|Reviews for The Dream!|
| LeChem chapter 1 . 7/24/2008
If this is a continuation of the first, why make it a different story? Just add it as a new chapter to the first one. And try to upload it again because it is all in one big paragraph that makes it very confusing.
To start, I wouldn't begin it with "The dream went like this:" You need to find a better way to state that what is occuring is a dream, and it isn't the best to begin with flat out saying 'this is a dream.' Like in the first one, you could just begin it and later illustrate the fact that the scene is being dreamt by your character.
You need to explain what is happening more. Half the time I wasn't exactly sure what they were talking about or why they were there. I had no idea why the men showed up or why they seemed to have disappeared at the end, even if you didn't mean to make it that way. I thought the leopard, though she has an interesting personality, should be developed more. Animals, I think, when they're personified like that, should have different ways of seeing things, seeing as their perspective is completely different from that of a human.
Work on your grammar and your punctuation, because that was another thing that made it hard to read.
I think your story idea is incredibly intriguing and I'd love for you to continue, but I suggest a rewrite of these first two chapters. But that's up to you. I'm just a reader...
| S. M. Saves chapter 1 . 7/24/2008
The major thing that this piece needs is paragraphs! Absolutely must be divided up into paragraphs. It's so hard to read when it's bunched together as it is.
The descriptions are a bit awkward. "Craft made"? Do you mean "hand made" or "hand crafted"? You also tend to describe things with "as if" and "seemed like". "They were in what seemed like a little wooden cottage", well are they or are they not? After a while, I got the feeling that the speaker had not clue what was going on.
"Un-noticed"? Try "undetected".
Try to go through this piece again and smooth everything out so it flows better. You have the story, you just need to find a better way to tell it.