|Reviews for Your Decision|
| Crimson Dizzy chapter 3 . 5/29/2009
I'll do the choice things first:
B) Change it, change it, CHANGE IT! Okay, that was a bit aggressive, sorry about that. But seriously, the vampire thing has been done so many times, it would be difficult to make it origional. I suggest maybe using another supernatural being if you're going to go down that route, or you could even invent your own one.
As for the song...oh jeez, this is going to be really crappy, okay? But I'll try my best.
'Now Suzy has to say Bye-bye,
and fly home to her castle in the sky,
Now Suzy needs to go to sleep,
let's go with her and count sheep,
One, two, three...
Now in Spanish!
Uno, dos, tres...
Now in Flemish!
Een, twee, drie...' etc. Repeat until naucious. I told you it'd be stupid.
Okay, onto the review.
I like Shane. He has personality and is a bit cheeky which is always good. As for the muffin joke, it should have been lame but the way he told it made it hilarious. The dialogue was also believable and you had the right amount of descriptivness to balance it out. I like Shane and Kate's friendship, it's rather cute. I also like the basic concept of this story, getting the readers to chose the plot. It reminds me of the old goosebumps books that I used to read.
I didn't like Kate so much. She didn't seem as believable as Shane and hasn't shown must personality so far. I find her POV drags a bit while Shane's keeps me interested. It was also a bit off-putting when certain things that should have been capitalized wern't, e.g. 'i' instead of 'I'. That said, I noticed no major errors/spelling mistakes and thought that this is a very origional idea and should definitly be continued. Overall, well done!
Hey, I'm sorry to say that I accidentaly deleted the message you sent saying what you wanted reviewed. This easy fix was the only one that I could remember. Would you mind letting me know again? Sorry for being so frustrating!
| Midori Ushi Law chapter 3 . 5/4/2009
I'm going to go with the assumption that the majority of your stories are on a hiatus at the moment. This is pretty good for such a fun little story.
I actually enjoyed the way you portrayed the dialogue of the drunk dude telling the muffin joke. The way he said it was funnier than the actual joke lol.
Opening the story with Kate walking down the street was nice, since it set her up to be in the scene with Shane being drunk, but I wondered why she was there in the first place and how late it was at night for some female to be conveniently walking down the street around the same time that some people would get drunk...
Shane and Kate's character development and relationship is obvious. They care for each other, but they're so opposite of one another that they seem to repel more than they attract. This showed a sense of realism to these guys that is worth smiling about lol.
The Ending still leaves me with a sense of mystery. I'm wondering what's so spooky about Drake unless you are still thinking of applying the vampire concept in the story. Though this is made for fun, it was really good for what I've seen so far.
| Midori Ushi Law chapter 2 . 5/4/2009
I know this is made just for fun, and it's actually a very nice original concept. Having reviewers choose what happens next is pretty genius.
There are no grammar errors here lol. You make the story flow smoothly because of this.
The character of Shane seems a lot more complex than Kate. I'm actually curious of what his personality is actually like.
Kate's POV is okay, but story-wise, I'm more interested in seeing what is bothing Shane and what he and Drake are even talking about.
I enjoyed the light humor you gave. It reminds me of my friends. (I'm talking about the porn joke lol)
| Link Broken chapter 1 . 10/26/2008
this sounds like a lot of fun. gr8 idea!
| Starleaf chapter 3 . 10/22/2008
A! I think you could totally make it work. You could avoid romance completely which is a big component of Twilight, and there's a lot of originality that can be put into it. First you have to think of why vampires are after her - obviously they're thirsty, but if shes a pain to catch theyd usually move on, so there has to be something about her. It could be something Stephenie Meyer never touched on, like... the main character hurt someone sometime in the past and the person is back for revenge. I guess thats similar to the whole James thing, but you could put your own unique spin on it. Then, once you've established that, the fun begins - the chase!
Trust me, you can be unique about anything.
| Starleaf chapter 2 . 10/22/2008
This is a good idea, I used to read these on Fanfiction dot net. Although this isn't my kind of story I notice that your grammar is much better in this one.
