exchanging comments, it's obvious who said what. So sometimes you can just leave one person's piece of dialogue in its own line. And we, as the readers, will understand who said it through the natural flow of conversation. You probably know this, because I've seen you do it in a couple places, but you don't do it enough in my opinion.
The two of them were alone, in the one Thornton Hospital's many waiting rooms.
Watch how you use semi colons. The sentence after the semi colon should be able to stand on its own independently like a normal sentence.
Like he said earlier, he wasn't Indian.
- pft, he didn't say that.
The only thing that really bothered me in this chapter was all the 'he wondered' and 'he observed' etc. That's the thing I'd go after first in the editing process. Make your dialogue flow as natural as the rest of the story does. Then it'd be near perfect.
Okay, I'm out. Hopefully I'll get the next review done before Christmas.
| Minty F chapter 25 . 8/24/2010
It’s been a while since my last review. Now to remember what’s going on. If your story ever became a TV show (wouldn’t that be cool? That’d be really cool), I’d be thankful for little recaps at the beginning of each episode.
Oh that’s right. Zatailah’s at Tydannoth’s crib. Wow, that jawless description is creepy. I’m trying to imagine it right now… A person without a mouth… I wonder if you can actually live like that. Eating would be awkward. But I guess angels don’t have to eat, do they? Well you could just pipe your food through a tube…-babble babble-
Now how ironic is that. A life-giving angel/demon goes to Earth and takes many lives while a reaper doesn’t want to harm a soul. It’s at this point that Ty should look at herself and realize something isn’t right with this picture. If the Mistress of Silence doesn’t even care about getting rid of people, why should you? Wake up and smell the coffee you’ve been guzzling gallons of on a daily basis, gurl.
"She is not manipulative, distrusting, or petty. It is as if her heart truly is…" - a Mary Sue O:
(Srsly, Zat and Sarah are a Dynamic Mary Sue Duo. Sarah more than Zat, though.)
And how evil is it that Ty uses Larisa’s story as justification for EVERYTHING? I’m pretty sure Larisa, an average suicidal human doctor, didn’t take her own life so her body could be used for a psychopathic cause. It’s such a disgrace to Larisa’s memory, telling her story like that and basically saying it’s what Larisa worked toward and would have wanted. Such LIES.
I really do not like Tydannoth right now. -fumes-
Two tall men in a tiny, crappy hotel room. What a… great location to hold planning and discussion. I wonder what the person at the front desk thought when they checked in two guys with no luggage. Or maybe that’s normal in that part of the country?
"Raving Lunatic Causes Chaos at Thornton" - lol. That’s funny. There is a raving lunatic causing chaos at Thornton, but it sure isn’t Dexter.
I kind of wish Dexter had screamed. I dunno why, but I imagine it’d be slightly high-pitched.
Yay, we didn’t have to sit through and read two long explanations! The switch from Tyler and Dexter to Zat and Ty was nicely done.
Oh great, now Zat’s on Ty’s side. Team Tyler is doomed. Didn’t Zat promise not to hurt anyone while on Earth? Or was I just dreaming.
A lettuce and mustard sandwich… Is that normal? Do people actually eat that? It sounds disgusting.
Ohh, I have the bad habit of eating too fast. Not only do you not savor your food, but it’s also bad for your digestion.
Ha, poor Tiffany. Everyone’s just using her like some kind of search engine. But really, if I had a friend with that kind of power I’d do the same thing. Though my questions would prolly make Zat look like a genius.
If anyone were to piss off Zatailah, my bet would be Juliette. She has absolutely no tact. I’m kind of surprised they didn’t get into a little scuffle. (Though they definitely would’ve if not for Ty’s interference.) Now I’m wondering where the story would be if Juliette had been slain that night. It certainly would’ve been a better death than that Caesar-like beat down she got in the end.
Well, better for her, not for us. I personally love the way she died.
And now they’re going to a baseball game to charge the faith battery. Good, good. Padres fans must really love their team.
So not a *lot* happened in this chapter. It was more about characters finding out things and preparing to do stuff in the next chapter. Still, not bad. Another good read.
I noticed a lot of semicolon usage in this chapter. Especially the beginning. There’s nothing really wrong with that, but in some spots you can switch out the semicolon for something else or just modify the sentence. (I admit that the semicolon overload did distract me more than once.)
Speaking of the semicolon, it’s used incorrectly here: “She had explained that she was in need of some faith; as she could feel the pull of Hell trying to return her to her prison.” - The second sentence couldn’t stand on its own independently, so a comma would work best here.
more interested in whatever he was reading then actually helping him out of his predicament. - than
The boy's current inhabitant returned the gaze. - unless Larisa was a guy all along… I think you mean body.
"None," Tydannoth softly uttered? - should end with a period
"What!" Tydannoth asked, surprised? - I’m starting to wonder if these question marks are done on purpose…
"No, not that," Dexter asked. - he didn’t ask anything
So I notice you use a lot of ‘creative’ dialogue tags - like observed, answered, replied, demanded, etc. But you seldom use ‘said.’ Said is a great word because it’s invisible. When you use those other words too much, it starts to get difficult to read. Try to use the magical said more often!
…stayed to fight the lady off wouldn't bee a good idea. - extra E in be
"Ask Tiffany," Hector jokingly observed. "She knows everything, doesn't she?" he asked, in a joking tone. - Yeeah, we get that he’s joking.
There are some missing words here and there, but I didn’t think any were important enough to point out.
Until next time. When I have 7 MORE to go! (And when I don’t find myself on the losing end of a war.)
| Minty F chapter 24 . 7/6/2010
Finally I have a spare moment! Now where was I… oh yeah.
