Reviews for A Hell of a Town
Minty F chapter 18 . 4/4/2010
So, three people from rooms in the same hallway all die on the same night... I wonder if the hospital finds that suspicious. After all, ever since Juliette awakened from her coma, strange things have been happening around there...

I'm interested in the one person who refused Tydannoth's offer. Since Ty didn't kill him, that means he's a witness, right? Besides that, I'm curious as to why he would refuse. Perhaps he had enough common sense to realize that a four-armed woman with black-veined wings can't be good.

Ty ruthlessly murders people, yet finds it unacceptable to block traffic for a minute? She really makes me laff :D

I love this flashback to Ty's time as the village healer. Yeah yeah, I keep mentioning InuYasha, but she's so channeling Kikyo in the italicized parts. That selfless, mysterious thing she had going on - it just reminds me of that silly manga/anime character.

omg.. and Lajuti is like a little Kaede! If she has an eye-patch over her right eye... I shall be amazed.

"Leah, do you believe in angels?" - that's the million dollar question. Made me shiver a little.

"Ever thus to deadbeats, Lebowski!" -snicker- Not on the rug, man.

I know what I said about Carlos in my last review, but... if Carlos ends up cut from the story, I don't know how you'll be able to realistically include this scene. It's actually an important piece of foreshadowing. But, eh, I know you'll easily find a way around this.

"Dexter had a special talent: he could find a fault with anything." - I dunno if I'd consider pessimism a special talent. More like a curse. I mean look at what it's done to the poor guy. He can't go out and meet up with a (relatively) normal gurl without absolutely freaking out :\

Glad Sarah decided against the red top - first, because I honestly can't imagine a red shirt looking good on a pale redheaded girl. She most likely has pink undertones so the red would bring that out in her skin and make her look like a walking strawberry. (Just like how I know not to wear yellow 'cause it'll bring out the yellow in my skin :P)

Also, it would really not be cute if both Sarah and Dexter matched. But the matching-couples thing never appealed to me anyway.

I'm a little confused - I thought Tiffany's gift didn't work when she asked herself questions? But it says here that that's how she gets her homework done.

It honestly seems very odd, and very foolish for Sarah and Dexter to get into a total stranger's car and trust them with their lives. I would have expected more protest from Tiffany, considering she knows something is up with Sarah. And Dexter doesn't appear to be the most open, trusting guy so seeing him casually go along with this is also weird. I know Zatailah is urging Sarah and all, but the other characters don't know it, and the end of this chapter feels rushed. If I were the editor, I'd go back over this last part and advise you to make it more realistic.

Whew, this chapter was a biggie. Lots of scene flips but they were all pretty necessary, so no real complaints here. And no PICKY TIME, either :)

Must say, I'm enjoying the character's interactions with each other. Worth noting is the tension between Juliette and Mercedes and Ty and Curiel. Can't wait for those two pairs of peeps to start battling it out. Looks like all the threads are starting to come together here and I look forward to seeing the finished fabric.

Minty F chapter 17 . 3/31/2010
Hm, maybe cutting Carlos from the story isn't a bad idea. I mean he's cool and all, and provides some interesting perspective, but pales in comparison to the other characters. Juliette, Mercedes, Tiffany - I like reading about them. They're strong characters with solid personalities. Carlos? Ehh. The story wouldn't hurt very much without him, though it'd be a loss for Team Testosterone.

Doth my eyes deceive me.. Juliette having DOUBTS? For a second there I'd thought she'd seen the light, or at least gained some common sense. I mean come on, Julie. You have a GUN and you're SHOOTING targets with the intent to KILL. What kind of angel would want you to practice POPPING CAPS IN PEOPLE.

"No. I am not wrong." -sigh- She'll never learn.

I know I keep asking how old everyone is, but I'mma do it again. How old is Larisa? My guess is early thirties?

"I am sorry" - if this line were part of some kind of Hell of a Town drinking game, I'd probably have liver disease by the epilogue. But because it's Zatailah, I wouldn't mind :D

She's displaying so much cuteness in this chapter. I giggled at her crushin' on Dexter. And I like how you got that across to the readers without blatantly telling us. Ooh, and then there's this line:

"Externally, Zatailah didn't blush. But Sarah definitely could feel it; if the demon could blush, she would." - AWW. If only she were real. I would totally tease her and pinch her cheeks! Dexter and Zatailah sittin in a tree...!