It got interesting toward the end, with the dark figure and all, but it was a bit confusing. He seemed to want to help Shane at first, then got all creepy. I guess I'll read the next chapter to find out, haha.
Again, you forgot to capitalize here or there, but that's about it.
| Counting Petals chapter 3 . 9/16/2008
I liked this chapter, but at the same time I felt like it didn't really go anywhere...though I guess it's a little hard to know where you're going with something like this.
I vote B, but I don't have any suggestions at the moment...
| Kinderwhore chapter 2 . 8/27/2008
I'd like to start this review by pointing out that I'm pretty sure choose-your-own-adventure stories aren't allowed on FP, but don't take my word for it. ...As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure I read that on another site; just thought I'd warn you just in case it WAS Fictionpress!
I think you introduced your main character well: the moment she starts playing the guitar, we know she's a musician - we can guess she's in a band (but it's a good thing you confirmed it). That being said, it'd be nice if you described her a bit more; nothing too in-depth, but detailed enough. All I know is that Kate is female; I have no idea what she looks like, and the same could be said of Shane for that matter. (I actually know more about what Drake looks like, and somehow I don't think he's the main character...)
I've got to admit, whilst I was reading this I kept getting distracted by all your typos; lowercase i's where uppercase I's should be, confusing its with it's... Have you considered getting a beta?
Plot-wise, I'm going to be brutally honest: I think you could do better. I understand that, what with this being a choose-your-adventure story, you can't have COMPLETE planning control over what happens, but whilst reading the outlines I got the impression that you had no idea what to do with this story; you just wanted to write it for the sake of writing it. If you look at published pick-your-own stories, you'll find that the authors tend to have a definite plot in mind, but obviously with different strands and alternate endings, and I think that's what you could do here. I mean, there are times when I'll be writing a story and think, 'What should happen now, A or B?' and quite honestly that's how these sort of stories are meant to function. The reader(s) shouldn't have COMPLETE control because at the end of the day, YOU'RE the one telling the story.
I'm not trying to criticise you or tell you how to write or anything, and I hope I don't come across that way; I'm just saying that this is a very interesting concept, and I think you could do so much more with it.
Hope I was somewhat helpful, and didn't lecture you too much! :)
| vrivasfl chapter 3 . 8/27/2008
I am really glad to see that you got this up. Any longer and I was beginning to fear that I might forget what I read in chapter one. I'll admit, I checked some parts becuase the details were a bit hazy. I really hope you bring up the next chapter faster, but I don't want you to sacrifice quality for speed, so take as long as you need.
Speaking of quality, I found this chapter to be quite enjoyable. I'm glad to see that my vote would up being the winner. I found my mind drifting during Kate's POV. It wasn't as strong as Shane's and not even close to being as interesting.
While we're on the subject, Shane and Kate are wonderful characters, but I didn't feel any development here. It just seemed to be a continuation of their actions from the previous chapter. I don't know anything more about them than I did in the previous chapter.
Which brings us to the plot. This chapter felt much like a transition. You implemented the night of drinking, but you didn't expand on anything becuase you left the future at the will of the people. This is the flaw in "Your Decision" type stories. Important key elements are left to the reader to decide, so you can't reveal more than what has been requested of you and nothing can be kept a secret.
As for this chapter's vote? This one is a bit harder. I hate vampires because they are seldom ever well written. However, I have seen them written beautifully. Although I can't give you any tips on avoiding similarities with Twilight as I have never touched the series, (My friends speak of it all the time, though.) I say keep going with the vampires. Let's see how well you do with them.
| Alaxe chapter 3 . 8/27/2008
I like the idea and the fact you are really trying to keep the readers on the same page as you. I don't like so much, the fact that in the rules and regs. thingy that people are supposed to read it clearly states no choose your own adventure, however I DO like how you are managing it. So...nice job, nice story, its serious, slightly funny, and a great quick read.
| MissAvariss chapter 3 . 8/19/2008
This is a fascinating concept, a choose-your-own adventure.