8 MORE CHAPTERS.
"I am sorry" - ah, that line gets me every time. I have to admit, with all the action and characters this story has (plus the time it's taken me to review each chapter) it's been really easy for me to forget some things. Particularly the fact that Sarah and Tiffany both know about demons, but one doesn't know that the other knows about them. I had to sit back for a moment and do a little recap of the entire story.
"No, I never asked you why I didn't die. Besides, what good would that do? That's an abstract question." - did Sarah say that? How did she know about the abstract question thing? Either I missed something or it's yet another thing I forgot about.
Ohh, THERE'S the explanation of what Zat was doing to Sarah with the ebony spark. Why is it I always ask questions only to get the answer shortly afterwards. Waste of time.
This whole scene is giving me a Matrix flashback. Don’t tell me you stole from THAT movie, too :P
"Nice catch, Neo." - WAHA, you DID. My god, is there anything you wouldn't take from?
Zatailah’s constant questions coupled with Tiffany’s gift is hilarious. I imagine her head is like a computer without a pop-up blocker and Zat is one of those shady sites that spam you with ads for porn and free emoticons. That’s bound to get annoying.
This part feels like a tour of San Diego or something. Not a bad thing, since I’ve never been there. So this is actually interesting.
Aww, Zatailah with the plane! I’ve been looking forward to this scene since I started rereading this. So cute so cute! *heart*
When Tyler’s asking about Dexter, it seems he doesn’t know that this is the same Dexter that Sarah and Tiffany know. But doesn’t Tyler know Dexter? I thought he did. Oh, I bet Tiffany can answer where Dexter’s whereabouts are because Bud’s wife wrote it in her diary, huh?
As soon as Zatailah got away, she destroyed the plane… This must be an example of what you meant when you said that Sarah kept Zatailah in check. Once Zat was out of Sarah’s company she started doing the first violent thing since coming to Earth. It’s kind of amazing what you notice when you reread things I guess.
What’s with these ghosts? I really want to know. If the ghosts are explored more in Lost then you’d better get to it quick. If they’re in Oblivion then you’d better get to it quicker.
Sarah’s motherliness towards Zat is very cute. Made me go ‘aw’ on the inside. And Tiffany’s commentary makes me laff. These three have great chemistry together. They’d make a great manga… I can see it already…
Zatailah: *sweatdrop* I am sorry!
Sarah: *grows to 50 times her normal size and develops razor sharp teeth whilst yelling at Zat* AIYA! You idiot!
Tiffany: *steps out of the frame to avoid Sarah’s wrath*
Okay, I’m getting off track here. Probably to distract myself from this chapter’s ridiculous length. Alright so picking up with the second half of the chapter.
“Ohmygod ohmygod!” - ai, those squished-together words again. That’s gotta be KT. Anyway, that was a confusing bit there with the characters we don’t know mentioning a character we don’t know and a symbol we don’t know. I don’t like not knowing. Unfortunately it worked very well in this case to spark the reader’s interest and distract them from this chapter’s ridiculous length. *cough*
Never mind, forget about the length. This just got really good.
I love this chase scene. And Zatailah’s badassery is like icing on the cake. That moment where the lightning flashed to reveal her sickle - that was nice. I could see it clearly in my head. In fact, everything here - the ‘bleeding’ of the orange hair dye and Zat’s true form - is all described very well. I don’t know if I like these cuts back and forth to Jackson, though. Every time the scene cuts to him, I feel like I’m taken out of the direct action and into the sidelines, watching with him. It’s much more fun being right THERE as Zat and the monster battle it out.
(Speaking of Jackson, I kind of wonder what happened to him after the fight ended. I imagine a long, awkward pause in his squad car followed by more awkwardness when backup arrives.)
Disturbia. A very fitting song. I listened to it while I read this part to get more into the scene. Bum bum bedum bum bum bedum bum.
Lol, the woman called triple A rather than 911? Seriously? What a douche.
“This episode was okay, the one where one guy had watched the show for three straight months to learn the board's pattern, then got on and won over a hundred thousand dollars was his favorite though.” - I heard about that. Really clever guy. You know CBS was really embarrassed over that so they refused to show the episodes that the guy was on. I find that funny.
And… I’m done! I feel as though I’ve just crossed the finish line of a very long, grueling marathon. I was extra picky while reading, so Picky Time is a bit longer than usual.
Sarah said to Tiffany, in a demanding tone.
- You don't need that comma. (In fact you don't need a lot of commas but we've been through this before.)
Tiffany interrupted fed up with all of the distractions.
- now to completely contradict what I just said... you do need a comma after 'interrupted'
It really was amazing how much she was in the dark right now, she though that role would fall to Tiffany.
- Part after the comma should be its own sentence. You also forgot the T at the end of thought.
"Yup," Tiffany asked.
- I don't think she asked anything..
After all, she was never good at sports or thing like this, how'd she do that?
- that last part (how'd she do that?) should be its own sentence. And ‘thing’ needs an S at the end.
Also, the city's famous zoo was also housed in the northern section of it.
- Redundant with the repeat of ‘also’
Tiffany was interrupted but the abrupt ringing of her cell phone.
She sounded so excited, as she had just won the lottery.
- as if
the car's motion expelled her arm window's glass took its toll
- Uh, that doesn’t make much sense. Maybe you intended for a comma to be after ‘arm’ or a semi colon?
The car twisted and stopped as Tiffany frantically switched gears from reverse to drive. The woman chased the car, frantically trying to either stop it or somehow prevent it from leaving.
- too much ‘frantically’ going on for me
Frantically, Zatailah rose and gave chase.
- yep, definitely too much frantically.
"No clue," Tiffany said, frantically trying to maneuver the car across the bridge.
Tiffany still frantically tried to work the shifter.
- using a thesaurus isn’t a bad thing, you know.
The driver of the car behind the semi truck was no so lucky.
From somewhere down the hall, he could here the television on.