"Dexter had a peculiar habit, a condition that seemed to be unique to bachelors. He never bothered to put his clothes away after washing them." - I do that all the time. (Well, when I do eventually get the laundry done.) Who needs closets and drawers anyway. The Clean Pile and Dirty Pile are so much easier to work with!

Speaking of Dex, he's also being really cute. Any man who goes through the effort of finding a nice shirt for a date AND ironing it is a true gem. I wouldn't mind him being real either, if you know what I mean.

Though he could use a tune-up on his self-esteem. Listen to me Dexter: You are not ugly, you are not a low-life, and you are interesting. Now stop being emo and ENJOY YOUR LIFE. (Wish someone had said these exact words to me long ago.)

But he does have a point. Poker is no good. -prefers Blackjack-

Also worth noting: chicks dig scars. So wear it proudly, my friend. And make the story of how you got it EPIC.

Alright, so good chapter. Kind of dizzying how it flips from Carlos and Juliette, to Tydannoth, to Sarah and Zat, and then to Dexter. I think I'm okay now, tho. All the Zat and Dex adorableness kind of made up for it. They need a cutesy couple name... Zextailer? Dataxer? Er... I'll come up something later.


As a result, the other administrators and staff was starting to notice

- were starting to notice

Daxtailerah! -gives up-

Minty F chapter 16 . 3/30/2010
Forgive me if I'm asking questions that are answered later in the story (I don't quite remember everything) but, how exactly did Tyler meet Tiffany? And how old is Tyler? (Not Curiel; he's older than dirt, I know)

"Simply getting to be around and converse with Tyler was reason enough to get up in the morning" - aww. That's love!

"You don't know a single thing about me, Tiffany. I know you're just trying to be a friend, but I have too much on my mind right now to be bothered." - okay, ouch. Someone's being a bit hormonal. Tyler, you have to get out of here. Your VAGINA is HAUNTED.

"Distracted enough not talk to me, but still able to muster the attention span to check the standings in the NL West." - whoo, burn. Good one Tiff. They sound like a couple already :D

The two really are a good match. They both have that dry, sarcastic humor they can use to play off one another and they learn things from each other. They're so.. equal. And a know-it-all like Curiel really needs a girl like Tiffany to put him in his place one in a while. Though I have to wonder how a demon/human relationship would work.. if it even could in the first place.

I like how Curiel did the Confession. Ty had to give a speech and presentation; Curiel simply asked questions and Tiffany did all the work. Sweet.

Ok, I need to take a moment to understand the classes of angels. So there's kammaru, vikalu, tessavu, sysammaru, and nulkaru. Curiel is kammaru, Ty is vikalu, Zat is nulkaru, and I think Astariel is sysammaru? I just don't remember what a tessavu is. I remember Ty saying that she wished she had one to help move the dirt when she was burying James. Was Ka-Salim a tessavu? (That was his name, right? Ka-Salim? Don't get mad at me if it isn't! It's a weirdly-spelled name and I'm American, okay.)

This is all *slightly* confusing, but that's to be expected.

On an unrelated note, whenever I see 'sysammaru' an image of Sesshomaru comes to mind. Y'know, that character from InuYasha? Heyy, that's the second tie to InuYasha I've found so far. Huh.

Truu that - 'creeped' is not a word. But it sounds very odd to say, "Wow, that alien crept me out" - so that's one word I let slide. I appreciate Cur's nitpickiness though. Makes me feel not quite so alone.

Dentists are scary, man. I went to the dentist and the orthodontist this month and.. yeah. It's so hard NOT to be freaked out by that miniature captain's hook thing they use to rape your gums. And I was more than a little apprehensive when my ortho wedged an emery board between my teeth to file them away. I shudder at how easily he coulda given me a gap tooth.

Ahem. Moving on.

"As for Carlos, he was happy. That little brat had been stuck in his craw for way too long. He now had one less thing to worry about." - as cruel as that sounds, it's raw honesty, and terrific insight into Carlos' character. He wasn't personally connected to the girl - he didn't even know her - but her case kept bugging him and so he didn't give a rat's derriere about her. This shows us how detached Carlos has become as a detective. He's seen it all before; now he's practically desensitized. Kinda sad. But makes Carlos interesting.

