|Reviews for Away With Jenny Wren|
| Daggerhart chapter 27 . 5/20/2010
'maths homework' should be 'math homework'.
'as if enough hatred would make it disappear.'
I think this is a pretty good description.
'This was a few weeks ago, when my friend Mikey was still alive. And I hated him for it.'
Um, it's a flashback; if Mikey had already died in a previous chapter, I think saying that this happened when he was alive is unneeded, as the flashback itself already establishes that.
'"What the Hell's up with you?"' should be '"What the hell's up with you?"'
'His body was getting closer and closer to the tabletop, as if he was considering melting into it.'
I slightly chuckled at this-good description.
'My blood left my face'
Can I suggest something better? 'The blood drained from my face', perhaps?
WHOA... Luca killed him? I didn't expect that. You wrote it so artistically and well. Good job.
I think the dialogue flowed smoothly between Luca and Mikey during the flashback-I could feel Luca's pain and I felt bad for Mikey for what he was going through.
The ending was also very good. Damn, I'm going to have to read this story from the beginning, LOL. It's very well written. To bad I'm spoiling myself now by reading the end...
| Dahlia Wolffe chapter 2 . 5/20/2010
I like the start with the imagery of Mikey's memorial. Short and concise, drawing a picture wihout extra fluff. *thumbs up*
I also like the idea of Mikey in the wind and the rain. Very original, inspiring imagery there.I feel bad for Luca, and while I want to hug her i also want to slap her for being so pessimistic. It gives the story a deep, dark tone, almost makes me want to cry. :.( I also like the way Luca narrates. I usually say "show, don't tell", but in this case the telling works. I also like the way Luca and Katie discuss Luca and Sandy's kiss. Classic. I like the story, how it has been dark yet upbeat, but I kind of feel like Luca's anger/hatred is overstated. I can imagine her anger at this point, so reminders aren't really needed.
Other than that, another good chap. onto three!
From the RG
| Dahlia Wolffe chapter 1 . 5/20/2010
First off, the use of the first person was right on. It felt very smooth and made me more interested, cause i know firstand that first person can be very diffocult.
This phrase:and until she listens, she's going to be walking on razor blades barefoot in perfect wide circles... Ouch! Great detail there, and we get the imagery that these two don't get along well. Moving to the next section of the story (great first scene by the way, all the emotion and explanation was there) I think you mean to say just math, when you move to the scene where Sandy is crying.
Overall, great first chapter. The intro has me wondering about what will happen next. Never was abig fan of teen angst, but you do have me intrigued, because for once it's original. See you next chap!
From the RG
| Melody-kun chapter 1 . 5/16/2010
There are no grammer or spelling mistakes which is always a plus! Your hook is great, pulls the reader in. I like your character Lucas especially, mysterious a bit sad, and not totally angst. I find some of his thoughts funny, actually! The chapter has great descriptions that make good images. The story flows very well. The only thing that irks me, isn't even your fault. I typically never read romance, unless fantasy/sci-fi is thrown in, no matter how good the writing is. Good job though!
| polarkunst chapter 16 . 4/5/2010
Hey there. So, yeah I'm only on chapter 16/17, whatever, but this fic is very, I don't know - insert diety in your direction of choice - enthralling? Yeah, I just can't stop reading, but I feel like I have to, no offense, because I feel like maybe, somehow, I'm the one with hallucinations and life is supposed to be just how Luca sees it. So, yeah, I have to stop and think 'Wait, wait... ah, yes. Everything is dandy.' But really - I do not think that Luca is crazy. Just seems like he's sucked in an awful mess that, really, isn't his fault!
On another note, when I was younger(Yay - I totally sound ancient!) I read your 'The Obsession with Jack' story and is it just me, or have you become an even better writter? So, yep, I love a confussed and emotional wreck for a main character. But, really, who doesn't?
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 25 . 2/25/2010
Oh man. Everyone here is fucked up in the brain. Especially Swallow. I can actually envision him as some psycho stalker. Luca seems like one of the two brothers from Oasis. Nutcase, but more or less likeable. And Jenny was pretty insane as well in a subtle way. And I think I might be missing something here, but Mikey alive? Now that's some major shit up Luca's brain. And Sandy is getting rather annoying to me for sure. Also chemistry is fun with the bunsen burner. Copper made fire blue, am I right? Sorry for this dumb question. It's been a very long time since I've taken the subject in secondary school. :S AS for the two thugs, well despite my apathy towards Swallow, I really like the fact that they got screwed big time. I hate bullies and they can all go to hell. Why on earth such a thing still exists commonly is something I fault the education system. :S Anyway, wonder what will happen next. Update soon will ya? ;)
P.S: Thanks for your reviews on The Eternal Grail. Hope to see your reviews for A Ranger's Tale. And erm I forgot where you've stopped there. Sorry. :S
| c00kiemon chapter 6 . 2/2/2010
...I just sat in front of my computer in silence, staring at the keyboard and tryin to think of a proper review to write and my mind was blank. Nada. Couldn't find any words to express what I wanted to say so now I'm just typing whatever comes to mind first. Or more like, there's too much to say and everything is trying to come out at once and there's a flood of imagery formed from this story and I want to share what I liked best but everything is rushing and they all get clogged up.
