Reviews for Cat Wind
defunct account 101521 chapter 2 . 8/19/2008
Review game! This is my first review in awhile, so I may be rusty... I read the prologue, and it's actually more of a first chapter if you ask me. Too long to be a prologue unless you're insane like Tolkien.

Dialogue- The dialogue seems perfectly natural, which is something I can appreciate, since dialogue is one of the most important elements in a story. I especially like how Catherine had wanted to address everyone and when she got the chance thanks to Kitty, she was so hesitant and like, "What do I say...?". Anyone planning to address a crazy cafeteria in school should be nervous, and very, very afraid.

Spelling/Grammar- First paragraph, 'that LAY ahead'. The key to knowing which to use is 'things lay, people lie'. That's all I'm spotting right away. I don't know if this fits into this category, but I think it does- you don't need the hyphen after B when you're talking about Kitty's science grade... Other than that, I think you're good.

Enjoyment- I hate to say it, but I don't like it. Nothing about it pulled me into the story, or made me want to keep reading at all. I'm not a mean person, so I won't be, but I sort of got frustrated and tired of it somewhere along the way of checking out your prologue. I have to review honestly, and honestly, the story doesn't agree with me.

Plot- Uhm, what is the plot? I get that there is something seriously screwed up about this Trude guy, but what is the entire point of the story? Where is it going, is it supposed to be confusing, and just in general, what is going on? I just don't understand what the meaning of any of it is, or if Trude is actually evil or anything.

Pace- I think this moves WAY too fast. In the prologue you're jumping around a bit, completely skipping over bascially the entire first semester. Then after that, you move ahead another two weeks between that and the next chapter. You have to give people time to develop something to feel towards your characters, and you're not giving a chance for us to get to know them.

So this is Era of the RG, having been very honest...and going away now...
vrivasfl chapter 4 . 8/14/2008
I fairly sure that chapter has yet to be reviewed. If I'm wrong, I'm sorry. This was the next chapter on the road, anyways. I thought the previous chapter was wild, and not in a good way. This chapter, for the most part at least, seems to make up for it as it continues to revelations in a calmer sense. The pace was a calming change of pace, which I greatly enjoyed.

The characters are much better this time around as well. Kitty at Catherine are much more interesting now that they have a set mission and they not just running around trying to avoid expulsion. Now I actually care what they're doing as apposed to previously where I couldn't have cared less.

And the plot. Well, I didn't really think there was one previously. On top of that, it looked like you shoehorned a plot in with Mr. Black revelation. However, you managed to bump back up from that faux pas and the plot is actually interesting now. You have a puzzle that apparently lasts three chapters and I can't figure it out. I hope to be pleasantly surprised.

The relationship between Cat and Kitty vastly improved. While Kitty's suicidal tendencies came out of left field and I still don't really care for it, the flashback to the backpack thing was welcome because I got a better feel for their friendship.

All in all, this chapter is the turning point in my opinion. Now there's an actual mission instead of just seemingly random events. I preferred this chapter so much more than the previous ones.
Alaxe chapter 1 . 8/13/2008
I like your writing style, the beginning was totally interest catching, and i can totally relate to the feeding of a cat... You seem to have a knack for details, which is good because it helps paint a picture for the reader, however sometimes you don't choose the right words or give us the details in a supercilious, jumpy manner. And example of not using the right words would be when you are describing K, at first you make it sound like she is the outcast and Cat is the totally popular fashion observant one when you say "Kitty was not a beauty queen, but that didn't matter to Catherine." then you make it clear that she is the ever popular one who is into gossip and such. You could of worded it better and got your point across more clearly if you said something along the lines of "Kitty wasn't always that much of a beauty queen, but that didn't matter to Catherine or the many other girls at school, who always seemed to surround Kitty..." Then go into preschool thing and how Catherine was/is favorite.

You should also try to pay attention to the pace you are giving to the story, this chapter seems rushed, and too quick. You seem to jump from one subject to the next, not giving anything full closure, making the reader (me at least) feel like the part they read is either a) not important enough to have page time or b)not relevant to the story (sort of like a, but more drastic, like its just filler, which isn't good in the beginning of a story.

I like you characters you seem rather good at developing them, and I have the feeling that soon the reader(s) will feel like they have known Cat/Kitty since preschool, or Ms. Horsewater is their own teacher, good job.

As for the plot, I can't really tell where you are going from here, but through the writing it sounds like you are confident so therefore as a reader i am trusting that the plot and following story will be wonderful.

Hmm, other than that-I like what you are doing, and you should definitely continue this story, you are to a great start!
LiberryBooked chapter 7 . 8/13/2008
I'm not sure if this chapter was meant to be confusing or if I was just confused by it, but Anubis came from nowhere and started talking to Bastet about his son. I'm wondering if I needed to know stuff about the Egyptian gods and goddesses to understand or whether it will be explained later on.

You do a good job of portraying Mr. Trude as evil, but is he suppose to be as flat as he is? Is he just evil for the sake of being evil or is there some logic behind the madness?