That monologue in the beginning - about how most police start out wanting to help people and make a difference - I'll bet that's how he started out. And now he's reduced to barely giving a sh!t anymore. Again, kinda sad.

"I'll kill you, I'll track down your whole family, and I'll kill them too." - if the last chapter didn't make it clear enough, I think this line did. Ty has officially lost the few marbles she had left.

Her delivery of that line was kinda funny though. Touch the petal of one of her flowers and you're fucked.

"This lady was right." - byebye Carlos. Another fly caught in Ty's web.

So, I enjoyed this chapter, as usual. The Tiffany/Tyler interaction was fun to read. I wonder how his Confession will change their relationship.. Speaking of which, we should see more of that ;)

Ah, and then there's Ty's new slave Carlos. I had hope for him. He seemed like a cold, no-bullshitting-around kinda guy. All it took was a few paragraphs of heart-to-heart 'I understand you' dialogue to get him eatin' outta the palm of the demon's hand.


He'd seen his size, his wings, and heard his voice.

- SHE'D seen. (Unless.. Tiffany's really a boi?)

The person in front of her was either very bad at English or not Dr. Larisa Hatfield.

- The person in front of *him*. You remind me of my mom, always using the wrong words when referring to gender. -giggle- Only, you aren't a short, middle-aged Asian woman who learned English as a third language, so it's less cute when you do it.

All right, next chapter.

Minty F chapter 15 . 3/28/2010
Tydannoth is such a tease. She asks the guy if he wants to live or die - and he answers, thinking she'll actually, you know, obey his decision. But noo, she has a change of heart and just kills him. Wtf was up with that.

Had Curiel not been mentioned and pissed Ty off, perhaps Coby could have lived? Maybe he was the victim of bad timing? Or maybe Ty's just a psychotic b!tch who needs some more soul food.

Her appearance seems to have worsened, too. Ram horns? That can't be good.

Juliette and Ty really are a Dynamic Duo. They're total BFFs - one has their doubts, the other reassures them. One has second thoughts, the other reinforces their mission. Next thing ya know they'll be holding sleepovers and watching episodes of Gossip Girl whilst sharing their secret crushes.

And you know you have a good friend when they're right there next to you in the middle of the night, helping you dig a hole to hide a body.

Tydannoth could destroy an entire continent and Juliette would still be standing by her, holding a shovel, ready to dig. You have to admire that kind of fierce loyalty.

(Hey, Ty and Juliette are kinda like us, huh? Dibs on Ty. You can be the crazy ass Juliette.)

Ah, Sarah's home life. Interesting to find out she's adopted, but why can't she call her adopted mother 'Mom'? I'd think a parent of an adopted child would want that sort of thing, to know that their child feels close enough to call them a familial term, but eh. Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks? She is French, so that may explain it.

Now this part - Sarah's second story - is one of my favorite parts of Hell. ESPECIALLY since it's our first real introduction to Zatailah. I swear I love that stupidly adorable demon way too much.

"I was talking to someone who moved impossibly fast. Her skin color was definitely not natural." - lol, sorry but I totally thought of Edward Cullen there.

This was weird to read since it's in first person POV while your story is in third. I appreciated the POV shift though. Really puts us in Sarah's dream. I think the story sequence made this chapter feel shorter than it was, 'cause I found it a quicker read than the previous chapters.


The thing in front of her looked like a vile, diseased woman.

- in front of him (unless Coby's really a gurl?)

I know this review was short compared to my others, but there wasn't all that much going on in this chapter so not much to comment on. Knowing how the rest of the story turns out though... that will change.


Minty F chapter 14 . 3/26/2010
You know, I'm starting to think you're right. Dexter sounds a lot like you. Especially with the social issues, with which I can relate. Though I'm also wondering how he managed to get friends. Just joining a rugby team did the trick? If so, I might want to look into that.

