|Reviews for The Beautiful Ones|
| black ennui chapter 3 . 5/12/2010
I don't fully understand how the two are acting towards each other - and I think it makes the story interesting.
Keep updating! :)
| Usuicross chapter 2 . 10/17/2009
Hey, it's been a LONG time since u wrote anything. It wouldn't hurt to write more, ya'know. I like the story. A LOT. _
| Visual Princess chapter 2 . 3/27/2009
i really do love where this story is going so far
every time i sign on i always check to see if u updated and i was soo surprised to see that u did ]
can't wait until the next chappy and check out my stories if you wish!
| FerretsRevolution chapter 1 . 7/30/2008
haha...gotta love this. I know this is only the first chapter, but I really, really, really, like lillian (well, the character anyway) and I hope you continue this fanfic...this is really good...
| PaintSunshine chapter 1 . 7/9/2008
Haha. "Kinky" Love it! :)
| Arydesia chapter 1 . 7/9/2008
"All women are like that. Damien recited over and over in his head as he saw the beautiful woman across from him, a saddened expression marred on her face as she talked on her cell phone."
-comma instead of period after 'all women are like that' to connect the thoughts to Damien. it would be better if you simply ended the sentence '...woman across from him.' and started a new one with 'A saddened expression marred her face.'
"He occasionally saw her glance in his direction and frowned as she did it again, this time she had a small smile on her face."
-comma splice. there are a few more of these in here, so check it over.
“Flight 402 to New York will now be boarding.” The voice called...
-comma instead of period before end quotation mark. you have a some more of these in the chapter.
You’re devilishly handsome and you’re famous.” A woman said from behind and had startled Damien senseless.
-'and startled Damien senseless'. change of tenses here.
“Geese woman, learn not to sneak up on people like that.” Damien said...
-hmm, how old is damien? because he sounds a little too old to be saying 'geese'. actually, i'm pretty sure no one uses that word anymore...
"...And I’m very sorry I had startled you.” A sweet voice said from behind...
-you already mentioned that the voice had come from behind, so there's no need to repeat it. just 'the sweet voice said' is fine.
"...Have a good day Mr. Hammond.” Lillian smiled...
-comma after 'day'
"How infuriating, she was."
-no comma this time
"He gulped it in two seconds and ordered another one."
-'gulped it down in two seconds'
"He hasn’t smiled or laughed in two years, not since Jane had left him."
-changed tenses again. 'he hadn't smiled or laughed...'
"...passing flight attendant who smiled politely but had probably wanted to glare at him instead."
-'but probably wanted'
"He closed his eyes after turning off the light near him and shutting the large window beside himself, to at least get some sleep before returning to his apartment and then to a photo shoot with Vogue."
-whoa, okay. i'm pretty sure you can't open a window in an airplane (imagine what would happen), so he wouldn't be shutting it. and how could he get some sleep if the plane is landing and he's about to get off it in like five minutes?
-you need a stronger connecting sentence to transition from the plane to the photo shoot...
"...he simply sat down on the chair and waited to the woman in front of him to work her magic."
-'waited for the woman'
"“M’kay, your all set pretty boy.”
-you're- not 'your', comma after 'set'
"The older woman smiled at her work and Damien looked at himself in the mirror, he looked the same except his complexion was even, his hair was styled and he had on a Dolce & Gabbana double breasted pin stripe charcoal suit, with leather shoes, a matching belt and a white French cuffed shirt."
-whoa, big run-on/comma splice. had to point it out...
"Lillian, wearing a tight black dress and curly brown hair walked over to him and smiled."
-the wording makes it sound like she's wearing a tight black dress and also wearing curly brown hair. technically, you don't 'wear' hair unless it's a wig, so you should probably rephrase that
“So, I guess you not the photographer today?”
He looked at her and raised his brow, she winked and very quietly she whispered, “Kinky.”
-never use two adjectives to describe something if one will do it. for example: 'i slammed the door loudly' -'loudly' isn't needed there because you can't exactly slam a door quietly. same for your sentence. 'very quietly' is already implied in the word 'whisper'
Sorry for my grammar nazi-ness! don't think you're a bad writer or anything. i'm just picky. your story has lots of potential, and i like the characters so far. they'll be great once you flesh them out in the coming chapters :) one thing though-lillian seems like one of those cliched nerd-girl-turns-hot people. there's nothing wrong with cliche (i adore cliche), but be careful and don't let her turn into the stereotypical cliched character. if you write her well and develop her, she'll be totally lovable!
kinky! ;) (don't you love that word?)
| K.P. Crest chapter 1 . 7/9/2008
hmm i interested to see where this story goes so please write more. and how old are lillian and damien?
| Visual Princess chapter 1 . 7/8/2008
ha that made me laugh
but i LOVE this alot
i cant wait until u update
look at my stories?