5 spins in the earned column, six in the passed column
- can’t have a numeral and a spelled-out number in the same sentence like this. Either say ‘5 spins… 6 in the passed column’ or ‘five spins… six in the passed column’
In the scene where Tyler visits Bud’s house, right before the line break in the exchange between Tyler and Dexter, you used ‘answered’ four times in a row in the dialogue tags. I don’t recommend doing that. Oh, and you used ‘observed’ a lot in this chapter. (Thirteen times, but who's counting?)
Before Larisa could reply, the tow of them heard a loud sound
Although this took me forever to review, it was a well-done chapter. Nothing felt unnecessary (okay, maybe the extended detailing of the game show was a bit much). It had action, laughs, and really jolted the story forward in terms of plot. For the first time I can feel everything coming together for the climax and then the resolution.
Watch out for over-using words and phrases, though. There are some words you repeated at least a dozen times in this chapter alone. But, again, who's counting? ;)
Otherwise, enjoyable chapter. Now only 8 MORE TO GO.
PS. This is easily my longest review to date. It was four pages on Word and I'm quickly running out of characters. -amazed-
| CountdownTillDawn chapter 11 . 7/3/2010
Dexter was right. I'm a Jesus Freak (as you so adequately put it in chap. 8) and I’m pissed! Not really. I’m joking. Anyways, the story is flipping awesome! The theology is terrible but the story’s still good. Good work!
| CountdownTillDawn chapter 8 . 7/2/2010
I just found the perfect theme song for this story: Looking for Angels by Skillet
| Valiant Valkyrie chapter 3 . 6/22/2010
I found some spelling mistakes whilst enjoying this story:
"'Baby Steps,' Larisa muttered allowed." (should be 'aloud').
"...first her social worker, than foster..." (should be 'then').
"It looks like it was about to fall off." (should be 'looked').
In addition, there were a few awkward parts in the prose, such as when Larisa transforms into her whatsits angel-like form. "...and it. Had. Wings!" being written in the narrator's voice, the periods in between the words don't fit. If you wrote it as Juliette's own thought: "It. Has. Wings!" it would sound better. I can't pinpoint all the parts for you (there weren't many, and I can't remember where they were or what they stated) but sometimes the narration sounds more like one of the characters than a neutral story teller.
The story itself is good. You don't answer any of the reader's questions directly, but you show the audience things, such as Larisa's transformation, rather than telling us she's an acid-trip angel. Putting your two forefront characters in close proximity is enticing as well.
I READ ON!
| lookingwest chapter 2 . 6/5/2010
I think my last review for Lost cut me off -_- What I was saying: Overall, I can't wait to figure out what this universe you've created is like due to all the death and 'replacement' people, :D So now back to Hell...
Especially FREE alcohol!
-Eh, "FREE" doesn't need to be capped in my opinion
...who wasn't technically 21...
-Edit: spell out "twenty-one"
I pick up that the beginning is really light-hearted, so if there's a later focus on seriousness, I'll be interested to see how you switch to it. Right now it seems to open with all smiles. I don't think the beginning is that weak because you juxtapose it with the ending of the last chapter too, so we get a contrast of horrifying to happy and that kept it interesting, maybe not the first time it's been done, but interesting, nonetheless.
It was Dexter's first full game that day and he did well too.
-Edit: would insert comma after "day"
...but know that you could probably win the fight that might break out.
-I noticed you like to use "you" in third person. I'm not sure it's appropriate, as it's usually meant for first person narratives. Generally the narrator wants to stay out of the story. Maybe try replacing the "you"'s with "one". Though that might be too formal for the tone some times...
The only problem was that when Earl gets about half a beer in him, he never shuts up.
-Edit: you slip into present tense here. Would suggest "The only problem: once Earl drank down about half a beer, he never shut up."
-Edit: Hm, now normally I would tell you to italicize the "never" and not underline, but when you send in manuscripts to publishers, you always have to underline instead of use italics for those situations, so I'll just leave it. Seems manuscript ready ;)
Now HE was stuck with Earl.
-Edit: un-cap "HE" and underline it like you did with "never"
"Deckstah! Lovely game today, mate."
-XD, I could really hear that dialogue
Gotta be dyed, Dexter thought.
-Ah, see here, you italicized his thoughts-so maybe pick which format you'd like, and stick with it. Italics or underline?
It made the back of her head look kind of like a reddish tangerine.
- D: That is most certainly Kira...
"Gimme a Three Wise Men."
-That's a little intense for watching a game, haven't heard that one before.
I feel that this bar scene was very long and as a reader I didn't see the direction in it while reading. Where's this going? Whereas Kira's story had a lot of hints and foreshadow, this has almost none, and it makes me wonder if I should keep reading or skip to the next part. Though I didn't, it just had me going "okay, they're drunk, they like rugby, and Earl never shuts up."
"So you're from QUEENSland? Well…that explains everything!"
-Edit: would just italicize the "Queens" part instead of capping
...but clearly no man should have to get embarrassed like that like Dexter did tonight.
-Edit suggestion: "...but clearly no man should feel as embarrassed as Dexter did tonight."
Yeah, I'm just not sure what the purpose of this part was. I'd be open to knowing though, maybe I'm missing something. It just seemed like an extension of that same bar scene. And I think you'd already done an excellent job of establishing that Dex is drunk. There was a hint of something there, when Dex explains his routine and Mondays ect., but it was mixed with a twinge of "tell" to me.
First thing first, Dexter ran through his personal field sobriety test.
-Would suggest sticking it into it's own new paragraph
He was parked on 14th and G, with Island being the in the place of the letter "I".
-Seemed like unneeded description to me. I've never been to San Diego, so this extra detail seemed like something directed towards a reader who knows the area, but since you're writing for a wider audience, some times description can get tossed. I do that a lot with my writing too, when I start describing somewhere I'm very familiar with.
Once you got off the main row of alcohol dispensing in the Gaslamp Quarter, the rest of the town is relatively quiet.