Ah, and here we meet Sylvia. Sure, she's "strong" and "fearless" like you said, but she's also pretty damn creepy. And really Dexter, who needs this tramp Sylvia when you've got Sarah? I mean, never mind that Sarah has a reaper living inside her.. she's cute and has a great sense of humour :D

Anyway, you said in your reply that Sylvia is "wish fulfillment." So you want a girl like her, eh? Shall I take notes? *jots down emo blonde hair, short skirts, mysterious bigass briefcase, and creepy butterfly metaphors*

I agree though, falling out of love has to be one of the worst things a person can experience. Not sure if it's on par with a wingless insect, but it's pretty bad. On that front, okay, I can agree with Sylvia. This whole dialogue between her and Dexter is.. strange. And I have a feeling there's a WHOLE LOT more to Sylvia that may help in explaining her weirdness. I shall lightly pick your brain for spoilers later.

A man tries to mess with a young blonde Caucasian woman jogging through a seemingly safe path in San Diego. This sounds familiar.

Too bad this woman is JULIETTE. The squirrel-sh!t-crazy self-healing warrior slave to a DEMON.

I almost have to laugh at this guy's bad luck. Out of all the young white women in California, he picked the one that could take a deep stab to the stomach AND come back to beat your ass. This is a rare moment for me, but.. go Juliette!

One paragraph later, I'm back to hating Juliette. The guy should of like, cut off her hand. I wonder if she'd grow a new one.. like a lizard or something...

So Ty used to be really good - a TRUE angel, it seems. That was a tough situation she was in. On the one hand, she shouldn't be helping the ones going against God. But on the other.. isn't helping people always the right thing to do? It reminds me of those rare stories from WWII, where soldiers from opposite sides of the battlefield would help each other out. When it comes down to it, no matter what side of an argument we're on, we're still humans (or, angels in this case) and should never lose sight of that. There shouldn't even be killing in the first place but, oh well, it happens. Even in Heaven apparently.

Why am I getting a Kikyo vibe from Tydannoth? Y'know, that undead priestess off that anime/manga InuYasha? Yeah, the unemotional-ness combined with selflessness she (Ty) displays on the battlefield SO reminds me of Kikyo. And damn, I never really did like Kikyo.

I'm a girl, so give me this moment to gush.

The romance between Ty and Kas-Salim is so sweet. *heart* I'm a sucker for the 'opposites attract' thing - it's probably my second favourite romance-type to read. (First being love/hate relationships.) Maybe you CAN write romance, eh?

Perhaps a tragic romance if you're not into that fluffy, mushy-gushy stuff. After all, Ty and Kas-Salim's love story is pretty sad. I think I felt a tug on one of my heartstrings. So.. I guess instead of going to hell, Kas-Salim was Unmade?

"Curiel, The Liar." - this is the part where I go 'oh sh!t' and 'yeah, the plot just got a WHOLE lot more interesting.'

Another long chapter, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. The ball is definitely rolling now and picking up speed. :)


Coby seriously considered swinging his arms to break the hold, than making a break for it.

- 'then' instead of 'than'

She did was she was told.

- typo!

She did her best to save all she could, to make sure none of humans she loved would carried away by the nulkaru.

- some words missing from that sentence.

Ass she looked up, she saw the door open and Juliette slowly back into the house

- something tells me there's an extra S in that first word.

"Oh, this guy? He mugged me and stabbed me in the chest."

- actually you said he stabbed her in the belly: "Coby stabbed Juliette in her belly."

Alright, that's it. Peace out.

Minty F chapter 13 . 3/24/2010
Huh, I just woke up so I can really empathize with Larisa. In fact I'm still a little out of it, so if this review lacks my usual wit and charm and is missing words here and there, you'll know why.

However, I gots mahself a glass of chocolate milk to help with wakin up, rather than coffee. I've always believed that coffee is another force of evil. Really. Tydannoth's coffee addiction strikes a chord with me 'cause my dad is the same way. He drinks WAY too much, making pots of it at all times of day and finishing them off all by himself. Yet despite all my efforts to get it through his skull that having a pot of coffee at 1 AM on a regular basis can't be good for him, he refuses.

I'd argue that alcohol is actually better than coffee, but the fact that it impaired my dad's judgment and made his brain think that staying out till the morning light without notifying his daughters was a good idea - um, yeah. I'll stick with my flavoured milk, thnx.

"Once she was done with her toy upstairs, this would be her new project. Humanity really needs a faster coffeemaker." - that earned her more evil points.

