|Reviews for Picnic of Doom|
| jim davis chapter 1 . 1/8/2014
A resounding SLAP halts the singing. Everyone's eyes turn to watch as Miss Vili, the Sunday school teacher, grabs a boy's ear. "Ow beeyatch!" The boy cries, covering it up with, "Bees match…my outfit!"
"Cheeky ah?" Miss Vili it growls as she pulls out the fusi-pa'u, the belt- or as the kids like to refer to it as- the punisher.
"No." His brown eyes widen, holy shit not the punisher.
"Then why you not sing?" As she says this her arm raises, ready to strike the poor boy down- however just as she goes to hit him a huge raptor swoops down from the air, screeching loudly. A shadow is cast upon everyone, the Raptor is huge, as mentioned earlier. Emphasis on the huge.
"AH! What IS THAT?!" Someone yells, but no one answers as pandemonium ensues.
"KAAAAAAAH!" The raptor screeches, it's lizard like body swooping threateningly close to the children. Miss Vili looks up, her goat-like face the picture of horror. The punisher falls to the ground.
"Darkness!" Someone screams, just as the skies begin to cloud over.
"I am… Elipsis!" The raptor screeches, this time the people can understand it's screeching. "KAAAAAAH… Elipsis!"
Jess raises her head from amongst the ten year olds, "Amanda? Is that you?" She stands up on the park bench to be able to see, noticing that she's on what can be called a makeshift stage she begins singing.
"Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, she took the midnight train going anywheeerrreee!"
"Jess this isn't the time or place." Someone tries to stop her but Jessica pushes her glasses up, hitches her chin up higher and keeps going.
"Streetlights, people! Looking just to find emotion, hiding somewhere in the niiiiight!" Some of the Raptors stop screeching. But nobody notices, too busy trying to get Jess to stop singing.
"Don't stop believin! Hold on to that feeeeelin!" She begins to dance, some of the raptors, for more had come screeching over form the Waitakere Ranges; where all the beasts live, began to crash themselves into the ground. Heather appears from behind a tree, where she'd been 'building a habitat for humanity',
"Jessica? OH MY GOD DARKNESS!" She stops, scratches her head as she hears,
"Jessica! Run! Darkness!" Amanda emerges from the bushes where she was relieving herself of sudden and rather explosive diarrhea, Heather does a double take.
"Manda! What the, why are we here?" She looks around, "And surrounded by a bunch of screaming brown kids?"
Mata emerges from a cardboard box where she'd been sleeping. "What the fuck is going on?" She grumbles, "Can't a nigga get a little peace?" Her eyes grow wide as she sees the Raptor take off with Miss Vilis' body in its mouth, its ears bleeding.
Jessica, who hasn't heard any of them try to stop her from singing and dancing jumps from the bench hoping to audience surf. It's a fail as no one catches her.
She lands at Mata's feet, "Jess? Weren't you banned from here, they got a restraining order put on you," looking up Mata notices Amanda and Heather, "what the…. Manda… you uh- need to pull up your pants."
"Don't question me!" Amanda snaps, pulling her pants up. No one else notices as they're all too busy running around avoiding even MORE raptors.
"Heather, what is going on?" Mata bypasses Jess who's trying to pick herself up off the floor but failing, and rushes towards Heather and Amanda tripping over her own feet, as she makes to stand up she is attacked by a raptor- she turns to swipe at it to find that it's the mother of all Raptors. Shit it's Elipsis come back for more.
"Oh HELL nah, there will be no killing of Mata today!" she exclaims and tries to run, but trips over Jessica who's now lying in fetal position, rocking back and forth mumbling to herself.
"Rule number one Bros before hos, bros before hos." Mata stands up, her face the picture of disgust as she glares down at the pathietic puddle that is Jess.
"Woman, we're under attack, get yourself together!" Heather runs up to stand beside Mata, grass stains all over her clothes, smelling pungently of some substance that Mata can't quite put her finger on.
"Aw bro- I'm … what's that word? I um- Jess man, geddup poff up da floor." Heather's words aren't very coherent and she comes off sounding a little like a fob.
"Jessica! Get up. I command you!" Amanda, in all her Fuhrer glory stands tall. Her arm extends out in a salute to her own greatness. Mata makes a 'wtf' look at Heather who gives her the wide 'idk' look.
"Oooh, Manda- Jessica's lying on the floor. Oh my god, and there's a raptor, you should revoke its privileges!" Luisa's high pitched voice is heard as she comes tittering over like the tattle-tale she is. "Oh my god, Amanda- Heather smells like mari-jew-ana!"
Amanda halts from her trying to drag Jessica up from her fetal position on the floor. She slowly turns towards Heather, whilst everything is in chaos Amanda is keen on making sure her charges don't get led astray. She walks towards Heather, narrowly missing a claw to the face by a raptor, "Heeeeeathaaaaar?" in that deadly voice, which could stop Death in its tracks. Her eyes are beaded, but Heather distracts her by pointing at a tree and saying "Darkness!" before running to stand behind Jess, who's now quietly singing to herself.