-Edit: this was all in present tense, so I'm trusting now that you know how to fix them (though I'm sure you did before too).
-Edit: and would replace "one" with "you"
-Edit: and "got" with "walked"
Although, with gas being the way it is...
-Edit: switch it from present to past
Nope, it sounded like help!
-Honest: I almost laughed, came off a little too peppy.
His teeth were buried in her neck, with claret blood flowing out of both his mouth and her neck.
-Edit: "neck" ends both clauses here, so it sounds redundant. Would suggest: "His teeth were buried in her neck, where a claret of blood flowed from both her neck and his mouth."
-And yay-vampires! I'll be picky with them, mind you, so we'll see how creative you are in the over-done Supe department.
The odd thing was that Dexter was good at people charging into him. He played rugby after all, he did this all the time.
-Suggested edit: "Luckily, Dexter was quick when it came to people charging into him. He played rugby after all, so he did it all the time."
-Though "he did it all the time" implies that Dexter is usually the one doing the charging on the rugby team, not handling the charging. So maybe some further sentence tweaking can be arranged.
"You're dead, asshole! You hear me? Dead!"
-lawls, the irony.
Must've been about about 12 seconds to the end of the block…that had to be 200 meters!
-Edit: omit second "about"
-Edit: spell out "twelve" and "two hundred"
"Keep this around your neck! Tight! Do you hear me! TIGHT! DON'T LET GO!"
-Caps came off too strong with me here, would suggest un-capping them.
"Um…sure." she managed. She barely said anything at all.
-Edit: comma instead of period after "sure"
She barely said anything at all.
-Edit: Implied by your last sentence, though if you decide to keep this sentence, would suggest omitting "at all"
She thought about that for a moment. Walk? Why? What was going on anyway?
-Eh, didn't like this switch in third person...maybe it's because I feel like this is an important character, but we just met her, and to get into her head right away even though we're so invested in Dexter feels off.
Dexter turned off the radio. This was no time for AC/DC/.
-Last backlash not needed? O.o I don't remember. You're probably right, I'm sure you listen to them more often than I do, and would therefore know correct spellings, XD
Alright, so, overall-
You've invested a whole lot of detail into Dexter and this is the first chapter, so I'm thinking he's going to be one of our MCs. The bar scene was too drawn out but it was nice to get to know Dex and any potential other minor characters, and also see Kira at the bar.
The vampire scene...I feel like it was a little cliche. Not only in the vampiric sense, but also in the woman/man relationship bits. I read into gender *a lot* when I do my readings of FP, and this is what I saw: Woman in help, man is essentially taking sexual advantage of her. Knight and white horse appear, men battle it out for woman, White Knight is victor, and thus gets the prize of the woman. Woman is thus saved by a man.
I like my women characters to be strong, so I'm interested to see if I will end up liking Sarah, if she even is an MC (maybe she isn't). I'm also interested in whether or not the hospital has seen these sorts of attacks before, because if there are vampires in your city, more than likely the hospital has encountered those with vampire bites somewhere in their history, especially if Mr. Red Shirt is the resident vampire-he was chased off pretty easy from just being attacked by one human.
So you've definitley have me thinking of a lot of possibilities, and I like that. Most of all, I want to see what this story offers me as a fan who loves the Supe genre. What are you going to want me to take away from it, and how will it be set apart from the many other Supe stories?
Should be a fun ride...
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 6/3/2010
So I see this *everywhere* on Fictionpress, on many favorites, and after listening in on Undiscovered I was like, "Okay, gotta go check this one out, at least the first chapter!"
First off, I like your narrative voice for Larisa. I can definitley pick up the conversational qualities and I like that she almost asks the reader for assurance to make herself feel better about her decision. It's almost comical, and the way you dropped hints about her lifestyle and profession were smart, because you definitley didn't information dump the reader, you were direct and too the point, "here's the situation, and here's a little background, let's do this."
The story went on about a BIID sufferer that had decided he'd be better off without his left hand.
-Edit: would replace "that" with "who"
He felt better now that he'd shortened his left arm to a stump.
-Edit: I feel an odd slip here with perhaps a tense, I'm not sure. It didn't read right to me out loud. I would suggest omitting "now that" with "once", it might smooth it out a bit.
The patient simply was convinced that the hand had to go.
-Edit: would relocate "simply" to after "was" so the adverb comes before the direct verb to modify it.
43 years old, kids are just about to go to college.
-Edit: spell out "forty-three"
She had only one last thing to do today...
-I found this paragraph a little dense. Hm, I'm thinking that I wanted it broken up a little more, perhaps into two separate paragraphs, I'll try to find a sentence for a more detailed suggestion...maybe start a new paragraph with:
-"His kids said he was having trouble writing for a while. "
-Speaking of this sentence, the "a while" is a little out of place-does it mean to say that the kids were only talking about the trouble writing for a small amount of time and then they stopped talking about it? Since he goes to the hospital soon after, I would think they wouldn't have "stopped talking about it", but instead they found the problem was the tumor. Eh, I might not be making any sense. Being nit-picky tonight, haha.
The MRI was scarier than any ghost story she'd ever heard.
-Very cool metaphor here.
His wife. Larisa looked down to her wedding ring.
-Edit: would replace "to" with "at"
Call me? Larisa wondered. Why?
-Could see Larisa's narrative voice coming through here...
-I have to say this wasn't what I expected! I've yet to come across a story on FP with such details focused on a doctor. I'm open to pretty much anything, so I really liked getting this inside look on Larisa's life and profession. Since you introduce it right away, I can already tell it's a huge part of her life and means a lot to her, so it's good to see what's most important come out as soon as possible. I also found your discussion on the medical terminology and mentions of various diseases informal and *very* believable. Hell, I will probably believe anything you tell me now concerning various diseases, haha!