It's about time we heard about the effect of James' disappearance. I'm kind of surprised no one bothered to stop by the house and see if he was okay. Or maybe they did, and you just didn't include it in the story?

"So, after a little digging, she'd brutalized James' corpse with a sledgehammer for a while." - more evil points. And maybe some evil points for me too, because I kind of chuckled at that. The thought of Ty, this supposedly good angel, trying to cover up a murder like one of those dumbasses on crime TV shows is just funny to me.

Though I think we've established that Ty is a dumbass, so she fits right in.

"Is the world a better place without me in it?" - dumbass points. See?

That dialogue with Juliette was weird. Not the bad weird but the good weird. The kind of weird that makes me think. Does Ty ACTUALLY have second thoughts about this whole thing? I mean, she should, considering she nearly killed Mercedes simply because the girl was curious. Really interesting though... another layer to add to Ty's villainous personality. I like it.

Poor Mercedes. I cringed when she brought the razor up to her eyes. Blinding yourself that way can't feel very pleasant. But after all the pain she's endured from Tydannoth maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. Glad she didn't take the easy way out and end her life. She's brave, and adds so much to this story, and I'm sure she'll find another way to use that razor in her pocket. And not on herself, either ;)

"Hello, ma'am. This is Detective Carlos Martinez with SDPD's Missing Persons Unit." - oh sh!t

Call me naive, but I don't quite get the 'Roman gladiator' part. Is it really as simple as it sounds, or is it another one of those innuendos I'm infamous for having NO CLUE about? ('the shocker' comes to mind, and I'm working hard to get it back out)

lol at Sarah torturing Tiffany. I'd do the same thing. I am actually surprised that she doesn't know what a snuff film is. She seems to be quite educated in the ways of men. If only she'd apply herself to other, more important, things :P

Do you have any drawings of the Marks the followers have? Your descriptions are pretty excellent, but I'd be interested in seeing the real deal.

Again, poor Mercedes. Though I rather enjoyed reading bout her encounter with the three of them. I particularly like when your characters' fates start to intertwine and they eventually meet - like Juliette and Dexter's meeting, and Ty and Zatailah. Makes this hell of a town seem so much smaller and cozier.

Ok, I hate to disappoint, but there is no Picky Time. But perhaps one thing I can nitpick about is the fact that I haven't gotten my reply from you yet. Unless you're writing me a manifesto (in which case, I'd be flattered), it shouldn't take this long, should it? :)

I knoww I didn't give you a lengthy response last time, but I figured you didn't want one! I've learnt my lesson! I swear! *teary eyes*

As always, see ya tomorrow.

Hera Amour chapter 12 . 3/23/2010
Turns out this is the chapter I reviewed long ago, so I can't leave another signed review. Thank goodness for the anon feature ;D

Wait... is this trainer Dave the same Dave from the rugby match? Holy crow I never made that connection.. I suppose it's not that important though. Or at least, I hope it isn't?

Even though Ty isn't the good guy in all of this, I sympathize with her heartbreak. Antagonist or protagonist, having your heart spliced is never a pleasant feeling. I wanna hug her, but the hug would be very short with not much pressure. Then I would break away to flee for my life.

But yeah. Showing Ty's almost "human" side makes her more of a rounded character. Unlike all those villains we can easily hate the guts out of. That's just a personal preference of mine. I like my villains to have depth, to be a rebel WITH a cause.

And I'm pleased to say that an image of Sarah Palin does not pop in my head whenever I read about Ty/Larisa. Probably 'cause Ty actually displays a modicum of intelligence.

lol, looks like it's Mercedes' turn to annoy Larisa. This is fun to read. It's also extremely useful. Mercedes is asking a lot of basic questions we would all probably ask Ty if given the chance - "what's Heaven like?" and "how old is the Earth?" - I'm glad you put a religious character into the mix. It allows us to see how such a person would react around Tydannoth in sharp contrast to how a psycho like Juliette would.

"Hell? HELL? What, in your infinitesimally puny head, makes you believe that you know ANYTHING about Hell?" - oh sh!t

Must say, Mercedes is doing a helluva job holding her own against the raging demon. I never really gave Mercedes much credit before, but props to her. Major props. She's firm in her convictions and badass in her own quiet way. Easily another one of my favourite characters. Hell, I love all the characters. (Except Astariel - hate that b!tch.)


