|Reviews for Forever Mine|
| SympleSymon chapter 1 . 8/11/2008
Wait? A hitman and a teen icon? And he's a he...? And so's he...? I totally overlooked the note on this being Yaoi! Uh-oh...it's kinda like that Chow Yun Fat film, the Killer - only they're both guys X_X
Well, so far it's really well written - I particularly loved the assassination scene, and the dialogue between the icon and his agent was funny.
I can't promise I'll be able to read on with this once it gets to the extremes, if it does :P But I'll try my best!
Until next time!
| loves him chapter 3 . 8/11/2008
[His hand reached out and Chiyuu flinches ] edit: flinched
[Maybe that explained the strange feelings.] lol, aw.
I'm glad that you've kept Kiri in character (it gets annoying when the tough male lead starts falling head over heels immediately). And I'm liking Chiyuu more and more. He is too cute and too cool. Great job once again on this chapter. You blend detail and dialogue flawlessly and the reader isn't overwhelmed by either one or the other. Update soon!
| loves him chapter 2 . 8/11/2008
[“Chew Ejikieru Bubble! It’s the gum of today!”] hahhahaa, I love this line.
[This was sort of a meeting place for the crime of Tokyo.] I like how you've set up a contrast between where Chiyuu hangs out and where the raven-haired guy hangs out (gahh, what IS his name again?).
[“Ah, Kirihiko.”] So that's his name. Question answered.
You've got a few other mistakes, like changing tenses mid-sentence, so I would suggest looking over your chapter once more. So the conflict unfolds. I don't really have much criticism, but I do have to say that I liked how Kirihiko interrupted Inari. It helped to emphasize his to-the-point attitude. Btw, just exactly what color(s) is Chiyuu's hair? I'm curious.
| loves him chapter 1 . 8/11/2008
[...coming from the room the dark figure now headed towards.] edit: the dark figure was now headed
[The target had no time to reacts] edit: react. You described that he views his targets as faceless and without a past, but your use of the word 'target' just solidified the faceless idea by ten times. The man isn't Mr. Watanabe, but rather, just a target. Great use of diction.
[With that saying,] edit: with that said
[blowing a big, pink bubble with the gum] the 'with the gum' part isn't really necessary
[...that man just had to be so mysterious all the time.] Is this a thought? If so, I'd probably put it in italics.
[The dark-haired boy paused outside as he looked at her. He smiled as he looked up at the night sky.] I would suggest merging the two sentences (i.e. as he looked at her and then turn to smile up at the night sky)
[The night’s beautiful and I never get to enjoy it anymore.] Aw, I liked this line coming from Chiyuu. How cute.
[...as he stepped slowly down the sidewalk.] Run on here. You already used 'as _' in the sentence. Eurgh, I always make that mistake.
[...his hand into the ruffian’s nose.] The mood seems a little too tense for a word as...fancy as ruffian. Thug or something of that nature might be more appropriate.
[But what he didn’t know, is that the interest wouldn’t stop there…] Nice lead into the next chapter.
Mkay, so this is my first time reading yaoi and I have to admit that I was more than just slightly hesitant to read this (and still kind of am). But I really loved your review (I was grinning like a maniac) and owe you one according to the RG, so here I am. My next confession? I really, really like your Chiyuu character. You describe him very well and he just comes across as this adorable, loveable guy. I like how he wanted a picture with his savior. Lmao, he's awesome. So yeah, my hesitancy is kind of gone. One thing that I liked in particular was the scene with the thugs in the alley. Usually, authors just go over actions way too quickly and don't spend enough time/effort into the details and it feels like I'm reading 'punched right, kicked left, groaned in pain, etc'. You, however, did a great job with alternating between action and detail so that the reader was well aware of the scene as it played out. All in all, great start.
| deleted.deleted chapter 2 . 8/9/2008
- Characters; I think Chiyuu is like a little kid. I don't understand how old he is, if he's a very young boy, or an immature guy. He seems to be full of himself and very afraid. And Kirihiko seems to be the stereo-typical bad guy who feels bad for people smaller than him.
- Relationships; Chiyuu worships Kirihiko, and the way he stutters it's almost like he's a little girl with a crush. I don't know if he's gay, but it confused me, not knowing.
- Writing; The way you described things was wonderful, you took the time to show how Kirihiko felt that his targets were nothing.
- Spelling/Grammar; Some of your grammar, especially towards the end of chapter one, it didn't flow well. For example,
"It’d turned out perfect. He and his savior stood there, a brilliant smile on Chiyuu’s face and a emotionless one on the stranger. Still, at least he had a picture. Now he just needed a name."
