Reviews for The Opal Fox
o0xMelzx0o chapter 35 . 4/24/2010
Love it! This story is really good!
emeraldmyst chapter 35 . 4/21/2010
I can't wait for the next chapter. :D
Katiefoolery chapter 7 . 4/15/2010
I think the horse is my new favourite character. You've really set up a fascinating mystery around him and his ability to either withstand or completely ignore magic, not to mention his non-horsy levelheadedness. There's a lot to like there.
Katiefoolery chapter 1 . 4/15/2010
This is a great beginning - you've introduced us to some fascinating and engaging characters, as well as establishing quite an intriguing environment and society. I'm imagining it a little like Pride and Prejudice with magic - a combination that particularly appeals to me.

I know you say you've already re-written this opening many times, but I'd still like to suggest that you work your "three things" into the chapter as a whole, rather than leaving them to stand out at the beginning. You have such a confident writing style that I think you could do it with ease, plus it would have the benefit of giving even more impact to the three things themselves. I can envision you taking each one and following it up with a little scenelet that supports it or provides an ironic commentary on it. For instance, you could follow up Aura's comment on being "of the oldest nobility" with her sister practically throwing a tantrum at the door to her father's study. That's the sort of thing I'm envisioning as I make this suggestion.

I'm very much looking forward to reading on - you've really hooked me with this first chapter.
Wendy Thompson135th chapter 5 . 4/14/2010
Derie looked guilty for a moment, but the Prince was encouraging and I was merely curious. I knew he had fallen out with most of them, but not quite all.

"A few, childhood friends," he admitted. "It would be awkward to invite them here though." ~~Pronouns refer to the last person named. That makes the last to sentences refer only to the prince: '...I knew the prince had fallen out with most of them(which has no valid referent), but not quite all.

"A few, childhood friends," the prince admitted. "It would be awkward to invite them here though." ~~Use names more frequently and make sure the referent is closest to the pronoun or otherwise unmistakable. Further along, there is this: ' the latest slight from Lady Kavenagh. She stopped dead at the sight of us...' which had me wondering if Lady Kavenagh is another of A.'s sisters.

"Are you mad?" she demanded, flinging out her arms.

I love my sister dearly, truly and wholeheartedly, but when she takes out her anger at other people by shouting at, or worse, attacking me without any warning, I tend to wish that I had been an only child. ~~Some realization by A that M is casting a spell here would help the reader greatly.

"Naturally, you are the only person who can remove such an object." ~~I find the prince's readiness to remove a protection he promised the king never to remove unlikely.

'With an ironic look the blonde followed him out...' Some words have gender. Née and né, and blonde and blond, are from the French and have two forms. In this example, the feminine is given first and the masculine second. The prince is a blond, not a blonde.
Wendy Thompson135th chapter 4 . 4/14/2010
"Prince Emory," my father said with a small bow towards the prince. A small bow, as if to an inferior or a junior, not the kind of bow a knight makes to a prince. ~~So he knew the royal family. Why didn't he teach his daughters? Also, knights daughters generally ARE 'miss', and not 'Lady First Name' who are the daughters of earls or higher.

"No actually," he relied, ~~"No, actually," he replied. 'No' is an interjection. "Well then I am glad they have attempted to make amends," he said cautiously. ~~"Well, then, I am glad they have attempted to make amends," he said cautiously. Both 'well' and 'then' are interjections.
Wendy Thompson135th chapter 3 . 4/14/2010
When I had had a second to breathe, and see his fair hair along with his extravagant riding clothes, I sent every bit of snow near enough to magic at him. ~~Why?

'...high-strung thing running for the stables.' Whose stables? The nearest one, A's family's stables or the court's?