- totally thought of Bill O'Reilly right there.

And so begins Mercedes' enslavement. At this point the story is on fiyah and if I didn't have other stuff to do at the moment, I'd want to continue on. Kay, so overall this chapter rocked. It's another of my favourites (I seem to have a lot of favs, it seems) and seeing scary Tydannoth is enough fuel for many nightmares. Possibly some of my own.


It read '7:18'.

- the single quotation marks aren't needed.

When they are alone, they usually don't form any, unless someone forced an issue upon them.

- another past/present tense error. 'Forced' should be 'forces.' While I'm here, might as well note that I like that sentence and agree with it.

Mercedes has to take the bus from Mt. Soledad to the University Town Center area where Larisa lived.

- 'had' not 'has.' Tense changes seem to be your weakness (and I understand as a fellow writer - I mess up a lot, too) so I'm just not going to point these out anymore. I'll leave it up to you to find and exterminate them.

On the flip side from yesterday's review, you also use the word 'unfortunately' a handful of times to begin a sentence. Pretty sure I counted three times in this chapter. Again, not saying this is bad (hey, it's nothing compared to Stephenie Meyer and her love-affair with 'chagrin') but something you might want to look at.

Till next time.

Minty F chapter 11 . 3/22/2010
Pfft, Dexter's got two chicks by his side. What more excuse does he need to not go drinking with the guys?

I'm wondering how old Dexter is. At least 21, of course, but hopefully not too much older than that. After all, Tiffany and Sarah are only 19. (Which I find hard to believe 'cause I always imagined them as older.)

Great place to put a bit of Tyler's backstory. Aside from Zatailah he's also a fav character of mine.

Ooh, Sarah is a bit demanding, isn't she? Lucky Dex is such a gentleman. And he's taking her to a REAL Mexican restaurant? Not Taco Bell? He's a keeper.

"Yup. That's how you know it's good. It means that they're authentic."

- I retract my previous statement. That's gross, man.

But I like this scene between him and Sarah. Seeing him start to open up and admit some things that were painful in his past is nice. Sadly I can relate, and that makes me like Dexter more. I still feel like I hardly know the guy though. He needs more screen time and 'deep moments' like this.

Aha, figures Sarah would want to be a journalist. Those types are always so *curious* and ask so many questions. And something tells me this fictional story of hers isn't quite as fictional as she thinks.

"Well, it's not too long." - lie

I really liked the story part, though. It was the most interesting part of the entire chapter, and (like the first time I read it) I read it pretty fast. And wanted more when I was done. Zatailah is already fascinating and we haven't even officially met her yet O:

Hooray for weapon shopping at Home Depot! Though I'll admit, had Sarah purchased a chainsaw or weedwhacker, that woulda been hardcore. Not very portable or easy to fit into a purse, but still awesome.


You came and see some guy biting her neck

- 'come' instead of 'came' since this whole paragraph is in present tense.

Turning to Tiffany, he asked his question."

- those quotation marks at the end don't belong there.

I also noticed you start a good amount of sentences with the word 'fortunately.' I think three times in the last chapter and three in this one. Not a big deal; Just an observation.

AHH FINALLY DONE! As much as I luv your story I gotta get to writing my own and go to bed, man.

See ya tomorra.

Minty F chapter 10 . 3/22/2010
Hmm, although Tiffany is into Cosmo crap, she seems quite smart. Though her intelligence can be mostly attributed to her Gift, I suppose. Anyway, can't she just ask someone else to ask her, "How did Sarah Adams survive the attack?" (that's her last name, right?)

"He looked about as threatening to as a kitten to most of the other players, yet somehow the little shrimp managed to tackle somebody every now and then."

- as a fellow little person, this offends me. You tall people are so mean.

Now normally I'd object to a chapter chock-full of sports action, but I'm pleased with the way this was handled. You didn't give us a boring play-by-play and kept switching perspectives from Dexter to Sarah and Tiffany to keep it interesting. In a way, it's a good thing that you were so detailed when describing this match. It makes it feel more authentic, like I know this author knows what he's talking about and didn't copy/paste off Wikipedia or something.