You could havemade it better, maybe like this:
"Chiyuu thought the picture to be perfect, the man who'd saved him stood emotionless as he always did and Chiyuu let a warm, bright smile play on his lips. He didn't care about the little imperfections in, just that he had it, now he needed a name to put to the face."
| Master Judgment chapter 3 . 8/9/2008
Your opening is pretty good (like with the auditory imagery of the crescendo of approaching footsteps), but I think it needs a little work
As for syntax, I found a few grammatical mistakes. Most of them were about subject verb agreement. Try reading your story out loud to catch those. (ie: time to reacts)
Your characters are realistic. You describe their appearance well, but I was expecting some unconscious conflicts (because you say in your profile that you want to capture human psyche) This will help your readers get a feel for the character's(s') struggles
The dialogue kept me interested. It did not seem forced.
Even though I was not on the edge of my seat or totally in love with the story, it is enjoyable. That is okay because I was not expecting much action, but was happy when suspense accumulated.
It is a good pace. Due to the story’s title, I was not expecting it to be fast. However, I liked the beginning’s moment of suspense.
Sometimes I wondered where the story was going, but at least you had the summary up at the top.
You describe settings pretty well, so if you’re goal was to delve into the human psyche, I thought maybe the darkness of the room represented fear or the unknown. In other areas, try using diction that displays the proper tone you want to convey. In addition, I would like to see some more imagery. You had some auditory imagery in the beginning with the steps, so I think you should use sound devices to either convey your tone or help readers understand the character’s or characters’ mind(s).
Overall, you write well and if you consider to these suggestions, you will flourish.
| CrimsonxShadows chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
This is not bad for a Yaoi/Yuri Slash story. I'd expected something completely different and cliche, but you're quite original.
Your hook was just a bit lacking, but once the reader gets to the third of fourth paragraph, things pick up immensely. I applaud you.
Your descriptions are fantastic and flowery, yet you use barely any words at all. I like the way you use 'faceless,' because it's showing the insiginificance it has on the main character to kill someone. Or, at least, his act is very believable.
This is just my personal opinion, but it's quite annoying when an author puts the same words too close together in a sentence when they could use their imagination to spice things up a bit.
"...glass screen as a commercial played across the screen." There are two 'screens' in one sentence, and I think you might have been able to come up with another more interesting phrase that might have caught our attention. Maybe like it was the only witness to the murder? The only faceless, unseeing thing that saw it, or something? Give us a bang like your character did.
Your plot isn't that bad, and I love the contrast between the two characters nearing the end of the chapter. One is bubbly and bright-obviously more outgoing and probably younger, and the other is harsh, cold, and distant. Very nice. Readers like to see contrast!
| Sakura Camui chapter 3 . 7/28/2008
*squeals* Okay, yeah I'm too much of a fangirl, but I honestly really love characters like Kirihiko! And Chiyuu is just an adorable diva. xD I can't wait to read more. x3
| blackberrydream chapter 3 . 7/28/2008
Aw, that was so cute! Are you planning a relationship to form between Inari and Kaus? It seems like you're hinting towards it a bit.
Man, I wish everyone on FictionPress updated as often as you...
| Sakura Camui chapter 2 . 7/24/2008
*sighs in relief* Well at least Inari doesn't want to kill him. I was worried for a second. xD And from Kirihiko's personality so far, I do conclude that he wouldn't be into women or men. It almost seems that way. Like, he's too emotionless to care about sex and just does his job. Am I off the mark? xD Well Kirihiko, prepare to be in love with a man. *evil yaoi fangirl laughter*
I am enjoying this muchly, and I got some laughs out of it as well. x3 Your characters are cute and interesting and amuse me. Chiyuu's so cute and fanboy-ish and Kirihiko is the kind of guy I love! He's so cold and dark and haha. He's the kind of guy I want to drag off to silly places and watch his reaction for amusement. I can't wait to see more of their relationship!
You like criticism so .. lemme see. On a format level: It might just be my computer but I get alot of random boxes showing up. I figured you were using them as your spacers between scenes but it showed up in the middle of a sentence and I got a little confused, lol. Plus the title of the story again in the middle of the chapter. I didn't get that either. I'm just curious btw, how old are you? It's not an insult, I love your writing style, and I'm enjoying your stories. _ Please write more soon. *begs* I need something new to follow. :)
Thank you for taking time out to read my story as well.
| blackberrydream chapter 2 . 7/23/2008
Excellent! The story is progressing! I really love Chiyuu, he's just so cute XD
| YaoiLoveQueen chapter 2 . 7/22/2008
ooh, i really like this so far. it looks like it'll be really cute!
| blackberrydream chapter 1 . 7/19/2008
I really want to see how this story turns out. Please continue I have a feeling it'll be good.