|Reviews for Untitled|
| Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 6/25/2008
Thank you for the review. And sorry for my less than timely reply. Hope I can help with reviewing this story.
1)"The trees were sweating." The best opening lines are the ones that make the reader ask a question. "Huh?" counts as a question. I like this opening a lot.
2) Weird, wonderful intro. There are one or two points where you get a little too word-heavy ("frightfully grabbing at the mist as if it were some revered security blanket" I'd cut both 'frightfully' and 'revered',) but the atmosphere and the ideas you raise more than balance that out.
3)"I sighed, letting the sunflower-y pulse of summer sink deep into my brain" I like the image, and the way you play with the English language here. However, if I can make a suggestion: if breaking grammatical rules will make your story sound better, then by all means do so. I'd consider refitting this sentence with "the sunflower pulse of summer"
4)"I had to remind myself that if I stayed, it wouldn’t really be legal, seeing as they owned it all." That made me smile. Good character writing.
5)"Yes, memories; it wasn’t mine anymore." Another smile, but kind of a sad one.
6)"and her cheerfulness was still only a façade invented to cushion her from the hard glass edges of the world" Right there, for some inexpressible reason, the pile of words that goes into most of your sentences really works. So, I might critique your style on occasion (there are a couple of places where the heap of adjectives and images really slows things down) but it has the potential to be downright...uh, stylish when it develops. So, please don't think you should switch to a more minimalist way of writing.
7)"Once someone makes the discovery (“Oh cool, it rhymes!”), its magic is dead." a great line
8)"and being her brother" totally threw me for a loop. I had a strong impression of the narrator being female the entire time I was reading, up to this point. I guess he's a little too passive? Maybe? I'm not sure what it is exactly about him that keeps triggering my conviction that he's a girl.
9)"Maybe she understood more than just the threat of an impending car crash. Maybe she understood how Mom worked. Maybe she saw her bubble." You've got a great handle on psychology, and I applaud that.
10)"The sun was still gone, and I knew that it wasn’t coming back anytime soon." Great, solid ending line for the chapter. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more of this. I'm getting the vague feeling it'll develop into a supernatural story, but it could pretty much go anywhere from here. I'm curious to find out where that'll be.
| rockonztar chapter 1 . 6/24/2008
I applaud you, who-unlike many writers on Fictionpress-actually have decent grammar. Most of your grammar is well written, the only thing I would suggest correcting is somewhere near the beginning when you wrote: sunflower-y. I understand what you're saying, but I'm sure you can work around using the word 'sunflower-y'.
I like how the story is going so far, though I'm not really sure where it's going since you don't have a summary. Maybe that's a good thing, though, which will make me want to come back and read more. So, you have sparked my curiosity, and I hope you continue writing. :)