Concerning you dialogue in the first part, I found it convincing. Phone conversations are always fun because you don't get to handle facial expressions, but I think you conveyed the emotion towards the end conversation with Maury well. I think you also went the right amount of time before using your speaker tags and you didn't go overboard with the various types of tags you use.
-Ah, I see here you start tackling the character descriptions. I usually cringe endlessly when someone starts a third person description with the mirror motif, but I have to say that I didn't even realize you used it until you went into "Larisa wasn't dressed to kill..." which brought my attention to the fact that you handled the looking in the mirror motif very maturely. Not overkill at all-you focused it on one part of her body, the face, and didn't go into any more detail. So no cringing was needed! Also, concerning your larger descriptive paragraph about what she's wearing, I think you were just detailed enough with it too. No horrible "she was (insert exact height) and (weight)" crap. You gave me as a reader just enough to not get bored or think "yeah, I don't care", so well done.
Donovan's Steak and Chop House was an "in between" restaurant.
-I found this a unique setting because I would have never thought to describe a restaurant that way, but as soon as you went on with the description I thought, "ah, yeah, I know that place".
Maury's description was also perfect, since he's not the main focus for me, and Larisa is, I think you offered just the right amount so the reader can get a general idea without overkill.
"Here's what I found, Mrs. Hatfield," sliding the packet across the table.
-Edit: Didn't like the tag here because it was using "ing" verbs (ack, what are those called again? *fails grammar*) Anyway, would have preferred:
-"...what I found, Mrs. Hatfield," he said as he slid the packet across the table.
She's had patients nearly lose...
-Edit: slip into present tense, and I think you want past, so should be "[She'd] had patients nearly lose...", also it'll keep you parallel with the next few clauses of your sentence.
Most people are at least slightly shocked...
-Edit: should be "would" instead of "are" to keep you in past tense
Maury wasn't surprised that she wouldn't stay for dinner.
-Edit: omit "that" and maybe instead go, "...Maury wasn't surprised she didn't chose to stay for dinner."
They almost never do.
-Edit: "do" should be "did" to keep in past tense
Ginger was there when she opened the door...
-Eh, Ginger is a what? I didn't catch it...maybe mention. I totally thought she was a cat until I re-read the last paragraph and say "wagging her tail as always"-so I'm assuming dog now. But maybe consider being more direct with, "Larisa's dog Ginger was there..."
I feel that overall for part two there were a lot of slips into present tense, but you kept Larisa's voice consistent with the first part. I found her reaction to the news a little cold because you almost do a omniscient point of view shift into Maury, which I wasn't expecting. Having Maury narrate when Larisa is looking over the documents really shut her out as a narrator for that part, but I have to admit it at least made me much more interested to move on to the third part and find out what's really going through her head!
Larisa's expression didn't change at all while she did it.
-Edit: would omit "at all"-words like "at all" and "in fact" can be just useless filler words for most writers-even me, I have a hard time catching them some times. Usually they're not needed...at all! (couldn't help myself)
It took about forty-five seconds for her to bleed to death.
-O:... O: O: *recovers* HOLY CRAP! XD If you were at all making my attention wander (which you weren't) you have *definitley* pulled it back with that one! Phew! I did not even see that coming! ... O:
But eh, it seemed to happen so fast for me in this third part! I would have spent a little more time and care on the description. She seems so carefree and nonchalant to me when she's thinking about the various uses of the study and the orange. More description with the pain would have been nice, though definitley keep the last sentence with this part if you ever decide to go back for revisions, because that was quite snappy. But yes. More description requested around paragraph five and six :)
"You like that." Larisa's mouth uttered.
-Edit: comma instead of period after "that"
-One thing that I've always received advice about in creative writing classes is to limit one's choice of speaker tags. I think here is a good example where "said" could have been used. I hated it when my prof. told me to replace every single speaker tag in a story with "said" but I understand what he means by the tags being distracting some times too. Here I felt the sentence was heavier on "uttered" and my eyes and thoughts focused there. If you do revise, I would at least rid yourself of "mouth", but the rest is just a suggestion!
With part four, you definitley had me feeling the Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein" vibe!
James got home late.
-Edit: try to not use "got" as a verb, it's weak. Try replacing with "arrived"
His wife usually bought it, if she was even home yet.
-Nice way to make me *instantly* dislike him even more -_- Hahaha, he's going to get the shit scared out of him. This is going to be awe-some.
He then opened the hallway door and walked into it.
-Edit: would omit "into it" and perhaps replace "inside" *cringe* I know, I know, ending on a preposition there, but when I read it aloud it just sounds better.
Larisa stabbed him in the neck with a butcher knife on the other side.
-While this is really shocking and kick-ass because yay, GIRL POWER!...
-Edit: what does "on the other side" refer to? O.o It just is hanging there and it's unnecessary. Do you mean to maybe say that she was hiding behind the door and then when he shut it she leapt out of him all stealth like and stabs him in the neck? I think you could have a much cooler, direct, bold, in your face statement by leaving "on the other side" out of the sentence and maybe just adding something in a new paragraph beforehand about her position in relation to the setting space.
Her arms were clean.
-Great detail here.
"I don't know why you did it," Larisa began, "but thank you. You destroyed your wife, and now I can exist in her body. I'm free."
- O: This just keeps getting better and better! XD
"I was in Hell, James. Now Larisa is, and I am not."
- O_O O: Are there any more surprised emoticons?
Overall first chapter
Very cool. And I am nearing my character limit. So I will leave it at that. Enjoyable night read.
| Minty F chapter 23 . 5/31/2010
I'm going to start a count-down to keep myself motivated.
9 MORE CHAPTERS TO GO!
Oh goodie, impromptu home medical treatment. When Bud told Helen to get a hot knife ready... Cue shiver running down my spine. Sucks to be Dexter.