Wow. I just wrote a review that didn't really describe anything or was helpful in any way. Is it alright to just write that I really like this and hope to see an update soon? Yeah, that's all I got at the moment.
| l'heautontimoroumenos chapter 24 . 12/9/2009
Ach. I love this story, I really do, what with all the people going bonkers all over the place. It is a well-known fact that we, french people, love crazyness.
Please do update soon. If you need any help with the french parts, just ask me.
Oh, and I really like Swallow :)
| Unknowning chapter 24 . 11/6/2009
I still love this story! I have been on FP hiatus for quite a bit and have been keeping up with this story-haven't had a chance to review until now, so my apologies. I've been reading your work since "The Obsession with Jack" and still marvelous. You've probably forgotten me due to my constantly changing pen names and being gone for about a year or two but anyways, cannot wait for the next chapter!
| 25ariel25 chapter 24 . 10/23/2009
How can swallow think that luca would think he was imaginary? Jenny wren talks about swallow?
I like the first part of the chapter with jenny moving in. It revealed her character more.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 24 . 10/22/2009
I don't know why, but I was going lol the whole time I was reading this chapter as if it's something humourous. Eh must be me going too high after watching AC Milan booting Real Madrid at away last night for the Champion's League football match. :S Anyway, it seems that Jenny Wren did have a ceratin means to make people trust her, huh? I think apart for Tor, everyone in Luca's family actually trust her. And I might have missed something, but who is Gordie anyway? I know Nameless was the pet dog, but I don't know who or what Gordie is. :S And there are some phrases which makes me go lmao.
[I can see x-rated phrases flying through Kimberly’s head.] Adults do have a higher tendency to swear. This is very true. :D
[Kimberly smiles bravely and gives me a look that clearly tells me that I am a horny teenage boy after one thing—bollocks, really] Another rofl sentence deserving of mention.
[I drink the rest of my milk down so fast it stings my brain] Reminds me of the good ol' Slurpee ads. Brainfreeze lol! XD
[Kimberly warms to Jenny Wren, she quickly becomes the rescued little victim instead of the evil cult-girl.] As I've said, Jenny did have a knack in letting people trust her. ;)
[she probably thinks that ‘and stuff’ involves sex and drugs and mass suicide.] Man some parents do get freakin' jumpy isn't it? ;)
Just something that bugs me though. Why did Jenny changed her accent out of nowehere? And Swallow playing Tetris is retor. Ditto for him playing the old school Gameboy model as well. And the part on Lamberry makes me go lmao for no reason. I truly hope he gets his own karma for sure.
Anyway, in case you don't know, a new chapter for The Eternal Grail is up now. Hope to see your review for it soon. :) Bye!
| Shagg chapter 2 . 10/21/2009
This is AMAZING.
| fairies and snapple chapter 23 . 10/12/2009
Wow. Just, like, wow. I've seen this floating around on people's favorites lists and now I've finally got around to reading it, and it's so freaking good. Like, every character is unique and totally thought out and imperfect but mostly understandable, and the suspense/mystery/whatever is super exciting and just makes me want to keep reading. Yeah. I really love this.
| Alteng chapter 23 . 10/2/2009
You're alright. I have been kind out of commission for over a month due to illness, my own and a co-workers. When someone is out, then we have to work harder.
Anyway, I guess the chapter isn't too bad. I tend to enjoy this story. I guess it is because it is a bit on the weird and different side. I mean, the FAE is out there somewhere. Jenny is a strange girl, and Luca's narrative is not exactly reliable.
Swallow is that type of dark character that you have to love. I would have liked to have seen what would have happened if Jenny didn't show up to the rescue. And, you just have to wonder about her motives. I think there is some truth in the image of Luca being the rabbit led by Jenny's carrot.
Everyone seems to be in character in this chapter. So, it is a good chapter with that aspect. And I can't say that I am sorry to see Liam gone. Swallow is a complicated piece indeed. Why get Liam out of the way for Luca? Maybe he is looking for that friendship in a butchery sort of way.
I would guess that Luca is looking for the FAE secrets that Swallow supposedly has. But, then again, maybe he has none. After all, Jenny is such a liar.
It is a fun chapter, and I look forward to your next one, but I do understand being so late with everything. I have about four chapters in the head for different stories, and I am posting in a very inconsistent way.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 23 . 9/29/2009
Herro there. Moi again. :) Anyway, it's an interesting twist to see jenny attempting to escape from FAE. It's actually something I've failed to guess. As for Swallow, well it seems that he's just as psycho as ever. And from what I've seen at the end of the chapter, it seems that Jenny's relationship with Swallow might be a bazillion times more weird than what I might think beforehand. It's either that or I'm thinking too much. The whole pregnancy twist is a major whammy though. I think it actually came a bit too drastic and I don't even know if it's true. Of course that's me having my brain going apeshit boom after the ultimate failure in finding the gaming videos for Fate: Unlimited Codes during the Tougeki SBO tournament. At the very most, it's only the qualifiers. Guess I'll have to go Nico very soon. :S Don't worry if you don't know what I'm talking here. Not everyone's a fighting game fan and fighting games are pretty much a dying breed on the overall basis. :S Anyway, just a suggestion here. In the future if you feel that you've taken too long to update, maybe you can actually add a brief summary in the updated chapter on what has happened so far, so that the reader won't be lost. Apart from that, can't think up of anything to say. As I've said just now, my brain has gone boom. x.x And you still remember Play Dough? Lol that's just so 90s. :D