|Reviews for This Is Me|
| dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 7/25/2008
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I like the format of this. All except the last two stanzas (and the last line) are haiku, correct? I like how for the most part, the first two lines of each stanza are connected, then the last one stands alone. To me, it feels like the first two lines are explaination, and the last line is a final conclusion.
As for the flow, I think every stanza in itself has a nice flow, but each one feels like it has a large break in between it. If that's what you were going for, you did a good job. However, if you're looking for a continous flow, I think that's where you should start working from.
This turned quite nicely. Good job!
| Pyrokatt chapter 1 . 6/27/2008
I liked the content, but the triplets in the beginning sound off. Try couplets or phrases of four to see if the pacing sounds better.
| DefineBeauty chapter 1 . 6/27/2008
i liked the first part how you have each stanza three lines long and for the most part, the first and third are visually longer than the second
however, the whole last part kinda threw it off. in a way, it doesn't even really fit in with the rest of the poem.
"I am so dirty
And the filth spreads like wild fire
Every place I go"
i like the imagery in that stanza ]
| a silenced revolution chapter 1 . 6/26/2008
The rhyme of use and abuse helps the tool analogy get across in the sixth stanza. I also like the different adjectives and roles listed in the next two stanzas and the finishing line. The emotion of self-disgust is well expressed here.
However, the wording of the first five stanzas, with phrases such as "I feels so empty", "Someday I'll explode", "I must be wicked" and so on seemed too prosaic to me. I'd suggest finding ways to convey these thoughts using more subtle means such as metaphor, imagery, simile and so on. In other words, show don't tell, to use a cliché.
I don't think it's a big deal, but I didn't like that you used "fire" twice in the poem. Lastly, I believe punctuation would enhance the piece over all, making it seem more clearly written and organized.