~Liberry

P.S. And don't be mistaken. I really like this piece and I'm pointing these things out because I think you could make it even awesomer
HannaThing chapter 1 . 8/13/2008
AS I read this, I tried to remember my own days in 8th grade, and I realized, I can't remember. (I'm not that old!) I find Catherine a little hard to believe as a character. Most 12 and 13 years olds aren't that intellectual, or mature. I love the descriptiveness of this piece, yet I have problems at the same time. It's too descriptive at points. Do we honestly need to know about the 29th step (where she stopped), and my mental image lacks. How far up in the 29th step? Maybe a simple "half way to the top", and "almost to the top" would suffice.

Besides those small things, I love this. I only read the first chapter though. Maybe if I have time later, I'll be able to finish.
LiberryBooked chapter 6 . 8/13/2008
Maybe it was just me but the girls logic was confusing. It was like they knew what it was suppose to say in advance so they were just trying to end up with that if you know what I mean. But then again I know how difficult it is to come up with a puzzle on your own in general, and you did a very good job doing exactly that.

Maybe try and make it a little more difficult for the girls to figure out the puzzle? It seems almost a little to easy.

~Liberry
LiberryBooked chapter 3 . 8/13/2008
The first thing that kind of caught my attention was how in the second line you say that the school had undergone disappearances, and to me that just sounds odd. I'm not too sure what you would change it to though...

The teacher's nickname (Mr. Monotone?) is creative, but the way you inserted it into the story it sounds as though it was a misspelling more than anything else. Maybe mention how the whole school called him that or something?

Do schools have knives?

:) I think my favorite part of your writing is your descriptions. They're really creative and get the point across in a unique way.

~Liberry
LiberryBooked chapter 2 . 8/13/2008
I thought it was cute how the two best friends have sort of connected names ( Cat and Kitty), it shows you actually put thought into it and it came out well.

I didn't like the fact that you mentioned Kitty's fear of public speaking. It sounded random and unnecessary. You could either refer to it at another point in the story to make it sound like it has some purpose in being there, or if you wanted you could get rid of it altogether, but how it is right now it sounds strange.

~Liberry
Ellison P. Asantewa chapter 1 . 8/12/2008
okay so i attempted to read this and got bored. it felt like i was reading a list. the intro chapter needs to go.

yeah...
KnittingKneedle chapter 1 . 8/12/2008
Hi, I suppose I owe you a review.

Already I'm an idiot because I have no clue what media res is. Oh, thanks wikipedia- and I think it's quite a good technique to draw people in. Though I have to say this moves a little too quickly, it's jumping all over the place, which is fine for a movie but novelists tend to take a little more time to establish characters and setting

You may need to re-check grammar because a few of the sentances dont make sense either

Perhaps opposites did attract, even not in the world of magnets, she thought intellectually doesnt really make the world of sense to me

I liked the foreshadowing with the heiroglyphs and I have to admit I'm way out of my depth when it comes to fanatasy so anyone who can pull it off well has my respect!
LiberryBooked chapter 10 . 8/12/2008
As gory as it was I think you did a very good job at describing the corpses, well Kitty's in particular.

But the way that you described Anubis, and his actions was over the top. It almost came across as humorous instead of scary. Maybe toning it down a little would help.

-Liberry
concerto49 chapter 1 . 8/12/2008
The characterization was nice in that you tried to show how they relate and put some uniqueness in the characters to make them stand out. Ah zero period - well we call it morning class here. It's something I think you should explain as part of the story though - just so no one will miss it. A bit slow, the the fantasy and other elements do start to kick in and the story gets a lot more exciting. Perhaps you purposely decided to pull a surprise as it was a bit unexpected.

The downside I found was that the descriptions about the character relationships, and the characters in general were generally 'info dumps' in a way. I mean what you should really do is portray out what happens, such as when you've said they were best friends since and the reasons they've dressed that way... it's something you should show maybe in a scene, conversation, or by noticing their actions. This adds more power and believability as to simply stating it.

On that note, the description felt isolated, especially the character description - it's as though the story stops and dedicates a whole section on describing their looks as such. That gets in the way of the flow and stops the pace.
Serenity Takaishi chapter 5 . 8/9/2008
i love the idea of the story, very orginal (: haha and the basket and two voice, love it!

i didn't like so much how you could connect your senteces, but made new ones... they were too short of senteces!
Camren chapter 9 . 8/9/2008
I liked the last alternate ending the best. :) You're sotry turned out well. It was an interesting idea and you carried it out well. There were a few grammar mistakes but other than that it was good. Great job!
LeonAle chapter 2 . 8/9/2008
For Chapter 2, I did not find the plot to be too complicated. It was basically the struggle between good and evil (Catherine vs. Mr. Trude), though some problems arise, such as getting the students to listen, that makes the story overall a bit more interesting.

Thus, my enjoyment for this chapter was mediocre, but I was intrigued when the teacher started sending kids to detention for the smallest of abuses. Maybe Catherine and Kitty will find out just what goes on in the teacher's room (I mean, specifically, we already know that he mangles and eats them).

The characters were fine for me, and I especially was interested by Kitty because of her fear of public speaking. I liked that she tried to get everyone to listen for her friends' sake, which also meant overcoming her fear. That kind of development is really well done and can help to make each chapter more worthwhile.

Probably the best part about the story was the dialogue between the characters. It's effective how you used the short, loud exclamations in Mr. Trude's speech to explain his personality. The screaming and brief conversation between other characters was also good enough.

Overall, I have to stay the story has potential to become even more interesting, and hopefully you can develop more some of your weak points in order to create a all-around better story (tho it was still good!)
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