'...of its bows showering...' Bow, bough and bow -Homophones, words that sound the same but may have different spellings and meanings; and heteronyms, words that are spelled the same, but are pronounced differently, are occasionally difficult. Bow(1), meaning to incline the head and bow(2), meaning a decorative know or a means to shooting an arrow, are heteronyms, like conduct (noun) and conduct (verb). Bow(1) and bough are homophones and sound alike. Bough is what you find on a tree or holding up a cradle before it breaks and the cradle falls.

"Oh yes, I'll be fine," and "Well you'd better come in and dry off ~~Interjections are set off with either pairs of commas, or a comma and the beginning or end of the sentence. More correctly: "Well, you'd better come in and dry off..."
Wendy Thompson135th chapter 2 . 4/14/2010
"Lady Aurelie," he intoned and gave my arm a warning squeeze. "Let me present to you His Royal Highness, second in line to the throne of our kingdom, Prince Emory." ~~Non-royalty is presented to royalty. Usually royalty's name isnt' mentioned. "N of M." is how it usually goes. In a relaxed setting, it might go: "N of M, your highness." Why doesn't A. know her country's royalty better? Yes, they're boycotting the court, but why is she ignorant? Know your enemy isn't a proverb here? And why didn't Derie, from a royalist family, know the prince? ((Also, a comma goes after 'intoned'. '...he intoned, and gave...'

' "I'm honored to meet you, Your Highness," I said ...' She should wait for the prince to say something. He outranks her, he speaks first.

And why doesn't he know who she is as soon as he hears her name?

The corner's of Prince Emory's mouth ~~corners.

"Think of it this way Father," Derie said, bouncing... More correctly: "Think of it this way, Father," Derie said, bouncing ... Interjections, such as direct address, are set off with commas. You had it correct in Chapter One: "Ugh, Mother, please." I

'.. I had enough manners to make sure that none of the people we were speaking with saw the gesture I made at him.' What a stupid thing to do, besides being ill mannered and ill judged. Someone is always watching. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

"Just imagine if the two of them heard those rumors about one of us being engaged to the Prince of Sea Isle!" ~~The two people mentioned immediately before the pronoun 'them' are the girls' mother and Lord Lensmar. Did M mean those two people?
Tawny Owl chapter 35 . 4/13/2010
Aww, Emory. I like you being nasty to him, it makes him more, not fleshed out because he always was, but, mature? Deeper? I dunno. It’s nice seeing another side of him. You always gave the impression that there was more stuff going on that you got at first glance but having him react to the death of a friend brings it out more. And the hug was good too. Although I would have liked to see more of Auri’s reaction to it. I did really love the twist in the corridor afterwards with her feeling guilty when they told Emory that he shouldn’t be. That was nice, and very human.

The I am no one’s mistress comment nearly had me punching the air. That was rocking. You should have reminded us what Geoffrey looked like though. I seem to remember harsh nose and supercilious air. It would have made Auri trouncing him more fun if we were retold exactly how horrible he was.

The note was brilliant. Proposing to her, haha. I love Emory. And the detail about the page. It made the scene more real. Although it was a bit of a jump to Emory suddenly not being there. Although fairly self explanatory in hind sight.

When she sees the carriage you might want to make it more obvious that it’s Emory’s do you mention a royal seal or something.

I loved the hat comment, and the not dying because she knows his name. I love that Auri can be so flippant in a crisis.

Ok, my go at the crack pot theories. So Darius isn’t after actually killing the royal family. Either that or he is very, very bad at it. He has to be a magic user, or have a magic user on tap and it has to be something to do with the Cyneweard, in that he wants to discredit them? Show how useless they are? Get rid of them because no one likes them anyway? Which may have a knock on affect on the publicity/popularity of the royal family who are the only people who do like them? And he has to be patient because it’s been going on for a year. And I’m thinking the magic user has to be someone we know because pulling some new character out of the hat now would be cheating. I’m beginning to think that all Emory’s lot are herrings and that it’s more likely to be someone Auri is close to as well, (as he/she doesn’t have to be present?) and that there are some political reasons behind it that I’m not smart enough to work out. And there has to be something important that happened a year ago to kick it off. I reckon her dad knows more than he’s letting on, but I doubt it’s going to be someone in her immediate, immediate family, …Beyond that my head still hurts. I was going to be geeky and go back and re read, but I should really be writing essays. (And there’s a lot of stuff to re read) I might see how far I get before the end. I can’t believe it’s nearly over. You excited?

