|Reviews for The Red Story|
| Rose Warne chapter 3 . 8/9/2008
I like how flat the supporting characters are... It turns the "real" world into a dystopian, very sinister and cynical setting. I hope that in the next world things are better for them!
The minor characters really make Alice and David stand out, if only for the fact we can't see any of their motives or memories. Kayla sounds like the stereotypical nimbo, and I can't help but think she might not be that popular since she's terrible enough to drive someone insane. Maria seemed to be a naive "yes girl". Her father is a cold, cold robot now. Barbie doll is a great phrase for Pricilla, I think. It shows just how fake, how processed everything about Pricilla and everything in Alice's world is. Er, at least to Alice, that is. (Yikes, please ignore me if this doesn't fit! I'm rambling!)
When Alice woke up and everything was dark, I was momentarily panicked that she died in her sleep for some inexplicable reason. Then I relaxed when it turned out she just needed a light switch. And when she did die, it came as a complete shock. I was a little uneasy as she fell, but it didn't click until the vision started dimming. I find it morbidly funny that David's last thoughts were, "I don't have any regrets" and hers was, "Aw, shit! Ai peed on the stairs!" :] Eh-heh.
Looking forward to either Ch1 pt4 or Ch2 pt1, not sure which. Dang, you paint a good grayscale picture! I plan on finding out if you're going to mix some color into the afterlife, or if there'll be deeper blacks and whites!
Signed, the Master of Tedious and Long-Winded Reviews!
| Rose Warne chapter 2 . 8/9/2008
Holy crud, poor David! I- I'm not quite sure what to say about this chapter other than... poor David! Has his mother tried to kill him before this? Does he still love her? Is he too afraid to call the police? Will Alice be asking all this when they meet up?
And does David have long hair? That's random, I know, but I was wondering if when the "hair rained down after him" the mother had nearly scalped him, or if it was just gravity that made the hair fall.
I like how you described her as his "ruined mother" with "appleflesh-white" arms. Plus her classic baddy line, "You'll pay for your insolence," made me smile the second time reading through. ...Well I thought it was ironic, is all...
And nice ominous foreshadowing on the last line. Considering how dark these first chapters (er, first parts of chapters) are, I wonder how desperate things can get!
| Rose Warne chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
M, cool start.
Er, I suppose I better nitpick, or else I'm not bringing anything new to the table! The space between the mother saying "Alice" and Alice's reaction seems a little drawn out to me. Maybe repeating "Alice" at the end of the paragraph would help?
I liked the charred coconut tree image, makes me smile. I don't know why a plastic earing would be filled with body oil, but now I want one!
Uh, what sort of trick involves giving away tickets to concerts?
And poor Alice. Either these dreams concerning her mother are too common to mention, or she isn't close enough to her best friend to confide in her (Maria is her BFF, right?) The second possibility explains why Maria has no idea what kind of music Alice likes, so I'm led down that road.
This is a short opening chapter, but with much more details on "another boring day," I'd be lulled into a false sense of normality. I wonder how this Kayla and her concert play into the story... I shall return!
| Barbados chapter 2 . 7/24/2008
First things first, this needs to be moved way up from a Teen rating. Read the ratings system and put it where it belongs.
That being said, I think part two should come before part one. It's far more exciting and commands much more attention. Also, there's nothing linking these two parts together yet - no reason why you couldn't bump this one to the front, that I can tell.
Unfortunhately (for me) it did not continue the story from part one, which is what I was hoping for. As such, both parts deserve to be fleshed out a little bit more to give them more substance.
Keep writing though, it's the only way to improve!
| Barbados chapter 1 . 7/24/2008
Heya... Let's go!
Consider revising 'sweating hard' into either breathing hard or sweating profusely. Sweating hard just doens't sound right... to me, anyway.
Other than that, you had some really vivid scenes, such as the opening couple sentences.
It was really short which, for this format, isn't such a bad thing - although this was perhaps a bit too short.
The result is decently written, but mostly uninteresting. There's a little bit of mystery surrounding the mother, but not enough to grip me.
I'm going to read over chapter one part two and see what happens.
| Koki Enwai chapter 2 . 7/24/2008
Um, that was a bit weird. . . David's interaction with his mom didn't seem that believable, even if she was drunk. . .
The end was intriguing, though. I'm eager to see where it's headed.