|Reviews for An Unexpected Love|
| Jessica chapter 3 . 8/6/2008
hi! Love this story, even though i proof read it! I saw some mistakes my fault.. Sorry readers! Be sure to give me the next couple chapters soon! update!
| LeenElle chapter 3 . 8/2/2008
First let me just say that I definitely thought this was better, your language was better and seemed to fit more to me. Just a couple things to think about though. I don't think you needed to show her apologizing to each group of guys. You could have just shown one apology and then described her making a similar comment to each brother/cousin. I think that would have helped the flow of the chapter a little better. The same goes for the series of Goodnight's between the girls. I liked the ending of the chapter especially because it certainly does make you wonder what's coming next. I also liked the little memory of Michael, very cute.
| Jessica chapter 2 . 7/11/2008
once again,an AWESOME story! but you didn't mention me.. JK! you don't have to... Update soon? Plz?
| Friend of the ABC chapter 2 . 7/5/2008
Hmm... I'll try not to be too harsh...
Okay, I have to admit that I didn't like this chapter as much as the first.
First of all, Cecilia is starting to fit into a stereotype - a concerned, weepy, "I love you all" little sister... A character needs to have some flaws. It makes them more realistic, and we can sympathise/empathise with them more. Someone might say that if she were the perfect sister, she would have taken the departures stoically (did I spell that right?). But I thought her "anger for a noble cause" was a little too predictable.
Also, like one of the other reviewer said, don't put in too many details. Or don't shove them all into one paragraph. We don't really need to know how old a certain character is or stuff... It should be slowly revealed over the chapter, like "So-and-so flipped her brown hair over her shoulder" or "I exclaimed, 'Why are you enlisting? You aren't even sixteen!'" Don't shove too many details into one paragraph; it obstructs the flow of the story.
And, like the other reviewer also noted, please watch your dialogue! Climb into your characters' shoes. You aren't SunshineGirl, you are Cecilia living in revolutionary America.
Sorry to be rather harsh today... I just thought you needed to take note of some things. Don't be discouraged! Keep writing! I used to be a sucky writer. I mean, I won't say that I'm a brilliant writer now, but I know I've improved. It helps to read - so read! Lots and lots of historical fiction. Especially stuff that is set in the time of your story... Um, a really good historical writer I would recommend is Rosemary Sutcliff (Mark of the Horse Lord, Eagle of the Ninth). If you like stuff that are a little older, read Tracy Chevalier (Girl with a Pearl Earring, Falling Angels). They have definitely influenced my writing a lot.
You have an intriguing plot. There's lots of room for character development. I can't wait to see where this goes!
Friend of the ABC
| LeenElle chapter 1 . 6/25/2008
Ok, let me start with the things I think could be improved, and then I promise I will attest to the things you did wonderfully.
1. Watch your tense, I saw that another reviewer said the same thing, and I just wanted to reiterate. I was confused a few times within the chapter because of the tense change. It takes away from your story and confuses the reader. Just skim your future chapters for those types of errors.
2. In my opinion, this chapter was very repetitive. You didn't need to tell the reader twice how old her father and mother were. Especially with something as specific as age, you don't need to restate details like that, it makes your chapter drag a little.
3. This last one is completely and utterly my own opinion. I think your chapter would have moved more smoothly if you used less details in your first chapter. It really made the chapter heavy. In the first chapter I didn't need to know what her mother looked like as a child, or even now. The only character I was really interested in getting a picture of was Cecila (that is you main characters name correct?) I didn't even need an in depth description of her, in the first chapter at least. You can use following chapters to build on small descriptions of characters and in my opinion it's less cumbersome and more effective.
4. Watch your dialogue, it tends to get a little modern at time. Your explaining paragraphs however are not modern at all, so try to talk more like that in the dialogue as well!
Now...onto the EXCELLENT! I really love this time period and all of the obstacles that faced the colonists during this time period. I think you have a lot of good material to work with. I also think you've built a great family to work off of, and I can see that each charcter is going to play a part, though, some less than others, as I would absolutely expect.
As far as your beginning, I am totally intrigued by the sudden death of her Uncle and Aunt! I think that is a great hook for a first chapter, which is absolutely what I think first chapters should do! In my own writing, I always try to grip a reader, and give them a reason to come back for the rest of my chapters, and I think you have absolutely done that! I hope you don't think my critique too harsh, I can't help but be honest when I review, and I always enjoy constructive criticism on my stories, because it's the only thing that helps me become a better writer. Please, pm me if you have any questions or need anything clarified, or if you just want to run an idea past someone. I'm always happy to help!
| Friend of the ABC chapter 1 . 6/24/2008
Hey - here I am reviewing your stuff! Haha. Okay, um, I'm going to try to be as honest and tactful as possible. So here I go...
1. I thought it was really strange that Cecilia's family, which is rich enough to hire farmhands, did not have any maids. Also, why was Cecilia on the field? Though we all want to portray good, spunky heroines that are ahead of their times, we need to fit them in the historical context as well. I think a girl of Cecilia's rank would not be working in the field. Do you understand what I mean?
2. The dialogue, although not bad (you won't beleive the really stiff dialogue you can find out here), struck me as a little modern.
3. If Cecilia's family was neutral about the war, I don't think Cecilia would even ask Nathaniel if he was thinking about enlisting in the war... Cecilia strikes me as a rather sheltered character, and if that is the case, the thought of her brother rebelling against her family's official stance on the war would be rather unthinkable.
4. Tense! Please mind your tense. If this story is in the present tense (is, has) please stick to that. If it is in the past tense (was, had), please stick to that.
5. If Nathaniel was old enough to enlist in the war, I don't think he'd be sharing a room with Cecilia.
This story has good potential. Keep writing! You will get the hang of it in time. There was a time when I was a LOT worse than you. In some ways, you are also better than me now. Haha. Anyway, have fun with your story!
Friend of the ABC
| Jessica chapter 1 . 6/23/2008
Hi! I LOVE this story! So.. I have an older brother? I've always liked to have one.. sorry got carried away.. I'm just wondering, you can only update 1 chapter at a time? Please update soon!