ZATAILAH. I wanna pinch her decomposed cheek! Yeah, her constant questions are annoying, but stupidly cute at the same time. I've got the solution to her curiosity: that website How Stuff Works. Though she'd probably spend days.. months on that thing. Or discover World of Warcraft and go on an endless PvP spree, slaughtering everyone on her server.
I liked the part where Zat took a 'sip' of Sarah's faith. Very descriptive and nicely put.
"And, in one motion, Zatailah willed an ebony spark into the construct that was Sarah's being." - I don't remember if this was explained later in the story, but.. I'm wondering wtf THAT was. Black almost always symbolizes evil (not being racist btw) so that ebony spark can't be good.
"Dark complexion" - now DON'T YELL AT ME AGAIN, but.. the inconsistency in which Dexter's skin tone is described makes me want to hurt you. God dammit.
"Why's the sky blue?" - lol, that's so Zatailah. *heart*
Ahh, they're all going to see Larisa? This is the part where I jump around in my seat and scream at the screen, telling them not to. What a waste of energy.
Zatailah's all dressed up like a gang member. Hey, if worse comes to worse and her odd appearance is discovered, she can always say she survived a rumble. Barely.. survived. She'd be fun to go out with on Halloween though, hehe.
Overall this was a good chappie but it probably had more errors than all the others.
He hadn't thought about how he'd tackling that problem yet.
She was tried
Trying to maintain her own faculties became difficult, that was an unpleasant side effect.
- replace comma with semicolon or period. Or shove an em dash in there.
It was if they were convinced that she was a human, she was supposed to be here.
- Triple whammy. 1) again, semicolon or period. 2) 'supposed to be there' instead of here. 3) it looks like you're missing an 'as' after 'It was' so it reads 'It was as if.'
Do not, repeat, DO NOT approach alone.
- now since this is the quote for the chapter, it bothers me a little bit more. I just think it should say 'I repeat' instead of only repeat. IDK why it bugs me, but it does. Maybe because I've never heard anyone say it that way?
as she did so
- four words that you kind of over-used in this chapter...
There were tons of tense changes in this chapter and LOTS of little typos I didn't bother to point out in Picky Time. When you go back to edit, have a good red pen with you. Other than that, g'job as usual.
9 MORE CHAPTERS THEN I'M FREE!
| Minty F chapter 22 . 5/20/2010
Alright, picking back up with this.
Ha, Dexter would relate this whole thing with poker. I like the comparison though. He knows he's gonna go down, but what the hell. He's gonna keep fighting anyway. (But it doesn't really.. FIT Dexter. I have the impression that he's kind of weak-minded and would surrender rather than keep fighting, since he has very poor self-esteem. I’d expect him to actually have little to no faith in himself. Then again, the guy does play a violent sport so maybe he does have some fight in him?)
More Zatailah cuteness. I swear, sometimes she's the only thing that keeps me coming back to this story. Not that everything else about your story is bad, it's just that Zat is a pretty spectacular character. As you already know.
This constant scene-flipping you've got going on is.. fun to read. It's kind of visual to me. Like I can imagine it being in some TV show. We've got Zatailah here raving about Dexter being this supreme gladiator. Meanwhile, Dexter is running for his life trying to avoid a girl. It's especially funny when Zat says he doesn't feel pain, then we cut to him with a bleeding and, quite painful, torso.
Oh man, serious LOL when Juliette jumped out of the window after Dexter. Gurl will stop at nothing to get her man. Frightening, yet amusing at the same time. After all the cat and mouse chasing the two have done around the hospital, it’s at this point I’m thinking, ‘crap, can it GET any more intense than this?’ And then I sit back hoping that it does, and then it does. That’s the thing with this story. Once things get bad they only get worse. (Well, worse for the characters. I’m guiltily enjoying every moment of their suffering.)
The bit about Phineas Gage was kind of random... Though educational I suppose? That’s one to Google for another day.
"He might as well have been trying to get a date in a lesbian bar." - badumtish!
"Medium complexion" - not to bring Dexter's ethnicity back into the spotlight, but really. With a description like that, how am I supposed to know he's part black! If you look at makeup, it comes in several shades. There's 'fair' for the pale, literally white people. And then usually medium follows right after that to cover people who have a light skin tone with more color. Just sayin, not my fault I thought he was white :P
Father Steven Cooney sounds like a good, non-creepy Catholic priest. Bet that social networking site he was reading about was Facebook.
So we finally get to see what Tyler does at church. This is actually quite scary. There's all this mysterious scratching going on that the priest can't see clearly, and he's stuck with this weird itchy guy in a small, close space. If I were him, I definitely woulda ran off to read that Facebook article instead.
"So cut me some slack, okay?" - lolz. What was up with Curiel in this chapter. The quiet, nerdy fallen angel became a total douchebag demon. Wonder what Tiffany would think of that. Actually, I know what she’d think. She’d love it. ‘Cause as much as girls adore the bookish, brainy guy we also really love the arrogant asshole. Sad truth.
Good chap. You write dark humor very well.
You used the word 'catastrophic' twice in a relatively short amount of time. Kind of takes the punch out of the word.
As she began shed the form of the damned, patiently waiting for the call.
- fragmented sentence with a missing word or two.
That's it. On to the next one.
| Minty F chapter 21 . 4/28/2010
I had a chuckle at this author's note. You, putting up Christmas lights? It's almost as odd as that image of you playing DDR. Almost.
When I first read this and thought Zatailah was having a go at Tydannoth, I was like, 'hoshit!' and cheered along with Mercedes.
Then I found out it was all a violent huggle. Wtf.
"…she's my…umm…best friend!" - seriously, Tydannoth? Juliette is your BFF. You can insult her and smack her around without fear of her destroying you. Not Zatailah, though. You're just saying that to cover yo ass. It's so obvious.
