|Reviews for Elysium|
| Jesse the Storyteller chapter 1 . 8/19/2008
"I gurgle / Not infant-" I don't quite understand this here, haha. Do you mean "not an infant?" or were the dashes supposed to imply that that isn't the whole line?
I think in this line "Bursting and plopping across itself" plopping isn't a good word to use - it's too comical.
I love the line "Trying to propel across its skinny limbs" since it's lovely personification - the idea of a river with limbs. Interesting :D
"Riding itself" is another nice word choice - offers a fresh image :D
"Eating cliffs and licking babies" This is such a weird way to word this. "licking babies" sounds peodfile-ish. I don't like it at all, especially since it's paired with a negative image - that of the cliffs being destroyed by the water.
Your poem could do with a lot of punctuation. :P
"And women shuffle looking among the graves / For seashells and sand dollars". This is a lovely creepy haunting image. Very nice.
From the line "And women shuffled..." and onwards, including the part about the man and young woman with the polished rocks and the stretch between heaven and hell becomes ambiguous. I was following you until here... and now I'm lost. Usually I'm all for being vague and mysterious in poetry, but some clarity would be very useful here. :D
The 2nd to last stanza is lovely. I can't really define why. I like that it starts with "And", as if it were just a follow-up summary to the rest of the poem or something. I like it better than the last stanza and feel like it would make a better ending, but it's your poem so enjoy it.
I really liked this poem. It has a lot of original images in it, even though parts were confusing. It's still a very pretty poem. :D
| SirScott chapter 1 . 8/2/2008
Beautiful poem. I loved the lines:
And women shuffle looking among the graves
For seashells and sand dollars
Worth more than the currency tucked inside their purses
Keep up the good work.
| Johanna's mirror chapter 1 . 7/28/2008
You took my words away, you lovely, lovely poet.
| Ernest Bloom chapter 1 . 7/28/2008
I gurgle/Not infant-: Huh? Unnecessary, distracting opening, I'd say.
it's it is; not the possessive "its"
lover's possessive of a single lover, not plural of lover
mother's possessive of a single mother, not plural of mother
Disagreement in number: like rivers [plural] in Oregon...propel across its [singular] limbs. "Rivers" has become a single "river."
Hard to conceive of rocks being thinned out or water being spread apart; I think I grasp your intent, but I don't think your words capture your intent with precision.
"Eating cliffs and licking babies" is jarring. First, I can't tell if you're still a river or now the ocean; oceans are better at eating cliffs than are rivers. And where'd those babies come from all of a sudden? Still, better than "Licking cliffs and eating babies."
Graves...seashells...sand dollars: bad, bad idea to locate a cemetery on the seashore.
Still, at least you're working in solid images, and your poem has a point, even if you're not quite conveying it yet, which puts you far beyond most wordsmiths hacking at FictionPress.
| ShockingReality chapter 1 . 7/28/2008
I really, really liked it! there were a couple of grammar mistakes that I noticed, but it was still amazing. I like the word choice. the last stanza i particularly liked; i even repeated it out loud. great job!