I'm also insanely glad Dexter plays rugby and that this sport is interesting to read about. One book I read had a chapter dedicated to a character's swimming match. Not that I have anything against swimming- I luv that silly bong-smokin Michael Phelps- but reading about people swimming back and forth for multiple pages should be torture enforced at Guantanamo.

Admittedly, I don't know much about rugby, but I did feel a bit of excitement as I read this. Even though I didn't understand half of the terms used and sometimes had NO IDEA what was happening, I wanted Dexter's team to win. And I'm glad they did, if only to make poor Dexter's eye gash worth it in the end.

"Tom was a nice guy, although Dexter didn't know him too well."

- nice author cameo, and props for not misspelling it again with that extra M.

Aww at the hand-holding. I sense a strong Zatailah presence in this chap, and can't wait for her debut. (She's my fav character.)


Dexter heard the referee's whistle, breaking up his teams his team's last-minute discussion

- one too many 'his teams' in there

Seems as the chapters go by, I have less things to nitpick over. Maybe by story's end Picky Time will cease to be :)

Minty F chapter 9 . 3/19/2010
Ah, with great reluctance I'm taking a break from my own writing to review yours. But the fact that this is one of my favourite chapters does help a bit.

When Ty pulled over on the side of the road, I was like *oh shit!* Even though she didn't bitch slap Juliette or anything, that part still makes me shift in my seat. Ty scared me so bad the first time I read this and she still does now. (Though you know how easy I scare so that's not saying much.)

Oh boy, Juliette. She's the true definition of a lemming now. Reminds me of those mindless followers of certain religions and political parties. Juliette an interesting Nancy Pelosi/Sugar Ray Leonard combination with a dash of Hezbollah.

Larisa was quick with her reply. "Hell no."

- I laffed at her use of informal language. Also the part where she says, "That sucks." Not quite the type of language I'd expect from an *angel*. It appears Earth has already corrupted her. Not that Hell didn't or anything, but only on Earth can you find so many slang terms we need an entirely new dictionary to record them all. I half expect Larisa to be all like, "Ay guh, you can tap Dave, but if he gives you an angry dragon you bettah superman dat ho."

I find it strange that Mercedes wasn't wearing protective eye gear for that lab experiment. Heck, in school they made us wear goggles for cutting peanuts with plastic knives. We all know how dangerous PEANUTS are but hydrochloric acid? Nah. You probably don't even need gloves for that stuff.

Ty was being unusually annoying with Mercedes. I think she was purposefully irritating her to make her 'see' just how much she needed her sight. Good tactic, but God, I wanted her to GTFO of the room too.

Ty's "Jesus freak" part startled me, too. You'd think an angel woulda met the SON OF GOD. But then again, you've never stated directly that these are angels from Christianity, so it could be a whole different religion. Christian elements are all over this story though so it's kind of hard to tell. I like it this way, but it also causes some confusion.

However, if this is indeed a model of Christianity, the fact that Ty never met Jesus and displays such disdain for him could be a telling factor. Shows just how distanced she's gotten from her Creator.

PICKY TIME - there's actually nothing major for me to point out in this chap, but we can't NOT have Picky Time, so here are some minor errors.

Mercedes the steps her visitor took.

- 'counted' is missing from that sentence.

But I appears those who watch over us just don't care.

- But it appears.

Peace out.

Minty F chapter 8 . 3/18/2010
Time to meet Tiffany and Tyler, I see :)

Reading this again, after hearing that you intended for them to be love interests, I see their relationship differently. Even in this small opening of the chapter it feels different to me. The playful teasing between them looks a lot more.. 'flirtatious' I guess than before. Though if you wanted to make it clear that they had a 'thing' for each other, you might want to add some more hints here and there. Get that seed planted in the reader's mind that says, 'hey, these two might like each other' and then let that baby grow while they continue reading. It'll make more of an impact at the end when we find out what happens to them.

Alright, I can't NOT mention this.

The math.

My eyes glazed over like Krispy Kreme donuts whenever an equation popped up. This isn't really a criticism of your story - math and I have many personal issues that might need therapy to deal with - but I'm just sayin that I really, really did not enjoy all the mathematical madness in this chapter.

With that said, I am pleased that you took the time to work out this problem. It effectively showed us Tiffany's gift and gave us a good feel of Tiff's and Tyler's personalities. (Tyler kept reminding me of you with his savvy smartness and not-quite-secret enjoyment of being teased.) Also, I'll admit, I did find their discussion a tad interesting. A tad.

