|Reviews for Old fashioned love|
| mylittlefirefly chapter 1 . 7/19/2008
Very original poem indeed :) I liked the repetitive "I have lost" and I think it tied in pretty well with the last two lines which I thought was amazing. Well, I'm not much of a critique so I guess it's best kept short and simple, hm? Keep writing! I'd enjoy hearing more of your work. -Mitsuke, mylittlefirefly
| english summer rain chapter 1 . 7/9/2008
oh what a revelation it is to find good poetry that isn't based on romance. haha, this is very very relatable. love the 'loops and curves traced/spider web black over a lonely page' and basically that whole stanza.
lack of punctuation adds a kind of beauty to the structure of the poem, however i think your line breaks occurred a little to often, and kind of broke it up and made it a little awkward for me.
great work anyhow :)
| Amarone chapter 1 . 7/4/2008
Ah. I really adore the word choices you've used. 'Discordant harmony/spider web black' - simply beautiful. The flow is excellent - the lack of punctuation benefits that, it seems. I also do love the mere concept of this - sorta reminds me of the oh-so-dreaded writer's block. This poem is a very unique, original way to approach that concept. The only thing that I find a bit off is the ending. It doesn't make the impact that I would've liked for a conclusion. All in all, though, it's a very beautiful piece. Nicely done :)
| doctor's diagnosis chapter 1 . 7/4/2008
I like this a lot, but here are a few things I think you could improve:
If you added punctuation it would give the poem more structure. Periods and commas give the reader guidance on how the poem should be read.
The structure might be better if the last three lines were together in one stanza. I think you wanted to emphasize it, but it's kind of just left hanging.
I think the flow in this is really good. The first two stanzas sound good together while keeping their own identity.
| B. J. Winters chapter 1 . 7/3/2008
Thanks again for all your help with GW. I decided to select this for return review simply because no one had yet read it. I like to be first.
This could be about writers block - that was my first impression. It also reminded me of someone who wants to write a letter (perhaps a love letter) and yet cannot find the nerve for true confessions - in cursive and not by typing a cliche email.
Overall, I thought the phrasing was good. I can see the 'i' with the lack of punctuation, but I think a capital could work as well and show more identity/ownership of the feelings.
spider web black over
a lonely page and learnt to pray
-this struck me as awkward from a flow perspective. My first inclination was that ending the first line on "page" would be better. - ending with "over" didn't feel right it's a very abrupt word that just sort of hangs there, when most of your others are noun/verb.
As always, I liked the ending. I see how the spacing works, but I could see you also making the last stanza three lines - instead of the 2/1 you have to emphasize, again, the confidence. Breaking it apart adds emphasis, but also instills doubt - that there will be some sort of wait. Don't change it - wait for other opinions, just thought I'd mention it.
Thanks for the diversion, as always.