Reviews for Spell 'Laughter' with Capital 'S'
CinderellaWithCombatBoots chapter 12 . 1/21/2010
I love Lawrence's character, and the plot is pretty awesome. But I'm mostly fixated on Lawrence, haha. Call it a stalker-ish (or complete bona-fide stalker, nothing "ish" about it) fangirl moment. Also Vincent is hilarious. I have a secret language with my best friend too. He's mute and before he learned sign-language, we developed our own morse-code sort-of thing where we tap our fingers in the other's palm. Even though I understand sign-language and he's learnt it, we just both never resort to using it. People always mistake us for dating because we always hold hands to do it. Safe to say my boyfriend blames me for that because he would have approached me earlier if he thought I had been single. Bah-humbug. Screw him. Thad would totally trump him. A fact he has sadly come to terms with now :] Anyways...going off topic now. Love the story, sad to hear it's ending in a few more chaps. I just found it!
Palm Tree chapter 1 . 1/16/2010
FINALLY. At last I have BEGUN this new and wonderful STORY! To be honest, I don’t really see why this one is put down so much. I mean, there are some typos and whatnot but not a gross amount. The only thing that sort of threw me off was the motorcycle thing because it seemed to happen really fast but, you know, it sounds just like something that would happen in a yaoi anyway, so really? There was too much good in this first chapter for it to be a bad story, and that good by far overshadows what little bad there was. I enjoyed it a lot.

The title “Spell Laughter with a Capital ‘S’” is impressively creative and I’m still gushing over it. XD For the longest time I didn’t get it but your author’s note explained it and it was AWESOME. You’re such a genius. Slaughter? Oh… I like where this story promises to go…

Your character interaction throughout this chapter was phenomenal. I mean, everything from each character’s individual reactions to the way they talked was unique to them and it showed. I really liked Yilind. As a female character, she was really kick ass. Dave was such a jerk but I loved him all the same because he was so… jaded cop-like only he wasn’t because he’s actually not that old! XD But, as it seems Jeremiah is to be the focus of the story, I feel that I will come to love him the most. He’s so youthful and is also pretty bad ass and funny and OH. The way he’s looking at Lawrence! LAWRENCE. I LOVE HIM. He’s so beautiful and cool and I can’t wait to see what I expect to be his dark side later on! So excited! He and Jeremiah. Already. My friend. J/L OTP ;D

The chapter was a good starting one that, well, clearly introduced a good and solid cast of characters, built up a setting, and already has me asking questions. How much will the disappearances play into the story? And just what will happen with my new little OTP? The chapter ended perfectly with that ominous note and FOR REAL.

PEOPLE SHOULD BE READING THIS STORY MORE, M’KAY? THANK YOU.
LalaGirl chapter 12 . 1/15/2010
Plot: remarkable, you use a lot of foreshadowings to create the suspense. You lead the readers well throughout the story. Good

Characters: Enjoy having an insight into Jeremiah's thought. The characters are well developped. Lawrence is now more open to Jeremiah, an interesting change.

Language: It flows. A little improvement in term of grammar and you will be just fine. Overall, pretty good for your first story.

Great story

keep up the good work.
SoneAnna chapter 1 . 1/12/2010
Hm, alright, I'mma get straight to the point:

First of all, you've probably been told this before in your mass of reviews, but I feel I need to state it again: your grammar is terribly sub-par. Especially the fact that you leave out commas after dialogue. It may seem like I'm nitpicking, but it's incredibly distracting.

Secondly, your writing is extremely, EXTREMELY flowery and hard to take in. PLEASE limit your adverbs, adjectives and use of comma-linked uber-long sentences.

Other than that...fine, I suppose, although you claim your crime scenes are "detailed" and "intensly morbid", and I have seen much worse than that.

Yadda yadda yadda.

Sone
lookingwest chapter 2 . 1/12/2010
I'm going to write this review as I go, so that it becomes more detailed and you can get more out of it! So my comments might seem kind of sporadic! And I'm gonna get a little nit-picky because I feel like you should get the very most out of your reviews, especially for all the wonderful time you've put into reading my own stuff!

In the first part:

I like how you handle your dialogue, you do a good job with at least keeping what the person is saying in the tag coherent and I didn't find much of a problem with it. Though I'm disappointed we don't have feminist characters, haha, too bad Jeremiah wasn't like, "yeah, so?"

Anyway, there were just a few things I saw grammar and spelling wise so far:

Ignoring the brunet’s annoyance-

-I think you might mean 'brunette's'

"...This is what I found.” Dave snatched back the document and read out to Jeremiah, who glared at him, displeased.-

-I'd start a new paragraph after the speaker tag, since you move on to a new topic sort of, and it's not a speaker tag.