The author's notes in the chapter were distracting, and I always oppose them. No exceptions. Even though yours had merit and weren't just random inserts of, "To see a picture of this click on my profile!" or "That was only a joke, btw!" - they still had that same *okay, this isn't part of the story.. what is this?* effect. Author's notes should only reside before and/or after a chapter. NO EXCEPTIONS.

How awesome would it be to have Tiffany and Curiel's power? You could go on Who Wants to be a Millionaire or something and win big. Definitely a power I wouldn't mind having. They definitely should have considered that.

It's kind of cute how Curiel's always going to Subway. The thought of an ex-angel standing in line at an ordinary fast food restaurant, choosing toppings and breads is amusing. Hopefully Cur took advantage of that $5 foot long deal. (What's his fav sandwich anyway? I fell deeply in love with the chicken teriyaki sub!)

"Tiffany wanted to scold Sarah for telling him that she was free. You're supposed to make guys work for it when asking you out on a date."

- Tiffany reads those Yahoo dating articles, doesn't she? *shakes head* Gurl's gotta point though. Women are taught at an early age to make the guy do all the sweatin' and frettin' ;)

Well, good chapter again. The math part dragged on longer than I was comfortable with, but I survived! And I'm glad, too, 'cause the ending part with Sarah's black wings was such a bombshell. I remember when I first read this I had my WTF Face firmly in place and promptly clicked to the next chapter.


"Electronics for Dummies." and 'The Keys to the Gateway of Magic: Summoning the Solomonic Archangels and Demon Princes'

- titles of books should always be italicized.

And that, my friend, is it. Not too much to nitpick about in this chappie. See ya tomorra.

Minty F chapter 7 . 3/17/2010
Figured I'd pick back up with this reviewing thing.

I must say, I'm a bit horrified at Juliette's choice of attire. She's got blue and gray and brown and black going on - as an amateur fashionista, that combo just doesn't jive with me. Now if the shirt was white that would be better, and the pantyhose more of a beige/skin tone - that would be such an improvement.

But I digress. Mention specific pieces of clothing from an outfit and that tends to happen.

Tydannoth in her study reminds me of a teenager and his/her computer or video games. Only exiting the room to eat or use the restroom.. not acknowledging anyone else's existence whilst doing so.. that was basically summer of 2007 for me when I first got my laptop :)

Only I doubt Ty is busy slaying level 10 dragons or indulging in pr0nz. I wonder what she's up to...

Juliette's self-mutilation scene was both disturbing and funny. On the one hand, it's creepy how she's coping with the stress, hurting herself like that. On the other hand, the fact that she's slicing and stabbing herself so casually right in front of another person is amusing. She's like a self-healing emo.

The quick cut to Al's POV felt unnecessary since it didn't contribute much to the chapter. I'd either remove it or edit it in a way that wouldn't require a line break.

Overall another nice chappie. Looks like Tydannoth's plan is starting to come together and Juliette is already on board. I like the way you ended the chapter, too. Makes me wanna read on, even though I already know what happens.


She'd spend much more time on her makeup and her outfits before, those were things that she knew.

- should be 'she'd spent.' Also, instead of using a comma go with a semi-colon or a period.

She was observing from behind a one-way mirror.

- I think you mean two-way mirror?

In the next room, the technical term for what was going on is "electroconvulsive therapy", or ECT.

- you flip to present tense from past tense in this sentence, so instead of 'what was going on is' it should be 'what was going on was'

Those are the only major mistakes worth pointing out. Oh, did you know that you can't add on excessive letters to words in FP reviews anymore? I hooked about ten M's onto 'hm' in my Lost review, but silly FP shortened it to just one M. It just doesn't have the same effect, y'know? I wonder how MaGa is coping..

Well, see ya next chapter!

iwillbealwaysadreamer chapter 5 . 3/6/2010
I likeses! :)
iwillbealwaysadreamer chapter 4 . 3/6/2010
OMG! :D I still likeses! :)
iwillbealwaysadreamer chapter 3 . 3/6/2010
Aw, wow! I likeses the calla lily bit. I likeses it all! :)
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