Reviews for Sarpence
Mouse Mitterand chapter 4 . 11/13/2008
yay! new chapter! Very professional, and well-thought out as chapters go. I like the word "phase" as a new vocabulary word, and I like that BEFORE James knew about Sarpence, he was beginning to think he was going crazy, so he didn't just laugh it off when it happened. Really nice job, get the next chapter up soon!
tlw1 chapter 3 . 10/25/2008
Very interesting and I'm looking forward to seeing more.
dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 9/5/2008
I like the pace of this so far. You started with some action, but kept it vague to make the readers want to read more. You also conveyed a lot of information about your character, but spaced it out and presented it in a natural way.

Your narration was also quite good. You kept it descriptive enough to be interesting, but not so flowery that you lose the readers in it.

Sorry, one little nitpick: Try to stick to either em dash (-) or en dash (-). You switched between the two which I found distracting.

Very nice work :)
Mouse Mitterand chapter 2 . 8/31/2008
Great! You did a really nice job of making Torn truly mysterious, as well as James a lot more realistic and easy to relate to than the first chapter.

Is it weird if I really liked Sherry? It's always fun to have a character around just to dislike them, I guess. Post the next chapter soon!
B. J. Winters chapter 1 . 7/14/2008
This was interesting. I liked the opening. The confusion is well written and you can empathize with James' motivation for going to the party and then wondering on his sanity.

I think that same confusion should continue at the end of the chapter. He pales, thinks he's dead but I don't sense that he's frightened or shocked by the change of scene. In fact, he takes much of the scenario in stride - interested and curious. If that's what you were going for, then great, I just don't know if the reaction is typical. It left me to wonder at the depth of the character.

Maybe it's a style issue, but the verb tense shifts (past to future) are the one area that caught my eye. For flow purposes you should probably stick with one. It's very heavy passive voice because of the speculation you introduce, but the reader will have a tough time grasping what is real, what is fantasy in a jumpy space time continum. My recommendation would be to use less "to be" verbs (e.g. was/were) and more action verbs and I think you'll have a smoother piece.

example: Hearing nothing but his erratic heartbeat, James squeezed his eyes shut and awaited his fate. Any second now. Soon, the pain would come. {you have past and future here - would it be better reworded in all past tense?: He heard nothing but his erratic heartbeat as he waited for fate. He closed his eyes, but the pain never came.}

Enjoyable. I look forward to future chapters.
403 Forbidden chapter 1 . 7/11/2008
Your writing style is extremely enjoyable and professional, good job. However, this was a bit..confusing to me. I don't know, it could be that I have been exceedingly tired since noon-thirty today and forming a coherent sentence is an acievement for me. Anyways, wonderful piece (the part I understood anyways.)

-Peace out.
123456DoesNotExist chapter 1 . 7/11/2008
Review Game!

The beginning was catchy, and it got my attention right away. It pulled me into the action to get me to keep reading the story.

Your description too, is amazing without being too heavy and laden down.

While the story went, it raised a lot of questions and kept me wondering and impelled me to read it.

And woah, the ending was weird... but interesting. Very interesting.

I can't find anything I don't like about it... so, I'm left to pathetically say that you're grammar and mechanics are beautiful... and... that's great.

I think it's really good! Definitely something I'll be following.

~Me
Mouse Mitterand chapter 1 . 7/8/2008
Oh, a cliffhanger! Really cool so far! When's the next chapter going to be up? I want to know what's with the cars and little girls nobody knows! How exciting. I really like James! Don't stop!