Reviews for a murder in haiku
simpleplan13 chapter 11 . 7/20/2008
I couldn't tell if the your was the friend and the baby or just the friend or what?

Also, here I did not like the last line because this time I wasn't laughing at all, so I'm not sure who the line is directed to.

I felt this was kind of a let down since this was what the whole piece was building up to.

Still I did really like the whole piece, the idea was unique and for the most part it was well executed.

PS If you're bored check out the Review Game and/or the Review Marathon (link in my profile).
simpleplan13 chapter 10 . 7/20/2008
I think my issue here is the time lapse, like when did the baby get born, somehow I missed that, maybe there should be something about that. Also, why is the grudge still being held like 1 year later. I mean other than the obvious reason that she's pyschotic, but I think knowing if the friend is still with the crush is important.

I did like that last line, again quite funny.
simpleplan13 chapter 9 . 7/20/2008
I really think the last one and this one could be combined somehow. Something like

"picking out dresses/she will never get to wear/my plan's forming too"

Just because the other one by itself doesn't seem needed and this one won't stand alone, whereas all the other ones so far will.

I do like the last line comparing the plan to how the baby is forming as wall was an interesting touch.
simpleplan13 chapter 8 . 7/20/2008
I didn't like the first line. What would you say was full of shit? Is that with the last piece or is it the fact that you're picking out dresses or what?

I also thought you could have come up with a better description of the dresses.

Basically this one didn't really feel necessary to me. It wasn't funny and it didn't advance the plot.
simpleplan13 chapter 7 . 7/20/2008
I know you've been avoiding capitalization in the piece, but I feel like the name should be capital.

I like how you sort of answer your own question in that last line, it worked really well and is very true about the person that we've read about so far.
simpleplan13 chapter 6 . 7/20/2008
I like the connection between the last piece and this one with the pregnant thing, it makes them flow into each other well.

I did not like using and to start the first two lines, it just seemed too much for so few words, you know?

Love the last line, even though it's totally awful. Though I'm kinda confused if this baby belongs to your crush than a lot more time passed by then was implied or is it someone else's?
simpleplan13 chapter 5 . 7/20/2008
I think you should put a comma after wondering.

I also think the word right was just a filler for the syllable count since no one was even thinking that, you know?

The last line is soo mean and so awful, but again kind of funny, which I liked it.
simpleplan13 chapter 4 . 7/20/2008
The her was a little ambiguous I assume it's the dog, but then I thought wait maybe it's the friend? I dunno.

I did like the last line, I'm assuming it's addressed to audience, which is great because I was kinda chuckling even though I know I should not be.
simpleplan13 chapter 3 . 7/20/2008
This kind of confused me, is this the crush that you said it was okay for her to date or a different one? If it was the one you said was ok then I feel like we need something saying they should've known not to listen to you, you know?

I love the last line, it was funny, but also creepy at the same time. I do with it wasn't the dog though, what did the poor dog do to deserve this?
simpleplan13 chapter 2 . 7/20/2008
I think a comma after the word up would work well here and a period at the end since you use correct punctuation in the middle line.

I like how bit, by bit we're getting some of the story. Now we know what the question was, but it still leaves us wanting to know more about why this is an issue.

I like the idea of tasting blood, I don't think I've heard the phrase used like this before. Though maybe I'm just oblivious.. lol.
simpleplan13 chapter 1 . 7/20/2008
I might change the one to a number or bold it or something to make it clear it's not part of the piece.

I like the ambiguity of this piece. What is the it? What question? It definitely make you want to read more. The only thing is the idea of it being a punch in the stomach is kinda cliched. I'd love to hear a new description, you know?

PS If you're bored check out the Review Game and/or the Review Marathon (link in my profile).
FlawlesslyImperfect chapter 11 . 7/16/2008
A bit morbid for my tastes, but the repetition is very effective. The words you use are simple, which is a good choice for the mood of the poem. Great work overall.
Siren-esque chapter 3 . 7/13/2008
Perfect mix of bitterness and poetry
Anatomical Liberation chapter 11 . 7/13/2008
Haha, I CAN'T stop laughing. This is rather evil, but funny in it's own way.
Zijue chapter 11 . 7/13/2008
Cold, bitter, enraged and possibly a touch of glee in there - like it :)
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