Ohh, another flashback. I love these. This is much better than getting some kind of long explanation from Ty or Zat.
"Oreiros was the first Reaper." mm, Oreos.
Poor Zatailah. Ostracized and hated by everyone. No wonder she latched onto Ty so eagerly (literally and figuratively). She was the first person to show her kindness. Even if it was just saying, 'hello.' I had similar experiences in school, being the outcast. People who were just normally friendly to me became the kind of people I wanted to be close friends with. Of course, I never did, but that's an entirely different story.
"Were you supposed to kiss at the end of the second date or the third?" - do men really think like that? I always thought they dove in on the first date and laid the girl ASAP.
If Zatailah's so murderous and insane, why didn't she kill the angels who ignored her and treated her so badly? I would think that instead of treating Zat like crap, the others would suck up to her like Ty. It's like when you're in grade school and there's a big mean bully everyone fears. An idiot gets on the bully's bad side. A genius gets on the good side.
Oh jeez, good going, Mercedes. Help the very people you despise. "There's some heartless bodies downstairs, right?" -smack-
"It was as if she was so desperate for a friend, she latched onto the first person who showed her anything resembling friendship." - did I call that or what? -self pats back-
This whole scene in the "Chop Shop" is giving me the creeps. I like how we got to see more of Carmelita though. Poor gurl.
Hehe, love Mercedes' sass towards Ty. Yeah, she's being pretty darn stubborn (reminds me of someone I know..) but the way she comes back at Ty and keeps denouncing her bullshit - it's a pleasure to read.
The chapter should've ended with the, "Allow what?" line. Not only because it's an excellent cliff hanger, but also.. man, this chapter's length is killing me. I know, I know. You get this all the time. But srsly, I wanted to go to bed like over an hour ago but I'm still not finished. See, reviewing your story ain't as easy as you think! Sure I could speed through and give you a short, half-assed review, but I'm too nice to do that. You, sir, so owe me when it's your turn to review me.
Okay.. where am I at. Ohh, Juliette's starting her plan and Ty's freaking out. I should probably point out that the cadaver sat up twice. Might wanna fix that.
Ah great. Dexter's date just got worse. Have to say though, this fight with Juliette is hardcore. I cringed when he broke her nose. OUCH. She is, most definitely, certifiably insane. Last I heard, punching a guy and then chasing him with a knife isn't a good way to woo him.
So, great chapter. Not a dull moment at all. I've already complained about the length, so no need to bring it up here again :)
(But mann.. this took forever to read and review. Forever.)
While she was thinking, Zatailah again began nuzzling against her body again
- take out one of those 'again's
The faster she could finish, the more time she could be spend watching it inherit its world.
- be spending, or (in my opinion) taking out the 'be' is better. If you can get your point across using fewer words, that's always better.
Is the Lifegiver feigning kindness to give here an even deeper insult?
Yay, now I can hit the sack. I think my valiant effort tonight should definitely be rewarded. (hinthint)
| Minty F chapter 20 . 4/25/2010
I don't know if it's just natural or a result of all the sugar I've consumed, but every time Carlos is mentioned in this chapter I think of Carlos Mencia. Which is annoying, but funny. I half-expect Carlos to crack a joke about Mexicans, face accusations of stealing said joke, then be beaten to death by an arrogant black rapper. Then Tydannoth snatches up the rapper and makes him a warrior, like Juliette, but in the end she can't stand him so she squashes one of his nerve thingies and buries him in the backyard.
Anyway, back to the actual story.
"She had never looked into a mirror while showing her true self, but she had to be transforming. And that couldn't be good." - ya THINK, Ty? You look like a raging monster now. Perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to carry a small compact with you and take a looksie yourself.
Oh, there's a mention of Dave. I must have forgotten this bit.
Jessica's story kind of interrupts the flow of things. We've finally gotten to the hospital and our core four characters have entered. Then... we get Jessica's back-story. I will say though, I liked reading about her problem and her experience with Ty. I love character-driven stories and getting to know everyone, so this interjection didn't bother me. It might annoy some other people, though.
On the smoking thing, well.. it's an addiction to nicotine. So even if a smoker does wanna quit, it's not like they can just drop it cold turkey. Rarely people can do that. Most smokers can't, and many never manage to quit. My dad's a great example. Time and time again he quits, only to start up again a short while later. And usually it's due to stress, so you're right on that point. I'm just kind of amazed that Jessica used to smoke so much and then.. quit like that.
What IS that... thing in Ty's study? If my memory serves correctly (my brain is now shutting down after the sugar rush) we never find out in this story. It's irritating me, but in that good sort of way. Just don't make me guess what the thing is. I'll come up with some embarrassing answers, no doubt.
That scene with Ty scolding the two for smoking - LOL. Ty was such an angry mom. And the two followers were the guilty children. And just like naughty children they immediately started smoking again after she left. Haha. I always liked that scene.
What's this... Ty is yearning for some real *love* ? Sorry, but I cannot imagine her in a healthy relationship with someone. The moment the guy leaves the toilet seat up - BAM - another grave in the backyard.
"He wasn't bad looking. Not. At. All. This guy must be built like a tank, the way he fit into those clothes. He had a big cut over his eye…but his body? Lovely. Just lovely." - this... I have no words. Let's just say my ass seems to be missing. I must've laughed it off.
Excellent cliff hanger there. I remember when I first read this, I couldn't get to the next chapter fast enough. G'job.
It was the second station they've visited today.
- they'd instead of they've
It turns out that they've all been around for a while
- again, this should be in past tense. I seem to remember saying in one review that I'd stop pointing out these tense changes, but... yeah. Couldn't help it. This chapter in particular suffers from a lot of tense changes.
Juliette took a moment to breath in the fresh air
"Yes?" the woman in scrubs replied?
- what's that question mark doing there at the end?
