|Reviews for Dreamland|
| Solemn Coyote chapter 1 . 8/25/2009
You've certainly got a knack for opening lines. The hook for this story grabs at the reader, and rather than conflicting with the rest of the section that follows it, it sets up a little bit more mystery to keep the audience interested.
On the other hand, it feels like sometimes you try to force a little bit too much content into a line of dialogue. The spongebob thing, for example, would cause most people to run out of breath saying it. Try clipping it down into a few related sentences. You might find that the emotions come out more concentrated that way.
You've definitely got the beginnings to what could be a really solid story. I hope you keep working with it.
| irule505 chapter 4 . 12/12/2008
sad story but good story! i like it!
| FantasyBender chapter 3 . 10/16/2008
Its AWSOME! I love it! I can't wait to find out more about the father's death and Jane's dreams! Its terrific! But one thing: What does hemorrhaged mean? You shouldn't use words like that. But I love the story! Really!
| Hillary chapter 4 . 10/7/2008
ERic sounds cool
| SightSpirit chapter 4 . 9/21/2008
This story is awesome. It was also a different kind of fantasy (no dragons, wands, wizards, etc.)! Although, the genre in my opinion is not very...fantasy. It seems to be more sci-fi than fantasy to me from reading the first four chapters. So I don't know if the story will evolve into a fantasy, the genre is wrong, or it's just me! I also love the sarcasm! Jane's character is very accurate for her age as well as for the situation! Can't wait to read more! Great first story, too!
My rating: 4 out of 5 stars
| TheAngelOfMurderBay chapter 3 . 8/7/2008
I like this chapter. Bravo. Sadly, I'm too lazy/tired to explain exactly why I liked this chapter so hopefully you can take my word on it. :)
| Phillipea chapter 1 . 8/4/2008
"I snapped out of her fantasy. I looked around the classroom to find that some people were laughing behind their hands. I grimaced. “What?”"
"“Great,” I said, sarcasm in her voice. “Mr. Rich made me say that I was an idiot in front of the class. You can tell my day was a fan-tastic day by the way I’m bouncing off the walls!”"
I thought it may have been a typo the first time, but then I saw it the second time, so I must assume that you intended it. When writing a story you pick a "person" to tell it in. First person, "I see a blue bird." Second person, "You see a blue bird." Third, "He/She/It sees a blue bird." You have to stick to it and can't deviate from it.
Secondly, her blowing up at her mother like that seemed a little forced and over-dramatized, it just makes me dislike Jane.
However, for a first piece, this isn't so bad.
| TheAngelOfMurderBay chapter 2 . 7/1/2008
Um...O_o. I did not get that chapter. Sorry.
And this is Abby. I changed my pen name to These Last Days.
| JMurphy chapter 2 . 6/27/2008
Kinda cool... like a person who is phasing in and out of her own body and other peoples body... kewl!
| MidnightFaded chapter 1 . 6/24/2008
Thanks for the review and I can't wait till your story starts to really get going.
It looks like its going to be really good.
| JMurphy chapter 1 . 6/23/2008
wow i liked it. i was only sadden cause it was so short. Keep up the good work!