|Reviews for Wrapped in misery|
| Ciaobellla chapter 6 . 8/20/2008
aw- i am so sad it is over!
are you writing a sequal?
nonetheless- awesome story!
| english summer rain chapter 6 . 8/20/2008
haha yay, a happy ending. i'm glad you brought happy endings to all the characters and not just the mains, it made the others have a more integral part of the story.
in the last part it's 'who's this mel you...', but i think that's the only grammatical/spelling/formatting error i found, so you're improving! :D i also really like that line ... corny but yeah. however i don't think the next line of dialogue is really necessary.
when sheela admitted to liking luke i sort of found that abrupt and interrupting mel's nice little angry rant, also kind of inconsistent charcter-wise as if i remember correctly sheela and mel have only known eachother for a few hours at least? they must have bonded really quickly.
and the change room scene ;) very good descriptive paragraph, though it ended abruptly, i think you should've let it flow, maybe fuse the dialogue with a few kisses or something (not that they needed any more). and at the end when you say they had another make out session, it seemed like you just stuck in something to make time pass, and not for an actual reason - to add to the story (not that you did do it, it just feels like you did). fusing the dialogue with making out can fix this; but it's just a suggestion. i also think, to keep consistent with mel's character traits she should reject his kiss at first.
now that that's out of the way; good job man :) now it's all done and finished and you probably feel more accomplished than i do. keep writing, and work on keeping character traits consistent (though i realise it was a little hard seeing as this was so short), typos ;), making sure your descriptive paragraphs and moving paragraphs flow properly (there was a large contrast between your moving paragraphs - 'bob walked over to mary' - and your descriptive ones; i must say your descriptive ones were alot better) and try not to make parts feel rushed, like you're trying to get to your fantabulous ending and making the other parts lack some quality.
| xilaberry101 chapter 6 . 8/20/2008
hey, thanks for mentioning me in the AN. The chapter was really great, but i do wish you would keep writing or do a sequel or something, because six chapters just seems a little short and you are an amazing writer.
| Ciaobellla chapter 5 . 8/17/2008
god chapter. i liked it.
| english summer rain chapter 5 . 8/17/2008
just a few formatting/spelling/grammatical errors (don't worry we all get them).
...drop dead gorgeous./He was going to say something but Luke's phone, with the Gnarls Barkley's Crazy ringtone, cut through.
"... I'm only 16 and Luke, he's only 17."
At least he's mine, bitch!/ Stone threw away ...
you also might want to add a few for breaks in the para. 'Mel was going to answer...turned and started to walk out of the room'
there were a few more after that but i was too hooked to paste them here :D
(all the above was before i read your an, but i just thought i'd point them out to you just incase you missed them)
in this chapter, mel goes shopping right after stone indirectly calls her a slut, but in the previous chapter it said the gig was at night?
i also found that there was a lot of inconsistent character traits that ran through this, for example, i found it surprising that stone regretted his action straight after he did it, i always thought of him to be a little arrogant and ignorant of things. you could allow him to regret it a different away, while still revealing that he likes mel. also when luke doesn't get pissed at stone for liking his sister, while he did it to every other guy, i got the impression that he would stick by that, best friend or not.
overall good job on this chapter! and the next chapter is the last one? how could you? this could go very far with this stonexmel thing. :)
| Ciaobellla chapter 4 . 8/16/2008
anywho i am reviewing again. i liked this chapter again.
and i cast my favorite vote for stone! ;)
| Ciaobellla chapter 3 . 8/16/2008
this is an awesome story! i love it ;)
But i have one question, did their mom leave them, or
did she like od on drugs? & how old is mel?
sorry i am just curious.
but i really really really like this story!
update soon please!
| english summer rain chapter 4 . 8/13/2008
first part! little grammatical thing; 'and even though she didn't like to admit it, he was amazing.' :D
also in the last italics part; '"Heya guys."
there were a few more, so you might want to proof-read it again. don't worry, i make stupid mistakes like that too. -sighs-
i like how you introduced sheela! i think there was a little change of tone in sheela's part because you started introducing her thoughts in italics, and i don't think (correct me if i'm wrong) you did that when it was mel's point of view. that's a little inconsistency thing but nothing drastically bad :D
i also think sheela's dialogue didn't really suit her, when you introduced her, i imagined her as a really quiet, withdrawn girl who didn't really like socialising much. haha, but that just might be me, so don't worry.
oh and for the 'crap. crap. crap. crap.' part, i think one crap would be enough for the first part, and then the four afterwards. and then put 'hang on...' in italics, but i'm pretty sure that wasn't your fault (bloody fp's pathetic formatting).
anyway, i'm glad you like my reviews! sometimes i think i'm being too harsh so i erase half of it, so it's nice to see that people are appreciating them (i see i'm not the only one who hates reviews that go 'great adjectives, keep writing'). and i really want to break convention, but that's not going to happen because stone is a goddamn awesome name, and he sounds like a chick magnet. damn ;)
| english summer rain chapter 2 . 8/13/2008
much much better :D now deepak and elliot are actual people!
| horrorland-pixie chapter 4 . 8/13/2008
hey i told you i would review so i am doing
i really like it
its a good story :)
| english summer rain chapter 3 . 8/10/2008
finally found some time to read your 2nd and 3rd! first kudos for actually deciding to continue this (i've got a first chapter up, and since then have had no motivation to bother writing the next), so yeah :) i have no idea where this is going which is a good thing i suppose.
in the second chapter, i think you kind of overloaded us with characters, and i was like who what (scrolls up). also all we have a names to visualise the characters, so description and some more character development would be nice.
also you have a very poetic feel in you're writing. to fuse poetic language and prose together is actually quite hard to do, and though your descriptions are quite vivid, the transition between scenes was less well written. i didn't really see things happening in the brilliant scene you set up.
but i have to commend your dialogue! there were a few things which were a bit :S but not really worth a mention.
oh and one more thing, the last bit in this third chapter. seeing as mel is supposed to be shit upset by the end of the dialogue and i didn't see that. and when she 'smiled weakly back at him' and then started crying, it didn't flow properly for me. but it just might be me :) the last paragraph was well done though.
great job! i look forward to see this story unfold. :D
| DeceptionIsMySpecialty chapter 2 . 8/5/2008
I liked this...thanks for updting. Stone is so adorable. He obviously likes Mel. Can't wait to see what she's gotten herself into at that party. Hopefully nothing serious. So update soon.
| serendipity90 chapter 1 . 8/2/2008
deffinitely interesting, i would like to read more into this, hope you update soon :)
| DeceptionIsMySpecialty chapter 1 . 8/2/2008
I really loved this. It was written beuaitfully. I would love to see you continue this, because as a one-shot I'm not really sure it works. But loved it.
| english summer rain chapter 1 . 8/2/2008
i like, i like. i know this is complete but i'm very interested to see this continued.
by the way, stone is a bloody ingenious name.