A raptor, whose wings create phenomenal gusts of wind, comes flinchingly close to them but as it comes within earshot of Jess's singing it screeches horribly and tries to flap away from the sound. Luisa's NOW complaining about Jessica's singing, her voice whiny and loud as she whines, "Maaanda," she whines, "Maaaaaanda," and whines… "Manda, Jessica is singing! Revoke her chair priveleges! You revoke mine ALL the time!"
"Luisa, she's on the floor, how can-" Mata scratches her head in confusion.
"Shut up Matahtah." Luisa snaps, "Just go- back to the streets of Avondale. Jess your singing's so bad that the raptors can't stand it."
Mata stops pulling out her [water] gun to waste Luisa as Luisa's words sink in. "Holy shit, say that again?" Luisa blinks,
"Your hair is ridiculous." Mata moves to self-consciously smooth her fringe down but stops,
"No, about Jess's singing." Amanda seems to have caught on too as another raptor goes in for the kill [Jess] but screeches and deflects itself mid strike, this time flying right into a tree, killing itself instantly.
The place is empty, save for the dead and the six of them. Like it'd been through Armageddon. A raptor screeches towards them but claws it's ears as it gets close enough to hear the quiet singing of Jessica.
"Oh my god, Jess shut UP!" Luisa, Jess stops singing. The raptors, with renewed rigour surge toward them.
"I don't wanna die!?" Mata cries, before diving towards the punisher which she spies lying on the ground, as she grabs hold of it it changes into Excaliber! She holds the sword, which is taller than her, up.
"You look like a hobit." Manda laughs, snorting.
"This isn't the time for jokes mein fuhrer," Mata replies, she turns on a raptor and tries to lodge the sword into it's belly- but the raptor's too fast and strong, snatching at the blade with it's beak and shattering it.
"Oh shit, we're d-d-d-d-doomed." Mata says forlornly, as the raptors, not at all pleased that one of the meat bags tried to poke them with a stick.
"Way to go Mata, that's why you don't poke things with swords that are taller than you. Just because it's long doesn't mean it works." Amanda hisses, afraid not to make any sudden movements or noises, however Heather, pipes up at the end of Amanda's scold.
"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! Yeah, give me some!" She holds up her fist for a fist bump, but no one reciprocates the bump. How could they when she's just made all the raptors, who hate 'that's what she said' jokes, mad?! Because they don't get jokes, especially Jess's jokes, they failed to laugh at Jess's singing. Of course because it killed them, and then it hit Mata.
"Jess, sing!" Mata blurted,
"What?" Heather looks confused,
"Sing Jess!" Amanda urges on, on the same page as Mata.
"Yeah sing!" Heather chimes in still confused,
Luisa is eating a sandwich, which she bought from work. "Sing Dipinti." She says with her mouth full.
"But it's against the rules." Jess says in a small voice, picking herself up off the ground now.
"And what's rule number one?" Amanda asks,
"Amanda is all powerful." Jess says,
"So do as I say, sing." Amanda pushes Jess forward, like Bambi's mum did to Bambi before Bambi's mum got shot by the poachers.
"Yeah, that raptor doesn't get your joke Jess." Mata adds in to fuel Jess's singing fire,
"I'm a fucking kill it." Jess says, determined, before standing as tall as her short little self can.
"The stars are falling from the skyyy, and you're the reason why!" A raptor shrieks, driving itself into the ground, "The moon is shining on your faaaace, and it finally feels it's found its place. Cuz maybe baby I just wanna do you, do you." Five raptors claw each other's ears and eyes out, "Do you wanna do me, do me?"
"You're doing it Jess!" Heather jumps up and down excited, "It's working!"
Jess keeps singing, "Underneath the moonlight, moonlight tonighhht." And even after all the raptors are gone, dead, fled- all the above, Jess keeps singing. And for once, no one stops her. "Baby maybe, maybe I will steal you, steal you. Just so I can feel you, feel you. Maybe that will heal you, heal you….from the insiiiiide."
And Jessica's singing gets louder and louder until everyone around her drops dead.
| Timothy chapter 1 . 10/17/2012
Ve? Hilarious, but...that...you...how...? How could you have misspelled fuhrer? And no, that isn't an innuendo for anything. Broski, if you wanna know the truth, I was dying of laughter and hoping no one was reading over my shoulder. Teehee!
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| BiteMe93 chapter 1 . 3/6/2010
wow, this is great! I absolutely loved it :D
I particularly liked this:
"CNC: Who would name their child Dead Guy # 3?
Prof: Someone with incredible foresight." lol
| Snarkybum chapter 1 . 12/27/2009
Wow, that was freaking amazing! I didn't get anything out of it till the very end and then it just kinda burst at the seams. You really changed my mood, Thanks so much!
| TymCon chapter 1 . 9/16/2009
Hahahahah that was so funny:P From proffesor redrums obviousness to dectective kicking dead guy number 3 for no reason:P
| Andwin chapter 1 . 9/15/2008
Loved it... did you show this to me toward the end of school or am I remembering somthing else?
| Koki Enwai chapter 1 . 8/4/2008
Haha. That was awesome! It reminded me a bit of a radio drama, but I could definitely picture Clue as I read it. . . I loved it. I can't believe how wide your range is. You write fantasy stories, horror stories, short stories, and now this! I wish I could pull it off!