I look the story and characters- they are a little cliche, but it doesn't mean I don't like them.
I think you should get a beta, or try grammar/spell-check. I noticed a few errors that disrupted the flow of your writing, which is pretty good.
Oh, and my choice:
A. Only make it a parody.
Because your story seems rather lighthearted, so if you made it a parody it would fit better than the Twilight series's tone, which is dark/romance.
Just my 2 cents.
| Morohtar chapter 3 . 8/19/2008
Okay, let's take a look at this thing!
Firstly, you write the actual story REALLY well. I think you've captured the "drunk chavs out on the piss" thing perfectly, and this is a very hard thing to do without it seeming utterly stupid and drunk itself. Good work on that!
The two halves of it are cool as well - seeing the drunk moment through the eyes of the sober, and the aftermath though a hangover. You manage to distinguish the characters very well, and create a good relationship with limited dialog.
I think that the criticism I would make is simply in a matter of the form of the story - the choose-your-own-adventure style is . . . well, I think, frankly, that your writing is good enough to stand on its own without gimicks, and that you can probably choose your own plot points and direction to take it.
But, since you asked at the end of the chapter . . .
I think that a Vampire plot would be a cool addition to it, and if well-handled would be good.
A good story indeed!
| ROexx chapter 3 . 8/15/2008
Imma confused S Is shane hallucinating or something... no make him throw one punch leave him on the floor and walk out like nothing happened...than get drunk with chicks b/c he's the most awsome guy in the world.
xx shane ... lol also can you get more to the band bit. LONGER chapters... (have i not already read this one?) Get em to find a gig or something...happy to edit for you anytime D
ROexx... i feel loved in this story!
| concerto49 chapter 2 . 7/31/2008
Think first time I got around to review you :) So happens.
Ok, so there's a band in need of money, and hence their writing a song, whilst you set that up nicely, and definitely the dialog pushes that out well (even gives the character some strength), it'd be a bit better to perhaps mention a bit about their goal on the future, e.g. what they want to achieve as a band. The dialog was light and suited the characters. This is probably the best aspect of the chapter, that the characters actually play it out, and makes the whole story fun. Oh, and I could infer, but you never actually said where she was unless I totally missed it. There was a table and something else, but not location.
Children song's aren't my style...so I'll have to give that a pass.
Why are they arguing and about what? I guess you'll explain that later. I guess the ending was a little left-in-the-dark. Perhaps in this situation, you'd have Shane about to react before the choice, e.g. describe a bit of his emotions, and do a sort-of mini-cliff-hanger styled suspense ending to hold the readers up so they'd really want to choose.
I pick b) although the his character does feel like he'll do a) more.
3. Band Camp? There's too less information about the story to decide on a proper title except 2 people arguing about something, and the Kate that is having troubles writing a song.
| xx raincharm fetish xx chapter 2 . 7/17/2008
Darling, review time!
For one, plot - On Kate's side, it was sweet! One shane's however, it was a little rushed.. and I understand that it was probably part of the mood you were setting, but I think it could have flowed better. I didn't really understand what was going on, and not in the "oh mysterious" kind of way. I felt like the pacing was a little fast on the second half for a first chapter.
Characters - Overall, I like Kate! She's cute, feisty, creative, and apparently determined to do drudgery for the sake of her band! Shane is witty, but I can't say I like him that much from the first impression, because i know he's peeved.. but he kinda sounds like an ass. But then again, it IS the first chapter, so I'll have to keep reading to learn more about him, ne? )
Writing - your style is concise, and to the point! I like it! It makes for a very easy read, and keeps the focus on the plot and the dialogue itself. My only caution is to be careful to make sure that somewhat rushed scenes still have a good flow, yup.
Dialogue - Good characterization, and again to the point! Good pacing, emotions easy to read, and great comic relief! haha I liked suzie the unicorn likes to watch a lot of porn... overall, great job! very catchy. :D