|Reviews for Killing Tweety|
| Formal Revya chapter 1 . 6/5/2010
That's very use of a child's world view.
| Mockingbyrd's Tune chapter 1 . 10/28/2008
Really enjoyed this piece! I could visualize Little Johnny, and that surprised me because the story was so short. You continued to build upon his impatience, and did so in a comical light that flowed seamlessly, imo.
The “twitching” paragraph was incredibly descriptive; it drew me to comprehend the mood of the story. I believe a great factor in writing a piece to which readers can relate involves retracing a previously spoken idea with a brief and simple illustration. It can benefit the writer in ways innumerable when the reader has become the vicarious experiencer, rather than merely an onlooker. You used that method very well!
“but then Tweety came out to play and the party got a whole lot more better.” Did you mean to write “whole lot more better” together, as though these were given in Johnny’s words? The only other place in the story where I find a trace of what could be Johnny’s thought verbatim would be “he wanted to go fast fast fast.” Here the sentence is not ungrammatical. “Whole lot more better” should probably be in quotes to display the writer’s desire to describe Johnny’s feelings in his own words.
Side note: I really despise being informed it was a paper for class, but that’s my quirk. It’s like telling an editor, “I wrote this as writing exercise.” Ugh.
I will be perusing some of your other offerings in the near future, I’m sure. (grin) - M.T.
| Glenn Dusting chapter 1 . 9/3/2008
I quite liked this story. The other reviews have already offered some good suggestions for improving the story. I would however stress that more details about Tweety would help. Tweety does seem to appear out of nowhere at the end of the story, introducing Tweety earlier and maybe giving Tweety a little more character in the story would make the ending flow better, keep writing.
| Master Judgment chapter 1 . 8/14/2008
In the introduction, the hook was adequate. Perhaps if you want more comedy, you could use Johnny's ecstatic actions to portray his emotions. This and a little dialogue could make this story more comical.
As for the characters, Little Johnny is sort of developed, and perhaps the parents and the cousin could be too. I do not see much roundness in the characters, though.
I liked the syntax of you placing of the words came, rolling, and off on different lines. It sort of reflected the movement of Tweety’s head.
Now that I think about it, I didn’t see much, if any, dialogue at all. I, probably as well as others, would like to see dialogue, because its use will keep your readers intrigued.
Even though this was a humorous story, perhaps a description of the setting could have contributed to it. You could describe the characters' appearances in more depth too.
I didn't see much wrong with the plot. It was pretty basic. Johnny goes to a skating party. Tweety shows up, and he "kills" Tweety.
The pace is fast. However, perhaps for a comedy, its suitable. Some readers would probably like more explanation and development, though, and thus, a bit slower pace.
I enjoyed the story for what it was, or what it seems so far-a fast paced comedy. That meant I read it through quickly, and some parts made me laugh.
Overall, I think it needs major improvement, so hopefully Sunday, that goal comes to fruition.
| PhantomBialystock chapter 1 . 7/15/2008
A bit of dark humor! The ending was a surprise and made it funny, even though in some contexts it could be considered scary. I loved your idea for this story, and I can't express how much I enjoyed the surprise ending. The whole time, you just expect a cute little story about a cute little kid named Johnny, but what you really get is something totally different.
I would suggest looking over your writing style a bit, though. There were some spots where you might be able to clean it up to make it flow nicer so it's easier to read. Just reading through it again will probably help you pick out a few things. Also, you might want to add commas in places. For example:
"Still, slow skating was better than no skating Johnny soon realized as his mother, fed up with her son's antsy antics, threatened to leave him behind with Daddy if he didn't stop squirming around this very instant!"
You might want to add a comma between skating and Johnny. Or you could write it "Still, Johnny soon realized that slow skating was better than no skating . . ." It might sound better.
This is a great piece of writing though. Great job! :D
| Willowindrain chapter 1 . 7/8/2008
Hey. I'm from the Review Game.
I liked the summary. Especially the last sentence because it made me wonder how did Little Johnny killed poor Tweety. There's an essence of suspense there.
In the story, you portrayed Johnny quite well with the twitching of the hand, his special glow-in-the-dark spoon and how he thought that he could skate by himself and that he doesn't need his mother's help.
The only parts that I can think of that interrupted the flow were these parts.(Note: These are mostly suggestions and it's up to your discretion whether to accept it or not.)
'After a lecture from Daddy about how eating too fast ...' and soon after that (in the next paragraph), 'After making sure her son was securely buckled in and that his...'.
The 'after's repeated itself in an interval of less than 50 words. Maybe I'm a little obsessive but I think you should change one of it.
And one more part : 'However, brave yellow bird launched himself into the sky in an attempt to avoid ploughing over the small child.
'However, the brave yellow bird...'. I think the article 'the' should be there.
'came crashing to '
went crashing down to
LOVED the third last sentence. Though I think it might not be accepted in an essay... It really built up to the climax of the story.
All in all it was a short read but it had me from the first word till the very end. Good job.
| loves him chapter 1 . 7/7/2008
I loved this, because altogether, it was too adorable. Aww man, but poor Tweety. There were a few things that really stuck out. How you underlined slow and italicized fast, I thought that that was a nice touch. Also, the parts where you described how the twitching started in his fingers and continued throughout his body and the part about Johnny's glow in the dark spoon seemed very genuine and for a 3-4 year old.
Parts that I would fix would be where you refer to Johnny's parents referring to him. Does that make sense? I'll give an example.
[...no skating Johnny soon realized as his mother, fed up with her son's antsy antics...] fed up with Johnny's antsy antics seems more appropriate. Maybe it's just me, but when you mention Johnny as his father's or mother's son, the attention that we're supposed to pay to him is kind of taken away. Of course, you don't have to change this, because your story makes sense the way it is, but still, it's a suggestion that's out there.
Last of all, I loved the ending. Cutting off the second to last sentence seemed like a nice touch, textually, it kind of resembled Tweety's head being cut off too. I don't know if you had meant for that or not, but it came across that way and it's a really nice touch. Great job!
| dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 7/2/2008
Very nice work. Your summary worked well. The last sentence made me wonder what it was about. And of course there's only one way to find out: read it!
You did a good job with Johnny's character. Little kids are always hard to develop as characters, but you did a good job portraying him as a typical kid, as well as giving him his own personality.
I also liked how your story fit the same pattern as the summary. You spent some time talking about the normal events of a normal kid's life, then you suddenly dropped the bomb of Johnny "killing Tweety." It kept me interested the entire time.
I feel rather useless, but I honestly don't have any concrit for this.
I wish you luck with your English assignment. This is a very good story, so I hope you get a good grade on it!
| WhenceComethThisBoredom chapter 1 . 7/1/2008
wow. you young scam artist, you. no, I will not help you with your homework, and I do not appreciate the fact that a fine and quite normal, serious story turned into a silly critique of a cartoon or whatever by the end. what, is Tweety a plastic toy of something? and the last sentence hearkens too close to South Park for my liking, son. all you need is to append "You bastard!" and you've got it.