|Reviews for As The Memories Move|
| Amethystars chapter 1 . 7/24/2009
Seriously twisted character, seriously good writing, seriously good story!
| ArchDemonNotion chapter 1 . 10/5/2008
restraints aren't capable of being unforgiving.
Restraints can be cold, hard and unbreakable but they have no minds.
At first he chortles then it becomes a low malevolent laugh? which is it?
"...dizzying her momentarily as this was the fastest movement she had made in days."
You can omit this without worry. It takes away from the pace of this story and her reply would be more immediate.
Her head sprung up.
"Wha-what?" choose either an exclamation or question mark. A more informal solution is the Interrobang. Ask yourself if it's more of a question or a surprised reaction. To me, the statement in context seems like an accusation towards the wizard. What! as in 'no way possible!'
I find it hard to believe that she gets no trial. COuldn't the workers also see her memories of WHAT JUST HAPPENED? the wizard didn't erase any of those memories. Or do the workers only look for certain memories?
I liked it.
| xGekkeiju chapter 1 . 8/5/2008
Oh Holli, you spoil me! Did I tell you I was a sucker for a good fantasy tale? Well, I am. And you had me hooked on every word of this creepy, twisted one-shot.
Even in such a small amount of words, you've created a world where memories can be transferred and rummaged through by others. The idea is chilling - I'm surprised you didn't think of it after waking up from a nightmare or something. The descriptions are very raw and blunt: a good choice of tone for such a piece. You handled the bursts of memories very well, secluding them with italics and empowering them with ellipses. The concept is also rather original, as it is in most of your work. You have one heck of an imagination!
The only criticism I have is that you might have wanted to add a little bit more to it. You have a sort of skeletal structure of a story; perhaps you should have elaborated on the girl's relationship with the wizard a bit more. Why did he choose her to bear the memories? How had she been captured? However, for the most part, the need-to-know tone of the piece worked well. It was good that you omitted the reason the wizard wanted to kill off his family. It was good that you didn't overstate the magic in the situation - because what descriptions you had for that was sufficient, and providing any more would have distracted from the story. You made some excellent decisions, and I commend you for the result. The story is simply enthralling!
Thanks for another good read, Holli. Just tell me what you like so I can write you something in return! Hopefully it'll be half as good as this. (:
| chartonjeremiah chapter 1 . 8/3/2008
The atmosphere of the piece was very good. I agree in that there may have been a little more description but I really enjoyed it. Quite a story to come to you when you're in bed!
| l3g3nd chapter 1 . 8/1/2008
Wow, truly evil one-shot. Poor girl there. :(
I have just a minor complaint.
[“They’ll be here any minute. I can feel them!” the wizard whispered, closing his eyes and drawing in a long breath as he sensed them getting near.]
You've mentioned their presence through the dialog, and I don't think there'll be the need to repeat it again in the narrative notes.
Apart from that, well done!
| SilverTwilight chapter 1 . 7/31/2008
Very creepy...I especially like the angle you took on the wizard, how he wasn't all old and wise as they're usually portrayed. I think you could add a few more details to make the scene even more powerful, but in general, really well done.