|Reviews for What If Things Were Different?|
| xGekkeiju chapter 1 . 7/31/2008
Holli, you've definitely outdone yourself on this one. Ohoho boy. It sent a shiver down my spine. It's brilliant. Brilliant, I say! 8D
You tell a whole story through nothing but a series of questions. You use vivid descriptions with colourful imagery. You included a mini rhyme scheme that was maintained throughout the poem. And you created a gorgeous piece of work.
There were a few little things that I noticed that you might have improved on nonetheless. Oh yes, even with such praise there must be criticism, too. Sorry, my dear! A couple of the lines felt a little forced to me. For example, "If you removed my heart, made it right?" sounds like you tried to pack too much into one line, and "If from the sky you had not fell?" is a little awkward, and I think it should be "fallen" rather than "fell" (though I'm not positive about that). However, even with these tiny little droplets of criticism, I feel compelled to drown you in a wave of praise. It's beautiful, and - as always - very easy to relate to.
I also enjoyed the sort of transformation of the person the narrator is talking about. Where, at first, the narrator seems to be likening the lover to a vampire ("Would I feel this senseless pain / If you sucked the blood from my veins?"), in the end it seems as if the lover is being described as an angel ("Would I be alive and well / If from the sky you had not fell?"). It's almost as if the narrator is bitter, but can't help the feelings of love he/she has toward the lover. I'm not sure if you meant to do that, but I was thrilled by it. (:
Another job well done, Holli. I can't wait to read more!
| chartonjeremiah chapter 1 . 7/17/2008
I think most people can relate to this feeling of lovesick hopelessness as your life appears to be ruined for ever. The first stanza:
"Would I feel this senseless pain
If you sucked the blood from my veins?"
reminded me of the underlying sexual tension on which vampire horror stories are based.