|Reviews for The Story of Olivier Part I|
| Faywriter chapter 1 . 5/28/2010
I found this story to be very powerful in its tormented imagery. Although the first two paragraphs got off to a slow start it began to build for me as I read further. I am eager to read your other installments and I believe I will find them to be just as intriguing.
| Penelopeia chapter 3 . 7/2/2009
I like how Olivier can distinguish between "truth" and "illusion" as he simultaneously believes the voices are real. It puts a realistic layer of mental instability into his character that I appreciate.
There is also something that struck me that could either be perceived as good or bad. But in the case of Olivier and his obvious mental state, it is good. I notice that he keeps switching rather rapidly from a feeling of usefulness to a feeling of uselessness; these fluctuations to some may seem like a weakness in writing - that is, not being able to remain consistent. But it is fitting for Olivier, I think. He has highs and lows - and I hope they will become more dramatic, since he did have that murderous desire not too long before - which is common of those with bipolar disorder and depression, which is fitting. I'm not sure if schizophrenia includes this, but for all I know it could. Mental disorders often have many wrapped into one, so... yeah.
"Even my disembodied friends laughed in good humor at me."
Not too fond of the word "disembodied" in here... only because it makes it seem like Olivier realizes they're not real.
The paragraph about investigating his mother's sewing station didn't seem to flow right with me; I don't know why. It just seemed choppy and a little too long. Although some of it seems necessary, I think it could be cut down a little as well.
Then I would remember [Coat], and I took comfort in his presence and touch. He didn’t fear me. I had so many other problems to attend to that I could not spend too much time in self pity.
I would capitalize "coat" only because he's addressing it directly. This humanization of inanimate objects seems like another advance in Olivier's compensation for his lack of interaction, and I'd like to see how it plays out.
"Father didn’t know I was still alive much less come for me. "
I'm glad this chapter is leading into some action. Not that detail is a bad thing, but the pace is generally slow and some excitement would be great. Another review coming soon!
(btw, this is Ikaras/narcoleptic dreaming... I have a thing for changing names if you didn't already know.)
| Penelopeia chapter 2 . 6/28/2009
I have a terrible knack for disappearing. Though I always seem to throw myself back eventually. I still don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I take it now as a character flaw. Guh. Anyway, I apologize for the absence... again. You will get your reviews! I am not one to break promises. So here is your review for chapter two; more are to come.
"I had often ventured outside the house to explore my surroundings and to smell the fresh air outside."
The use of the word "outside" so close together bothered me a little. If you just took out the second one, it should be fine. :)
"The [friends] I had before Michael came into my life returned without any hard feelings. They talked more and more often to me. They didn’t hate me for leaving them. It was my duty to care for Michael. They understood that. They encouraged me to be strong for my brother. They told me about so many ways to make Father suffer. I would clench my fists at my sides as my anger grew and listen closer. I could hear his screams for the mercy that I would not give him. I could feel his bones break in my hands like the rats that I killed to eat. His warm blood would turn cold as it bathed my hands. This would be my satisfaction, and it kept the tears at bay. My day would come."
I didn't know if you meant "fiends" or "friends" since both seemed a bit appropriate in this situation. But after reading further, I figured you meant friends. Just wanted to point out that little typo. Olivier's sudden desire for revenge caught me off-guard a little; but I guess it's the quiet ones you need to worry about.
"When Michael picked flowers for her, I would choose some too. As long as she didn’t know they came from her defective son, all [would] be well."
Just another spelling mistake; nothing huge. This may seem like a huge review but it's not. I didn't really find much, despite how nitpicky I am! That's a good thing. :D
"Cold rushed me as I turned my face to my captor. Cold ran through my body."
These two sentences confused me, particularly the first. I don't know what you were trying to communicate. In my opinion, you could just take it out, or combine them. Like... "Cold ran through my body as I turned to face my captor." Or something like that.
"During my journey, I collapsed several times and just cried [in] distress."
Again, just another misplaced word. You had "I" instead of "in," and I do this all the time.
"He could nourish me to my vengeance."
I just enjoyed this line haha. :3
"I was at home at last."
I think you should take out the first "at." Just like my comment about "outside," I have a real thing for words being used too much too close together. These are all just my suggestions; you don't have to do anything I say. But yeah. I hope I helped!
| Penelopeia chapter 1 . 3/29/2009
Well! That was certainly a nostalgic read; I'm surprised I remembered all of those details about your Kobold culture. :) I will first say that Olivier and Lucifer's lives parallel in many aspects, and from what I recall from Bane, this could have spurred sympathy from Lucifer, and perhaps some sort of connection. But I never got farther than that.
