|Reviews for DARK PLACE|
| a.Star.wished.to.be.an.Astroid chapter 10 . 12/31/2009
No comment. This one is wonderful, I love it.
| a.Star.wished.to.be.an.Astroid chapter 9 . 12/31/2009
Hm... This one seems kind of all over the place. Who are you talking about here? God? A friend? A stranger?
Again, read through your poems and see if you need to change a word. 'Me, the girl who HAS strayed from you path.' Punctuate, and get the right tense of the word. Add a word. 'What IS special about you that I feel this way?' We say I don'd KNOW you, not I don't knew you.
I'm not sure if this one needs stanzas. You could if you wanted to, or you could leave it the way it is. Either way. Good job.
| a.Star.wished.to.be.an.Astroid chapter 8 . 12/31/2009
Again, stanzas and punctuation. 'I fall,/But you pick me up.' 'I cry,/But you wipe away my tears.' 'Could it only be that you want my love,/As I want yours?' I think I can safely say I love this one.
| a.Star.wished.to.be.an.Astroid chapter 7 . 12/31/2009
This one intrigues me because it's about a girl (boy?) who hurts herself for seemingly no reason. The only thing I would change is capitalize, punctuate, and put it into stanzas. This ones good, keep it up.
| a.Star.wished.to.be.an.Astroid chapter 6 . 12/31/2009
This poem gives me the feeling of confusion, and maybe a little helplessness too. But when I get to a line near the end, it makes me think the person is indignant, like, 'How dare he leave bruises!"
Delete the question mark after the last 'why' and make it one line saying 'Why did you not help me?' There's definitely emotion in this poem, I really like it.
| a.Star.wished.to.be.an.Astroid chapter 5 . 12/31/2009
I like this one a lot. I don't think I would change it except to make "I'm sorry" and the line after it into a stanza, so in the end you would have four stanzas. Again, I really like this one. Good job.
| a.Star.wished.to.be.an.Astroid chapter 4 . 12/31/2009
This one is good, I like it. Use punctuation. I know I'm stressing it, but if it's a question, put a question mark. Put a comma after the line 'We never ask for help" because it leads you to the next line. Read through your work. You would never say 'Do see anyone asking'. You would say, "Do you see anyone asking". The lines 'so you you ask for help/would after you read this' kind of confuse me. I know what your saying, but you want to say it, not let people infer the meaning.
| a.Star.wished.to.be.an.Astroid chapter 3 . 12/31/2009
Well first of all, capitalize and spell the words right. In poetry, every new line is capitalized.
I'm seeing two main ideas, so you could break this down into two poems. The first four lines make me want to know what happened to make you think love is a hoax. The fifth and sixth line seem like the end to the poem the first four lines start. You could tell about how your experience made you think love is a hoax, and then leave the reader kind of wondering when you put the two lines in about it just being you who thinks that, and love really is powerful. I like poetry that makes people think after they read it.
The other poem starts with the seventh line. First of all, change it to 'So many people are lovesick'. It's bugging me. The poem this line starts gives me the feeling of wanting to belong, but not being able to. Longing I guess. Read through your poems, and if it sounds even a little weird, you can make it better. Stanzas also help to give a poem meaning, or structure. It tells you how to make single lines when you go to edit your document in Document Manager. Look in the bottom right corner.
| a.Star.wished.to.be.an.Astroid chapter 2 . 12/31/2009
Sometimes I wonder if people read their work when they're done. It sounds a little weird to say "am breaking down" all by itself. Make it "I am breaking down" instead. As always, punctuation helps. Right now your scratching the surface. Really imagine yourself in the situation, and imagine what you would be feeling. I hear what your saying, but I want to hear how it feels.
| a.Star.wished.to.be.an.Astroid chapter 1 . 12/31/2009
To me, poetry is all about emotion. If you were in a dark place, how would you react? The feel of this peom is dark right? But the person it portrays seems to be just... Confused I guess. Punctuation would also help.
| fatbird33 chapter 1 . 6/30/2008