|Reviews for Lightbarer|
| The Odinson chapter 6 . 8/1/2003
Good stuff and great ideas...keep up the good work
| Moonstrike chapter 1 . 8/18/2002
I've read your story through completely, but I thought I should come back to the beginning to review. I love it. It's one of the best pieces I've read in a long while. It's great. The ideas are well thought-out and the world you've created is believable. Now to the review...
The beginning has a sense of ambiguity about it, which is a good way to keep your readers reading past the first paragraph. For one thing, you don't give your protagonist's name. Secondly, the reader understands little of what has ALREADY HAPPENED to your protagonist, and will read on to find out. You've started in the middle of something important ie the rebirth (I read somewhere that the technical term is in 'MEDIAS RES', and I hope I spelled that correctly). You've given a description of what the rebirth feels like. This also hooks your reader into wanting to find out to which purpose your protagonist keeps getting reborn.
Here is a criticism. You use the term "pants". One, that is very American. Doesn't matter if you are American or not. Your character certainly isn't. 500 (or more) years ago there was no such thing as an American (I'm not talking about Native Americans here. That's for the smarty-pantses that like to nit-pick. Lol). Secondly, if you think about the era from which your protagonist comes from, he would not be using the term "pants". Don't say it's because of the host that he uses that term, because if it is, then you should mention something about his odd relationship with his host at this particular point, and not later on.
CH2. I simply love the way he uses "The State of California Driver's Licence". The way he says the full name and refers to it as if it means more to him than it would to any other person familiar with official documents, makes it more believable. He is a stranger with no clue about our modern-day society. You've used The State of California Driver's Licence as a prop to reflect that. (Getting way too deep...?).
"...the unsightliness of this time gnashing at my being..." is a little strong. It's melodramatic. The word 'gnashing' conveys torment. Is he really that tormented by just what he SEES around him? If he could feel evil around him or sense the depravity of the world or something, then "his being" could be in torment. But this line makes your character a little unnatural and distracts the reader.
CH3. Cut the line "Did this time even still have village idiots?". It's unnecessary. The sentence before is very good. Him mentioning about the village idiot once again reminds the reader that he is a stranger. Asking whether this time still has them, ruins it. I don't know why. It just sounds out of place.
I love the way Irving had to push the elevator button for him. You didn't need to add that part, but you did. Because it's realistic, and in a way, it's quite amusing. We all have stared at something wondering what the hell to do with it (with me, it's babies) whilst someone else rolls their eyes at you because you look ignorant. The reader can easily put themselves in his shoes.
The line "This was definitely not a good situation" is unnecessary. Your reader knows it looks bad. It's like telling someone something they already know, therefore, spoiling the whole spontenaity of the situation. Also, your character is talking in retrospect. Would you yourself, talking to someone about something that happened two months ago, say "that was definitely not a good situation"? Also, you mention again a couple of paragraphs later that "my current situation qualified as dire circumstances". So you don't need the previous line. Alright. I've read that part again. I think I see what you're trying to do. You're trying to break the prose to create tension, and by doing it repetitively you hope to raise the tension. Good idea. But it doesn't quite work because each of those 'stand-alone' lines is saying the same thing. If you can make it so that your character's thinking is actually progressing to something different with each line, it would work miracles.
CH4. Your protagonist uses the line "... that was really an issue." So far, you've tried to give him a sophisticated and educated, upper-class vocabulary/diction/accent/dialect etc. Now he uses slang terms. It's an easy mistake to make. I actually really like that line. It flows. Thing is, it doesn't fit the character.
I enjoyed the part where he briefly reflects on the irony of what Soffillian has said. It feels like a natural trail of thoughts. There's this sense that the character is actually thinking this, rather than the author simply trying to explain something. Good, good, good.
Hmmmmm... I wonder if your protagonist's view of the world having "lost its way" is also your view. If you ever reply to me via email or something, I'd like to know. Just my own curiosity, there.
Some spelling corrections needed eg 'staring' in stead of "starring". Probably just typing errors, but, still, thought I should mention it.
"...this vile, evil, despicable man..." I can't get enough of this line. Why? It's just great. I think it's the word 'despicable'. It's an understatement compared to the others you've used. This reminds me personally (I realise I can't always say "the reader" because I'm not speaking for everybody) that your protagonist is in fact much more powerful than he seems. Reading from his point of view, you can forget that (that's actually something to keep in mind as the author). Calling Soffillian despicable is a reflection of how far beneath your protagonist the criminal actually is. Understatements work.
Good going on the way you've made your protagonist's thoughts seem more like the reader's too. Sometimes characters' thoughts trail off for pages and yet in the reality of the story they've taken a mere second (meaning that for the author it's an uninterrupted sequence). By making your protagonist miss much of what Soffillian has said ("...and that's why I'm going to give you a second chance.") you've made the trail of thoughts much more real.
"...way over my head in this matter..." is another slang thing. The use of the word "way" is not in keeping with the way your character usually speaks.
Gotta go now. This story is very good, and the ideas you have are something to be proud of and tell your grandkids... (maybe ignore that last part, lol). I'll be back some other time to review the rest. With my schedule, I can narrow it down to within the next millennium. In the mean time may I urge you to write chapter 12. Please.
| Chonic chapter 7 . 3/30/2002
i just read the series so far and i have 2 things to say: 1 good stuff
2 write more
| SweetEvil chapter 10 . 12/6/2001
Okay, this is cool, the host can communicate with the Lightbearer! Excellent chapter! I can't wait to see this confrontation!
| SweetEvil chapter 9 . 10/4/2001
I wish these chapters were a little longer, but I won't complain. It's not like I could possibly like this story any less because of it. :)
| Scott Timms chapter 8 . 8/28/2001
Ooh, scary. Wonder if he's learned stealth yet. Because somehow I can't see his friends forgiving the murder of their boss. I love the double personality's you've created, and how he can see the evil in people. Great story.
| JaffaCake chapter 7 . 6/16/2001
Interesting predicament here, and the character stays true to form.
| SweetEvil chapter 7 . 6/12/2001
I'm so glad to see another chapter on this story! I really like it so far.. it's just a shame the poor guy is in such a crappy situation so early in the game. I guess that's what it's all about. Anyway, great job~!
| Scott Timms chapter 6 . 5/21/2001
Wow! This is better than a book. You've put a lot of thought into this new world. It was all explained perfectly, just the righ amount of hidden past, and allusions. Really good. Can't wait to see what happens next.
| SweetEvil chapter 6 . 5/18/2001
Well, I thought I was logged in but.. Anyway, you keep up this "it just can't get any worse" stuff and I'm going to be bawling like a baby! And that, of course, means I love it and the story's going excellently. I really hope this is a very long story because I have the feeling that I won't be able to get enough of it. I love Good vs. Evil stories, and your stories are the best ones here for that.
| JaffaCake chapter 6 . 5/16/2001
Exciting Willum, and I hope to see the next installment soon.
| Ted D. Bear chapter 6 . 5/16/2001
And the plot thickens, Dun! Dun! Dun! Dun! Hehe this is getting REALLY good Willum, can't wait for more.
| SweetEvil chapter 5 . 5/9/2001
With each new chapter, I find myself becoming more and more attached to the Lightbarer, Michael as we just found out. I really have a lot of sympathy for the character. I love the story so far and can't wait to find out what happened to the Elders!
| JaffaCake chapter 5 . 5/8/2001
Well, you just had to leave us hanging. Please continue soon!
| JaffaCake chapter 4 . 5/8/2001
Very interesting chapter. Need I say more?