Okay, while there was some good stuff, there was also some awkward stuff. I went through and picked out the things that bothered me the most and I'll try to give suggestions as to how you might fix them.
"There is very little to say redeemable about the travesty that I once called my life."
The first sentence is probably the most important sentence in a story. The one thing that bothered me about it was the word "redeemable." I think if you took it out, it would be a lot better. It just doesn't seem as if it should go there. I would understand (since it is first person) if Olivier constantly made such mistakes often with the misuse of words, but he seems to control them very well.
"I guess none of this makes any sense unless I start from the beginning and let you be the judge of what crimes are mine to be blamed for and what ones I was driven to from outside forces."
Really long sentence. I would split it into two. Also, the last three words didn't settle well with me.
"[All I can say] is that they were my parents. I can’t say that they were particularly loving parents, [and I] can[not] I say that I thank them for my birth. I have been [often] told that it was because of our parents relation to each other that I was so flawed."
The things in brackets are suggestions/changes I've made to the original. I'm not telling you to write this way, but what you had before confused me a little. The last sentence seemed a bit repetitive to me as well; I think you mentioned something about his flawed existence before this paragraph.
"Still, I wondered what it was not to be anymore."
No idea what you were trying to say here.
"When the time came for my brother to be born, my father did a most unusual thing, [so] this day was firmly etched in my [young,] faulty memory."
I didn't think "but" suited the sentence. The unusual act spurred the remembering, made it a result, and thus "so" seemed like a better thing to put. Again, these are just suggestions.
"Little fingers explored my face as did mine."
Does this mean that while he was holding Michael, he was also touching his own face? Again, I was a little confused.
"I didn’t need friends that didn’t speak with true voices or friends that I could not touch."
Just took out a few words between "not" and "touch." It was just awkward wording again. I know this is all spoken from Olivier's point of view, but unless those things were intentional on your end, then I'd change it.
Good start! There were a few other little mistakes that I noticed, but nothing you couldn't detect if you read through again. Hope I helped!
| Narq chapter 3 . 1/1/2009
I love the way you narrate. Surprisingly, it's just like a person telling a story, not like a person telling me what happened (sounds like the same, but it's not)
| Narq chapter 1 . 12/28/2008
Why why why? Why did they throw him out! Poor kid!
OMG! poor kid, I wonder what happens next.
I will return and reveiw.
Need to go eat lunch now.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 7 . 12/3/2008
Erm, okay, so Olivier died. So where does the other two parts go? Anyway, ina weird sense, I did expect things to go this way in some manner. And I think stories couldn't have their narrator dying is BS and this story proved me right. btw, I'll be interested to see what part Alteng will play in Bane. Apart from that, nothing to say here. And yeah, thanks for your reviews for my stories all the while. Hope to see more of them soon! Bye! :)
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 6 . 12/3/2008
Ok, now I know where Alteng came into this story. So my assumption was wrong. :S Anyway, interesting turn of events here. Never imagine Alteng to be Michael's kid. Anyway interesting first interactions between Alteng and Olivier. And I really wonder what will turn out from this meeting. Apart from that, nothing to say. Onto the last chapter! :)
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 5 . 12/3/2008
Well interesting case of paradox where Olivier is concerned. It really made the readers feel so much more for him. And tbh I'm surprised that Michael had died since I don't expect things to go this way. Now that the story had reached this point, I'll be really interested to see where the future plot will go. Apart from that, nothing to say. Sorry if this review is short, but I'm still on a high after dishing out pwnage in a Facebook game. :S
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 4 . 12/3/2008
Well, guess I'm right on the revenge issue. But tbh never expect it to be so soon a few chapters back. Anyway, guess Olivier's a kinslayer now. And although the struggle part isn't that graphic, more or less it drove home the point. That being said though, I will like to know the real reasons behind Olivier's father's hatred for him. imo it couldn't be so simple as the term defect especially since you've never stated any details on it. And somehow, I just feel that things will just go downhill from there for Olivier... :S
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 3 . 12/3/2008
Well, interesting insight on Olivier's character here. As what I always like to say, there's a reason behind every act. And although I do think Olivier is fucked up in the head, I do more or less understand the whole thing. That doesn't mean I think his future acts would be justified though. But still a good insight on his development. As for his issues with his mother, well I guess there could be a certain truth in it. Which led me to the interesting future face off between him and his father since his mother could possibly play a factor here. Anyway, guess Olivier's revenge will be over by the time I reach this story's end. But tbh not too sure about it. :S
