Reviews for Thankful
drops of rain chapter 1 . 7/10/2009
I loved the paragraph starting with "lightning flashed". Beautiful descriptions.
Frosthold chapter 1 . 6/12/2009
Aww, sad but sweet. This piece was quite powerful! I wonder if it really makes sense to call her eyes blue tinted. This makes me think even the whites of her eyes are bluish, a little creepy. Perhaps just leave it at blue eyes.

-Frost
papermask chapter 1 . 6/4/2009
I think this was really nice. very sad, but in a way...sweet. I don't know, I just think it turned out nicely.
Quoven chapter 1 . 7/8/2008
This piece produced profound and touching imagery. I personally felt to mention of God in the context which you did so took a bit away from the focus on the brave little girl. But don't mind me, I have very particular tastes when it comes to the mention of God. Good story.
Durak chapter 1 . 7/8/2008
Yes, I like this quite a bit; very powerful, very thoughtful. )

Opening quote was good; the way you constantly reinforced the solidarity of the little girl - without making it appear "lonely" - was very interesting. Sad, especially, how the girl is so optimistic after having been abandoned. Very childlike, and tragic. I mean, she's thankful, and she's dying and...? So sad. Bambi-esque.

There were some parts in here I think could be improved upon, though. For example, "mud-filled streets...watered-down mud." "Mud" so close together would make me want to find a synonym - for example, why not "water choked with filth", or "watery sludge", or some other phrasing?

"With one foot bare, the other [in] an ill-fitting shoe"... just a little typo there... "She again looked up at the weeping sky" - a phrasing I like, by the way, because the world around her is very clearly sad and her thoughts are a contrast - but she is now under an overhang, so looking up would show her... the overhang. I'm sure you can toy with the language to make it work.

The fourth and sixth paragraphs (starting with "She leaned" and "Lightnong flashed") I liked a lot. Both well written, the sixth especially so, I'd say.

My last criticisms: "And the lady's voice was so soft; it made her want to fall asleep" - no semicolon. "And she sang..." two sentences beginning with "And" in the same paragraph are a bit much for this piece, I think. And "register her thought" seemed odd to me. I think something as simple as "too tired to realize how she", while also being more direct, makes more sense, since one usually doesn't "think" about not being cold or hot.

So, yes, very good. )