this is really, really good! i love it! :)

The story line is good. I like your main character.

You have some grammatical errors and stuff like that, but overall its still good. The only advice I can give you is to pay more attention to your grammar and spelling.

Hope to hear more though.

Ooh. . .!

Fantastic start. I love the concept of this.

Looking forward to more!

- Koki