"What a waste of prison food,” said Jeremiah jokingly.-

-this one always gets me too! Make sure that when you use an adverb, you use it correctly, and you might just want to keep it in the back of your mind while writing, I almost always have to stop myself or edit this mistake in my own writing, it's always a constant challenge! So:

-"...waste of prison food," Jeremiah jokingly said.

-Then the "jokingly" describes how he "said"

Second part!

While I absolutely love that you have such a wonderful vocabulary, I think some of this can get a little too flowery. This however, it also kind of a style thing. I prefer more of the "Ernest Hemingway" approach which I'm sure you can tell by some of my prose in INSIWB. Some times I think your writing adds a little more into sentences that the reader doesn't necessarily need.

I used to do this all the time, and still can, especially in my story VATR and it's various drafts. So it takes some getting used to, even during the editing process.

For example:

"...about the other disappearances,” the criminal broke the pregnant silence by yelling, struggling against the metal cuffs around his injured wrists.

-could do without the "pregnant" adjective that describes the silence. It could also do without the "metal cuffs around his inured wrists" because we as readers should know the cuffs are metal, and are around his wrists. You could clean it up like:

-"...disappearances."

The criminal struggled against the metal handcuffs and broke the silence with shouts.

This is again, of course, me being extremely nitpicky and hopefully constructive, just stuff to have in the back of your mind while writing, but it can really take time-I'm still learning how to improve my sentence structure too!

I'm kind of getting confused about who is talking and even who is acting in the action scenes. You refer to the "criminal" as the "convict" and even "the former kidnapper" and simply "the man"-it would be clearer to use one term, as I really struggled to figure out who was saying/doing what.

Make sure you don't tag off-topic subjects at the end of your speaker tags, it'll clear some stuff up to, so:

"...Tell me, I am listening.” Jeremiah leaned back and rested his chin on his chest.

-"...I am listening."

Jeremiah leaned back and rested his chin on his chest.

I'd split it to its own paragraph since I don't think Jeremiah was the one doing the speaking, I think that was the officer. I'm also not clear about what resting 'his chin on his chest' might look like, but blah, I have those problems too, I always worry about how to word stuff, especially having like, head in knees and stuff. Body language can be tough!

I think in the second part, the last paragraph could be broken up into two, but again, that's just my opinion really-makes things easier to read. I know it's one giant block of dialogue, but you can split dialogue into two paragraphs, especially if it's a monologue. I liked the passion behind the monologue though, there were strong points in it, and Jeremiah spoke in a way that made me able to actually hear his voice in my head.

I did get a little confused again, on whether Jeremiah was the one doing the exit monologue, or if the officer was...who you also refer to as "the policeman". Mostly because you've got the officer dodging and attacking...and then someone, I was a little unclear, has their back on the wallpaper...then the excellent monologue starts. I assumed it was Jeremiah but I'd again, recommend using beforehand, one name for each character instead of several.

Third part:

I think this part is much more clearer, I liked it a lot because of that clarity and the further dimension added to Jeremiah's character on behalf of his reactions with your character Trisha. I also thing you do a dandy job with the dialogue! This was a nice bit of characterization.

Fourth part:

Starts off nicely! I like the description with the sky.

Ack, kids! D:

Fifth part:

Again, some wonderful character development in this part! You seem to know your character Jeremiah to a tee, so I can really appreciate that in an author! It's great that you've got a good grip on who he is and how he reacts, ect.

Some more nitpickity editing stuffs:

"...family…maybe it belongs to a friend,” pondered Jeremiah as he dressed himself in the gangster-style torn jeans and thick black jacket with chains connecting the upper pocket to the lower one. On the back was an emblem of an ice phoenix with other odd symbols printed on.

-with this, I get confused because of your word choice "pondered" (which displays great vocabulary though, haha). That leads me to believe he was thinking all of that in his head, in which case, I'd recommend going for italics. If it wasn't intended for his inward thoughts, try clarifying with:

"...friend," pondered Jeremiah aloud...

-With it again, and for the millionth time, I do this ALL THE TIME too. Be conscious of ending your sentences with prepositions, which is otherwise known as: NESWAP (Never end a sentence with a preposition) I always had that bleeding all over my papers back in high school, haha. So in other words, "on." would be a preposition. That's always a hard one! Just be conscious again, during your editing process to, if you want to go even a step further, not end with "on."

Though I appreciate the description of his clothes because it gives me also a better grip on his character, I think it was oddly placed, more so because it's a guy's POV your dealing with.
Rainbowtrouts chapter 12 . 1/12/2010
OMG you updated. Good chapter. We get to know more about Lawrence's past which is quite original. He;s full of secret and mystery, isn't he? jeremiah is very cool in this chapter like he has always been in all the chapters throughout the story. He handles the situation pretty well and Lawrence is so funny. He can act. Funniness. I really like the interrogation. The dialogues flows and Jeremiah's smart thinking is brillant. Lawrence is half way admitting. He speaks well of Jeremiah. So romance is coming. Vincent is awesome in here as well with his appearance. I think Vincent is THE Vaccuumer. The ending rocks

This story is so amazing, it deserves more readers and reviews. Fabulous. The description of Jeremiah's feeling is cool.