How could even break her rules
Alright, onto the next one. I'll need moar sugah tho.
| Minty F chapter 19 . 4/13/2010
Okay, so it's 3am, I'm hot and tired and haven't reviewed in over a week. So forgive me if this review turns out like crap. End of disclaimer.
"Sigh." - perhaps Sarah is more like you than Dexter, eh? -chuckle-
I keep thinking it's nice of Ty to give Curiel a few days to get his stuff together before she destroys him. So he can get his will written down, say his last farewells, maybe make a move on Tiffany while he still can, etc.
"Well, you're dead, she quickly answered. Can I have your stuff?" - haha, Astariel. I still hate you tho, gurl.
I think I understand her job now. When I first read Hell, I honestly didn't know what Astariel's purpose was. Now that I've paid a little more attention, (and listened to you a bit) I see that she's one of those Muse thingies, like from Greek mythology? That explains how much inspiring she does - with Curiel and then Dexter towards the end. I think, if I search around my fuzzy memory, I remember that Astariel's kind - the syssamaru or something - were understanding of human emotions like love. Which might explain her weird butterfly scene with Dex. Er, right? Or maybe I made that up.
It's kind of funny how all the escaped demons end up in San Diego. I mean, I know it's convenient for you since you live there, but wouldn't it be funny if they all showed up in Los Angeles? Besides the irony of demons living in the City of Angels, it'd be a hoot to see Tyler at a Dodgers or Anaheim Angels game (he'd never have to go to confession ever again, I tell ya that). Tydannoth could be neighbors with Snoop Dogg and Juliette would have lots of muggers/pervs/druggies/murderers to haul back home for a "second chance." Oh boy, my imagination is on fiyah.
This is something I thought of the other day - not of any importance, really, but I'll mention it anyway. What if... you're a female demon, and you get stuck in a male human's body? Could that happen? Have all the demons in this story been lucky enough to land in their right gender, or is it impossible to get the wrong one? 'Cause I think I'd rather go back to hell if I were trapped in a man's body. No offense or anything - I just quite enjoy being a girl.
This raises more unimportant questions... does Ty have to deal with a mensie cycle now that she's human? Does Curiel have to 'charm the snake' once in a while so he doesn't get all backed up and frustrated? And what if two demonic humans had a baby? Would it be a DEMON BABY? The horror D:
The last scene between Tyler and Tiffany brought out another 'aw' from me.
"No matter what, if he lost her, he wouldn't be able to live with himself." and "But you had better come back, Tyler. I don't know what I'd do without you."
It's so touching. Especially considering what eventually happens... gah, don't make me cry, dammit. DON'T MAKE ME CRY.
"You two were friends. Do you intend to get involved?
- missing quotation marks at the end.
Really good chapter, and although i never complained about teh length before, im glad this one didnt turn out as long as last one. -phew-
its now 4am. Yeah, i spent an hour readign and reviewing. wtf. i needs sleep im soo tired so so tiredd -massive yawn0 GNIGHT.
| Minty F chapter 18 . 4/4/2010
So, three people from rooms in the same hallway all die on the same night... I wonder if the hospital finds that suspicious. After all, ever since Juliette awakened from her coma, strange things have been happening around there...
I'm interested in the one person who refused Tydannoth's offer. Since Ty didn't kill him, that means he's a witness, right? Besides that, I'm curious as to why he would refuse. Perhaps he had enough common sense to realize that a four-armed woman with black-veined wings can't be good.
Ty ruthlessly murders people, yet finds it unacceptable to block traffic for a minute? She really makes me laff :D
I love this flashback to Ty's time as the village healer. Yeah yeah, I keep mentioning InuYasha, but she's so channeling Kikyo in the italicized parts. That selfless, mysterious thing she had going on - it just reminds me of that silly manga/anime character.
omg.. and Lajuti is like a little Kaede! If she has an eye-patch over her right eye... I shall be amazed.
"Leah, do you believe in angels?" - that's the million dollar question. Made me shiver a little.
"Ever thus to deadbeats, Lebowski!" -snicker- Not on the rug, man.
I know what I said about Carlos in my last review, but... if Carlos ends up cut from the story, I don't know how you'll be able to realistically include this scene. It's actually an important piece of foreshadowing. But, eh, I know you'll easily find a way around this.
"Dexter had a special talent: he could find a fault with anything." - I dunno if I'd consider pessimism a special talent. More like a curse. I mean look at what it's done to the poor guy. He can't go out and meet up with a (relatively) normal gurl without absolutely freaking out :\
Glad Sarah decided against the red top - first, because I honestly can't imagine a red shirt looking good on a pale redheaded girl. She most likely has pink undertones so the red would bring that out in her skin and make her look like a walking strawberry. (Just like how I know not to wear yellow 'cause it'll bring out the yellow in my skin :P)
Also, it would really not be cute if both Sarah and Dexter matched. But the matching-couples thing never appealed to me anyway.
I'm a little confused - I thought Tiffany's gift didn't work when she asked herself questions? But it says here that that's how she gets her homework done.
It honestly seems very odd, and very foolish for Sarah and Dexter to get into a total stranger's car and trust them with their lives. I would have expected more protest from Tiffany, considering she knows something is up with Sarah. And Dexter doesn't appear to be the most open, trusting guy so seeing him casually go along with this is also weird. I know Zatailah is urging Sarah and all, but the other characters don't know it, and the end of this chapter feels rushed. If I were the editor, I'd go back over this last part and advise you to make it more realistic.
Whew, this chapter was a biggie. Lots of scene flips but they were all pretty necessary, so no real complaints here. And no PICKY TIME, either :)
Must say, I'm enjoying the character's interactions with each other. Worth noting is the tension between Juliette and Mercedes and Ty and Curiel. Can't wait for those two pairs of peeps to start battling it out. Looks like all the threads are starting to come together here and I look forward to seeing the finished fabric.