And you named her after a roman emperor? That’s differently cool.
The Weatherwitch chapter 35 . 4/12/2010


i LOVE this!

*does hyper excited dance*

i have only just discovered this site and this is the 2nd story i have read and seriously, it is AWESOME!

please update soon?
redambrosia chapter 35 . 4/12/2010
TymCon chapter 35 . 4/12/2010
lol in other words re-read most of the chaptersXD

Oh so is it one of those in the room? I wonder who? If it was the Duke, well that would be kinda badass:D
AlijaS117 chapter 35 . 4/11/2010
That was great update soon!
Wendy Thompson135th chapter 1 . 4/11/2010
'...a witch (or warlock) does not have magical ancestry; they appear, sui generis, with never a hint of magic in their whole family history. A sorceress comes from a magical family, whether it be her mother, aunt or grandmother...' AND '...tracing my line from the greatest witch that ever lived...' ~So witches just crop up in any family, but after that, their descendents are sorceresses? What are the descendents of warlocks?

And why does the reader need to remember the three things? As part of a general memory skill? Or is there some reason? "Nothing you read here will make sense if you forget even one of these three things"?
Tawny Owl chapter 34 . 4/7/2010
Ess-pi-oh-nage? Haha, and touché. Very much so. It seemed that you needed to make more of him being able to ping open the booze cupboard though. Make it jiggle a bit or something. And you used locks twice in the sentence which kind of took the edge off it.

And everyone’s in on him spying – even Kingsley. I would have thought Charles would have kept it more quiet. But then I suppose servants are good at picking things up.

The first part of this chapter is really fast paced and I think you need to add some more dialogue tags or make it clear who is talking to who. After the bastard comment I thought Emory was asking Kingsley to hit him rather than Aura. I also got a bit confused about who was present. Claire, James, Emory, Kingsley and Aura are doing all the talking, but I’m sure you mention her friends being surprised at James at the beginning of the chapter. Then they seem to drop off the face of the earth. If they are there it might be worth putting in some reactions or something. Oh no, it was just Claire and John. Would Kingsley be talking less like a footman and more like a brother if John was there?

And James has always enjoyed tugging her hair. Is that why she hates Emory doing it so much.

The contrast in all the letter’s were great. The different styles and greetings were all really well done. Her mother’s writing style reminds me of my nan. She underlines capitals, and it gives you a head ache after a while.

It makes more sense that Claire’s magic is more practical than Aura’s and she needs props. I was expecting a brooms tick though. Or some kind of flying. The structure of the fire was really clever, with the mix of fake and real flames.

Ah, of course air is what she knows best. She does a lot of compressing it a wiggling her hips with it. And shivering her body out is a wicked line.

Should public safety have capitals if that’s the name of them? And is warty slang for warlock or does the poor guy just have bad skin?

You only killed Sir Vincent, so I’m not in shocked tears yet. It was touching though, and loved the way you built it up with the moa leading us into the scene. That said though I was heartlessly curious about what Emory was hoping to buy in a jewellers of all places. Hm. I guess that's not the crucial thing though.

His reaction was sweet too, although, after seeing him fight I don’t believe he was as useless as he thinks unless they really caught them off guard.

So does this mean we’re going to start building up a body count? Mwhaha. Bad day at work so feeling a little blood thirsty. And you did say this chapters a favourite so you must have had fun killing him too. Oh, and I found Emory when I was looking for character names yesterday. 'noble' and 'powerful' from the German Emmerick. That's pretty cool.
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