Reviews for consumed by the blood and the lies
Caecilia chapter 1 . 10/26/2008
I swear I've read and reviewed this before, but apparently I haven't...

Bonus points for using [malefic] I don't think I've ever run across that in a poem.

Spacing [one after a nother] in different lines really makes it pop out.

Amazing poem. Absolutely horrifying. and with such splendid imagery.

Great job.

Caecilia
Kirrithian chapter 1 . 10/3/2008
Freebie review

You've got some good imagery here- I liked how I could really see the vampire

Capitals. One thing that really bugs me and in my opinion detracts from the piece. Each line needs to start with a capital- it should be easy to make a quick edit to do this- it would greatly improve the presentation of the poem.

Also capitalise in the title- again gives a better presentation to the people who might read this.

One last suggestion- When you capitalise the title you might want to shorten it, e.g Consumed by Blood and Lies- It is pretty much the same, but hooks readers more easily - gets them asking why.

A good piece writing.

-Kirrithian
Thoughtful Silence chapter 1 . 8/15/2008
I loved the initial description in this, it was a nice meld of sinister and enticement... if that makes sense. 'Roughened over eternity' was a nice line.

I don't think 'kind of' really reflected this concept of 'malefic/ allure'.

"One/ after/ a/ nother" I really liked the format of this, though I think the word 'another' should be on the same line for syntax's sake.

Some of the descriptions you have are very good. They are vivid, and work well, not to mention are original (which is rare to see on FP sometimes).

The ending was a perfect summation of the piece. Kudos.

Anyways, keep up the good work.

- Silence, courtesy of The Roadhouse.
criti-sized chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
Awesome poem. At first from the summary I expected somethig else, something that had to really do with vampires, but it did in a round about way.

[I am as close to you,

as your teeth to my neck, but darling,

my blood will never be as sweet as the

sugar in my tea, or the devils

meat stuck between your

back teeth.]

I really like that part and how it carries a sort of hypocritical bit to it as well.

[The shadows don't lie,

but you can.]

And the intense truth in these two lines are nice.

C.S.
heart shaped box x3 chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
It was a nice poem, I like how it was about vampires. Though, the flow didn't seem right to me. I also didn't care much for how the stanzas were set up, but thats just my opinion. I do love your use of description though, its quite unique.

Keep on writing

-Drea {heart shaped box}
Chidori Nadare chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
From the title itself, I assumed of something gory and scary. And now that I read this, I can safely say that this is a descriptive poem written in a twisted gory fairytale aesthetic. So...

"It is your elongated fingernails,

cracked on the edges and

roughened over eternity,

that beckons with a kind of malefic

allure. They curl,

one

after

a

nother,

fisting the air, and piercing the

behinds of your wrists

with the sharpened knives that

lie on your nail beds. They are

almost as sharp as canines embedded

on your blackened gums, that glimmer

with saliva as you flick your serpent tongue."

...the first stanza kicks ass (that's one way to describe it). It seems to imply a torture to someone(the narrator). The way you write it makes me think of that the "you" character is indeed torturing the narrator. Maybe?

"I am as close to you,

as your teeth to my neck, but darling,

my blood will never be as sweet as the

sugar in my tea, or the devils

meat stuck between your

back teeth."

I can say that this is my favorite for a number of reasons. Firstly, the fact that the images are so vivid but these images seems to be light and dark juxtaposed within one another. Then, there's that longing tone from the narrator ("I") especially in "I am as close to you, as your teeth to my neck, but darling, my blood will never be as sweet as the sugar in my tea..." And, I find these to be the most solid part of the poem. Seems to be romantic, in a way.

"The blood wil p,

but your mirrored reflection in the

window will expose

the secrets you hide."

I like the effect o p. It made the imagery more realistic. Although I would prefer that the word itself is in italics (still with the spaces) because it would make the description even more real. Is it about something like that a person cannot hide from his/her own self? Perhaps.

"The shadows don't lie,

but you can."

A pretty good closer, I must say. You made ended the poem in two lines, as simple as that. I actually like the simplicity of this, somehow. It seems to be about that a person can lie all he/she wants but then someone/something will know the truth (or a person cannot hide the truth).

Well, I actually do not see that much vampire poetry or inspired by one around here. Speaking of inspired, in your a/n, you said this was inspired by Dracula but I also see a "Carmilla" (by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu) influence too (but then Dracula was inspired by this novella).

I find this take to vampires quite original but (as one reviewer said) still manages to be spooky. Certainly one of the better poems I read these days at FP.

-Chidori Nadare [from the Roadhouse]
heart'sespionage chapter 1 . 8/5/2008
the first stanza kicks ass! great job!
she smolders chapter 1 . 7/29/2008
These two lines, "I am as close to you,/as your teeth to my neck" were just gorgeous and oh so sensual. Good job on this.
eamane tinuviel chapter 1 . 7/26/2008
goodness. talk about shivers down my back

but they're good shivers - REALLY good ones.

even before reading your author's note, i had a feeling this poem was about, if not dracula himself, a vampire. i like how you approached the subject. it's original, but still skin-crawlingly spooky.

the way you set up the line breaks is very unique, but it works for this piece, especially lines 5 through 9.

the stanzas were also organized well, so i commend you for that.

oh! major props also on your similes and metaphors. i especially liked: "They are/almost as sharp as canines embedded/

on your blackened gums, that glimmer/with saliva as you flick your serpent tongue"

the ending was genius and really hit the point.

overall, awesome job _