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 2 . 12/3/2008
Well, it really seems that Olivier was rather fucked up in the head, but tbh I don't blame him. If I went through something similiar, I may get he same syndrome as well. That's what I'll term the psychological effect. That being said though, I did have been diagnosed with a psychiatric case, so yeah, I can understand a bit on the voices issue except for my case, they weren't violent or what lol! XD Anyway, I guess it's reallt sad that Olivier has to be forced out. tbh I was half expecting him to kill the robberes, but then again, i knew it's a mission impossible for him. And I really wonder if Mathias will play a part in the future plot or not. Anyway, the ending of this chapter seems rather cosy, but I guess things will not be good for long given the fact that imo, Olivier is meant to live through shit. :S
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 1 . 12/3/2008
Ok, I'm not too sure about this, but I think the Olivier here was actually that Altenglish guy in the other work of yours. I dunno tbh. Maybe I should check out the truth after I've finished reviewing this story. :S Anyway, I can say that this a good work of angst here. I really dunno what warranted the treatment towards Olivier, but if he's able to get his vengeance, then I'll say it's karma. tbh I really feel sad for him just like that kid in the Bane of Rendsberg. And yeah, I know what term means by fucked up life bringing about fucked up people. Blame it on society. :S In a very real way, this reminds me of GR Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire. Ok, I've never read the books yet, but I did hear about the major issue of tragedy and angst here. Trust that guy to kill off major characters at random for the sake of the plot. Anyway, good chapter here and I wonder if the whole issue of karma will be addressed in this story. ;)
| faerie-gumdrops chapter 7 . 11/3/2008
Wow, this chapter was certainly nice and bloodthirsty. What with eyes getting pulled out, throats getting slashed and all that good stuff.
Oh Olivier. Bless him and his crazy ways.
'How am I supposed to fish that way when I have only one hand?' Alteng raises a good point. heh, he raises a good point later in this chapter too - the hook. Wow, my puns are lame. Still, sad that the one thing Olivier is actually good at doing will never be taught to Alteng. Poor Livie- he does try to impress.
'No wonder he wanted to associate with the humans. He intended to trick me. He would lead them back here and leave me to their mercy' Paranoia, paranoia! This chapter is just filled to the ears with Livie's mad paranoia. And I like how he kind of flits between really loving having Alteng there and hating the cute little Cuxhaven. Shows just how unstable he is, I suppose.
'I put my knives away. I made my way to him and his miracle sack' I want a miracle sack.
'I asked him why he didn’t serve the shells with the eggs and he laughed at me' hehe. Olivier is just so clueless, bless him.
'Alteng brushed my hair out of my face and told me to smile. He told me that they would find me cute and they would feed me' I like how Alteng is kind of acting a bit like the one in charge, or the guardian here. It's true that Olivier is pretty ignorant of the way to live a comfortable life, and can probably do with all the help he can get.
'I knew he wanted to lead me into a trap because of my crimes. He would bring me into the den of humans, where they would tear me to pieces and put me in the stew pot' No! Bad paranoid Olivier!
'Now I ate the mass in my hand. It was as sweet as the other body part.' Yummy. Eyeball.
'It seemed like forever before everything stopped. It was over. It was the end.' This was sad. I mean, Olivier did kind of deserve to be killed, but he's too messed up to be completely to blame. And it was sad at the end there when he kind of gave up, although it made sense because he knew he's done wrong and hated himself for it.
Looking forward to part II!
| Anthony G. Cirilla chapter 2 . 10/23/2008
As with the last chapter, nice, charming style. I enjoyed this. A few things, though.
"I couldn't remain sitting under this tree to be buried in the fallen leaves then ice."
I know what you're saying here, but it's a little too terse. "The fallen leaves then ice" is kind of a confusing phrase. Try and recast it.
"I always knew which way was home. Michael and I would play in the sweet smelling flowers and lose ourselves there, but I could always find my way back home."
This is rather stylistic and nitpicky, but I think it would be good to cut out "home" at the end of the second sentence. We already know what you mean by "my way back."
Something I forgot to mention last time. Thanks to good old Tolkien, fantasy has picked up the Norse/Germanic habit of capitalizing where English grammar doesn't: that is to say, the first letter of a species (as in Elves, Orcs, etc.) I would suggest not doing this with "Kobold." But if it's been your style throughout, maybe you want to disregard that, which would be fine.
"The fiends I had before Michael came . . ." I think you mean friends?
"During my journey, I collapsed several times and just cried I distress." in, not I.
Very enjoyable. I can't wait until I can read on. Good writing!