|Reviews for Ghostwalk|
| dreamshell chapter 3 . 8/2/2008
The first sentence is a bit... convoluted. Perhaps you could simplify it? Specifically, ease up on the commas a bit. Also, the next sentence after that, IMO, runs on a bit too long.
First sentence of the second paragraph has the same problem as the second sentence of the first. Minimize your word choices to get the idea across, don't let overexplanation or flowery descriptions abstract it.
Third paragraph is where you start getting it right. While complex, these sentences are far more sensible.
Sorry to nitpick, but this sentence might be a bit inaccurate; "Neil couldn’t recall any images, and so was sure he hadn’t been dreaming." As far as I am aware, even if you don't recall them, dreams do still occur. It's just the way things go.
Neil wet the bed? Heh.
"...to allow his roommates [to] remain childish."
"Many were off-limits to student personal..." Personally? Personnel? I don't think students would qualify as personnel, would they? Probably the off-limit areas would only be available TO personnel.
"Maybe that’s why he wanted to be a pilot - to break away from a life serving the ghosts, who were supposed to be serving them." Good line. ;)
"Neil had seen the other boys kick and hold down the animals to perform “tests” on them, which included seeing how long the animal could withstand torture before passing out or turning on them." Lot of serial killer potentials in Wendall Academy? XD You got kids wetting the bed, torturing animals, all classic signs of a maturing sociopaths. Then again, 'boys will be boys'...
Bit of a Lord of the Flies vibe with that last sentence. I'm enjoying this story. 3
| dreamshell chapter 2 . 7/12/2008
New chapter's well-written. You paint a vivid picture. The clamor of the kids, the oddball principal, Neil's mother's worry, his father's seeming lack of it. All very nicely portrayed.
One thing seemed strange to me, however. You wrote the following;
"I won’t be sharing a room with Richard or John anymore, Neil realized, as the adults began to call for order, the lights in the room dimming to focus on the stage and the tall figures looming ominously there. No more Cameron or Derrick…"
And then this bit a little later...
"Neil felt no strong connection to anyone he knew at the academy, and thus, found himself blessed not to be a part of the hugging and moping that would follow the meeting as children were directed to their new dorm rooms."
Is it an inconsistency, maybe? Then again, just because you have Neil acknowledge he won't be sharing a room with or seeing the same people anymore doesn't mean he particularly cares.
Hope to read more! D
| Jave Harron chapter 1 . 7/2/2008
I must say, this is a story that does have some good potential. The writing and grammar are top notch, and the premise is awesome. Looking forward to updates!
| dreamshell chapter 1 . 6/26/2008
I like this so far, and also where it could go. The opening bit was cryptically cool and I'm interested in what it pertains to.
Roedran's a fun smug bastard, he'd be enjoyable to read more of. Same with Neil. I also like the neat little details, like the digital marker, the Visor, and the glass desk that saves doodles for you and has a cushy back.
I can see a potentially awesome blend of sci-fi, fantasy, and maybe even horror that could come from this. I'll wait and see what I get.
| Twilight Starr chapter 1 . 6/26/2008
Good start. It was well written and interesting. Nice work.
Good luck with writing, this story, and life. Have a lovely day and a wonderful summer.