THE PREVIEW OMG, upload the next chapter. EPIC
Gabriel Schwrbrg chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
I love Jeremiah, because he seems kind of quirky, and like a fun guy to hang around, and do I sense some crush between him and Lawrance? That would be so cute.

The action in this chapter was great as well! The cop running after a motercycle to save an ophaned child is just so exciting, and just m akes me like Jeremiah even more. It definatly provides action to your story for the reader to gain interest in it.

I also love your dialogue. It provides just enough commedy to counteract the fact that it's a crime story and that your characters are police officers, so that it could appeal to a broader audience.

Great job on your story (for the above reasons), you've really got something going here!
idontwannapopuponsearchengines chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
The whole "laughter" and "slaughter" thing is intriguing. It makes me wonder what that has to do with the story.

Wow, this is gruesome-it's fascinating. Oh God, a charcoal-burned head placed on a table-I'm so glad this is text because if it were a movie I don't know how I would've reacted from seeing that. It's a nice way to start off the story and draw the reader's attention as well.

There's punctuation missing in some places. “Watch your tongue”-there should be punctuation there at the end of the sentence. And also at the end of “Poor guy” and “Eh, no thanks”.

"Anyway, since both of you are so free to chitchat. New orders"-I think that would've been better off as "Anyway, since both of you are so free to chitchat, new orders."

“Hello, I will still here people"- You mean still "hear" people?

"as if the otter world around them ceased to exist"-As if the "other" world around them ceased to exist.

"And occasionally drapped his black locks behind his ears"-and occasionally "draped" his black locks behind his ears.

"The raven haired reasoned calmly"-the raven haired "what" reasonsed calmly?

"Dave regretted of leaving his car in the parking lot"-I'm pretty sure you don't need the "of" in there.

"making Jeremiah grinned proudly."- making Jeremiah "grin" proudly.

"Dave and another policeman threw kidnapper"- threw "the" kidnapper.

"Dave casually swept his bloody knuckles casually on his uniform"-I don't think you need to say 'casually' twice.

The way the characters converse and tease each other is amusing and well-done. I can hear them in my head and even imagine their tones of voices. I've always loved crime stories, and this is exciting enough to keep me on edge. Keep up the good work.
lookingwest chapter 1 . 1/10/2010
I like how you started off this chapter because it brought a smile to my face and I thought it was creative, it made me want to figure out what smelled, haha.

I also like that you seem to have a great grip on your characters, especially Dave, and your dialogue flows really well. I also liked how you divided the parts in the chapter, as it gave a lot of different angles. I think the language you use like, "Wow, so cute." and stuff like that works well in its context to the characters.

I did find some mistakes in your dialogue tags though, make sure to always put a comma or period inside the speaker tag, there were a lot without them. Otherwise, solid beginning!
Narq chapter 12 . 1/9/2010
What? you lost them and then you found them? You are soo lucky!

It's been such a long time since I've read something of yours, care to give me a summary? :D

But, I think I slipped back into your world pretty easily, due to your wonderful writing.

One critique would be your descriptions of the eyes: "baby black blue eyes" Um, is it black or blue? Try to keep those at a minimum, because when overused, these descriptions feel padded and too much.

Hope you update soon!

Narq
Rainbowtrouts chapter 11 . 1/4/2010
One word: Speechless

the ending took me off guard. What does he mean? Hurry up and put on the next chapter. -craddle Lawrence- he sounds traumatized. After reading this insane chapter, never will see basement parking the same. You are one wild writer. I love your story so much. I am going to read the others now. Remember to put more chapters for this one. It is my favorite. I want to know what happens next, you cliff-hanged me with the ending!
Rainbowtrouts chapter 10 . 1/4/2010
Holy cow, I didn't see your updates. No wonder! I am happy, very very very very very happy now that I get to read the updates. it has been awhile that I didn;t see these people. I re-read the story (again) and fell in love with it (again). This chapter is so awesome and omg Jeremiah is my fav. He may be scary but he is such a cool and rare character. And OMG Lawrence is been stalked by this Merry creep. He needs to be a shower curtain man. Wait. Jeremiah is stalked too? Holy molly AMAZING CHAPTER.
scarred memory chapter 1 . 12/26/2009
I love Lawrence already and I'm not even to the second chapter.

Plus, Jeremiah and Dave make me laugh.
Rainsoaked Archangel chapter 10 . 12/22/2009
Wow! That's interesting. These homicidal psychos don't like each other much, do they?
Rainsoaked Archangel chapter 9 . 12/22/2009
Ah! Still so yummy! I read on joyfully!
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