Reviews for Miakoda
Fractured Illusion chapter 1 . 11/12/2008
A belated Review Game Birthday Review to you :) Me and my fellow mods thank you for your participation in our forum. Big thanks! D

"giving Elita an almost eerie look"

- What do you mean eerie? I cannot really picture it, I think this is one of those times you should describe more in detail. To me this is one of those "shallow" descriptions that tell nothing. Like "She looked mysterious" type of description.

"said in a monotonous tone and with fake enthusiasm"

- This is contradictory and I cannot picture it. Monotone is speaking without any change in the voice, but faking enthusiasm is animated.

Aside from that, I think you have an interesting premise and a good opening. It's an ominous start which draws the reader in and makes them care. Also I liked how the queen had such an ability to recognize who is coming. and that she was right every time (and she doesnt seem cocky either). I find that I enjoy mature, and skilled women characters :)

Toward the ending there was too much telling and fact-dropping. Perhaps you should let this show more naturally through the story? It's a bit too much in the first chapter.

- Frac
Widdershin Wizard chapter 8 . 10/13/2008
A long read. I suppose I ought to have reviewed after each chapter, but I felt like doing otherwise, and as such, my review shall suffer, I fear. But, so be it.

I will start off by saying that I enjoy the characters immensely. Your fellow RPers certainly did a good job with many of them, though some have turned out, if nothing else, a bit cliché. One thing that I find rather annoying is the integration of each character's viewpoints. I understand that you are trying to keep things as they were, for the most part, originally posted, but, at the same time, it feels like you're jumping around between characters a bit much. When one reads a story, regardless of its origins, they shouldn't be able to tell that it was pieced together from an RP. I would suggest focusing instead on events from a single character's point of view. We, the readers, probably don't need to be privy to every thought in every characters mind. This would also help to make characters stand out more.

Another thing that sticks out to me is the cliché-ness of the story and setting as a whole. An evil king who is evil and called Darkhand and served by a kind of demon with death in its species name? Really? I will admit, we all enjoy a good read where the good guys are clearly good, the bad guys clearly bad, and there's no ambiguity about it at all - but, I would contend, it takes a lot of skill to pull that off whilst still seeming genuine, sincere, etc., and creating a story that still pushes us to uncertainty and doubt. For example, Malador burns an entire town and kills most of its inhabitants: why? He makes a deal with demons: why? He rules over an entire half of a kingdom, presumably with all the trappings of a demon-influenced bad guy, but there's no refugees, no civil unrest, etc.: why? Granted you haven't introduced us to that side of Miakoda, but still.

Another thing that creeps into mind is, as others have mentioned, the dialogue. It does feel forced at times. I think it has gotten better over the past few chapters, but still, some parts make me think who ever was role-playing that character took out a theasaurus and picked whatever word was the most florid substitute. Parts of the description feel like that, too. I would provide more solid examples, but, as I mentioned, I read this through two sittings today, with half an essay thrown in between, so... Really, I would suggest a more thorough editting job of the original rp posts, or however it is that you're piecing this together.

An interesting story, still. I shall remain as loyal and faithful a reader as I can.
Kneecap chapter 1 . 10/9/2008
Review Game :D.

In terms of character description: I know it's fantasy and the characters aren't meant to be realistic, but even if you weren't to give your characters any flaws, you could at least describe something less mundane about their appearance. Hair, eyes, body shape and height are so bland, what about something a little unusual? Like maybe a scar on her eyebrow which makes them uneven? Or a mole on her chin or something? I thought the character decriptions were overly cliched, and it didn't do much for me D:

Attention to detail and setting wasn't bad at all though :). I particularly liked the use of some of the more powerful adjectives.

The writing style itself was very...hmm, typical of the genre. In terms of conformity to the genre and playing by the rules, yes, you did that well, but the effect didn't make your piece stand out much from thousands of other fantasy stories :s.

""That it is," Mei said in a monotonous tone and with fake enthusiasm." - paradox anyone? Juxtaposition is good if you're trying to make a point, but when you put two opposites together like that, one to back up the other, the result is jarring. In other words: that line doesn't make sense.

Also: the dialogue was a bit stale. It's so overtly fantasy dialogue that it put me off it. These are just my opinions though, and I'm well aware that for a fantasy piece of writing, this is what people expect to read, so you've done well :), I'm just more of a realist author and even when things are surreal, I like there to be touches of reality involved.

The plot was also kind of predictable. I could tell there'd be some nasty vagabond who'd come bustling up, arrogant as ever and he'd be super powerful and magic-y etc. I guess these types of stories just aren't for me?

The flow of your story is quite powerful though, and if you were writing something else, I think I might have appreciated it more :D.
Musa Hawk chapter 1 . 10/8/2008
I like it
groovi-gal-numba1 chapter 1 . 9/14/2008
i see what you mean about alot of information. but its all good.

be careful about where you use itatlics. I think when you're using italics for thoughts you should do it on an entirely new line. at some places it wasn't appropriate.

the beginning didn't grip me as well as i would have liked. you may wanna go back and think about how you can do that better.

More action, more dialouge and less description is needed, just as a general rule for the chapter. It will make it more fun for the audience to read.

but the world you and your forum buddies have created is cool - nice plot, nice characters, good story. i enjoyed it :D

xoxox groovi
cancelled chapter 1 . 8/16/2008
Great first chapter. It was informative and sets up the rest of the story, and you fit a lot of background info into it.

The dialogue was a a tiny bit flowery, but it fits in with the fantasy setting. You may want to work on making it sound just a little more natural.

I can tell there's a possibility for great plot-development here. In fact, I'm usually not a fan of fantasy, but your story is interesting enough for me to want to keep reading. I'll come back to read the next chapter tomorrow, when I'm not as tired. :)
Happy Pappy chapter 1 . 8/16/2008
It was a nice beginning. I like how you didn't assault the reader with information and descriptions as a lot of stories set in other worlds do. A lot of stories come right off the bat and blatantly describe the entire globe and it's races and everything. I like how you just throw in little bits of description every now and then, enough to paint the reader a picture while also keeping them interested and not boring them.

However, a little more character description would definatly not hurt things. I found it somewhat difficult to picture the characters as they interacted so some more description in that area would definatly help things also.

It seems to me like you have a firm hold on the story and you know where the plot is going. You have a goal you are aiming for and know how to get there which is very good and a good story needs direction.

The one main problem I saw was your dialouge. It lacked realism and sounded 'forced' to me. It just needs to be looser and flow well, just so that it sounds more personal and realistic. I hope I'm making some sort of sense here. /

Anyways, once again it was a good beginning. I like how things actually happened as a lot of opening chapters are nothing but boring filler stuff. So, good job and keep it up!
LadyGawain chapter 2 . 7/25/2008
I love how you incooperated all of the stories so seamlessly! Keep updating _~ lolz
Zippus chapter 1 . 7/24/2008
Oh wow, this certainly does seem contrived from an RP session XD, very nice! I loved your description and you had some awesome dialogue in there. i'd like to read some more, so if you would please, update? well, i'll be back in to check it out!