|Reviews for Amazon|
| MindTemple chapter 1 . 7/18/2009
This is certainly a gripping first chapter!
I like the style that it is written, very journal-like. I was considering doing a story like this, but then discovered that it was FAR more challenging than it looked. Congrats!
Hell Bugs are an interesting subject that seem to keep me reading. I don't know why... but the thought of them intrigues me.
*moves onto next chapter* Great job with the story! The only critique that I can really give is to proofread for grammar mistakes. Sometimes it became awkward and hard to read, but it was fine.
Excellent start to a story!
| Knightmare Elite chapter 2 . 6/25/2009
Okay, why weren't they all wearing the repellent 24/7 after seeing what those bugs do? Again, this is really following the horror movie formula with the dumb decisions characters make for the sake of racking up a body count. Not sure if that's your intention, but since they were taught to make the repellent, there's no reason why should shouldn't have it on at all times.
I'm confused here, at what point did these creatures become zombies. Aren't zombies, by general definition reanimated corpses, but you said Nick wasn't dead, and I'm guessing you're using the Dawn of the Dead (remake) type turbo zombies?
Um call me skeptical, but this is one of the few times the characters actually have an absurd level of weaponry and ammunition in a horror story. The problem is that we're to seriously believe they came to the rain forest armed to the teeth, specially with shrapnel grenades. Sounds like they intended to cause a small war with that arsenal.
Also, it's a bit strange how these explorers steadily became professional killers within a span of 2 days. There also seems to be a discrepancy in the number of survivors each time it's mentioned.
Okay, why are the police drawing their pistols at the emerging boat? That just makes no sense since they're not expecting anything dangerous to happen. The ensuring reaction was completely unrealistic, no one crowd would be that calm with a zombie outbreak, especially the media.
There are plenty of issues here that need to be addressed. There were some intense action scenes, but, they are ultimately marred by the clunkiness of the writing and severe gaps of logic.
| Knightmare Elite chapter 1 . 6/25/2009
Many of your descriptions come across as rushed and lacking detail. While I understand this is written journal style, with an attempt at sounding natural pacing really ruins the effect. Some parts you have extraneous information, other parts things are sparse leaving the reader to piece it together.
It's hard to build up suspense when everything is moving so fast. You jump from one description right into a dramatic scene with little transition.
As the for dialogue, it doesn't match up with the atmosphere. No offense, but this sounds like it was written by a teenager. There are just too many instances of "casual talk" especially the use of a word like "weird". If this guy is an esteemed traveler and financing half this expedition, he should speak in a more professional manner.
The part with the bugs, you should have went into more detail about the actual tests they conducted. I don't know, it seems too early to reveal to source, even if in limited detail. It seems too convenient to find out so fast, especially after they got a special repellent to protect them.
I groaned at the typical stupid decision Lisa makes. In every horror of this type, they ALWAYS bring whatever they find back home which leads to a trail of bodies, and a final over the top showdown.
I know this only the first chapter, but so far, those are the things that really stuck out to me. The story has potential, but you really have to be careful to avoid the common pitfalls of horror, specially the cliches.
| John 3 16 chapter 1 . 6/19/2009
This is a very good story and I look foward to reading more, there are a few grammatical errors, (I make loads myself!) Ie: Reality became realty, but it is still a very good, original, story. I look foward to reading more.
| Schaefer chapter 1 . 5/27/2009
Great story, I liket the format of the journal entrys. Excellent storyline two thumbs up! (just remember spelling counts to :D)
| pboyasp chapter 1 . 5/5/2009
very interesting story
| Error code 666 chapter 1 . 4/29/2009
not bad for a first chap, i really cant help u with spelling or grammar, sorry, the story is good thou.
| Thedude10 chapter 1 . 4/29/2009
i think the story is a bit scary but NOT ENOUGH DESCRIPTION
You could of described the surroundings like say if you were writing in your diary except writing extra details like
I saw a lorry
I saw a khaki coloured lorry
the second one is more descriptive explaining what colour is the bug explaining who you are
describing the other charachters, what they look like, personality etc
| Christian R. is Fang chapter 5 . 4/20/2009
i like it alot! it should be a tv show!
the only critiques i have are: some spelling and grammar correction, and not so much victim counting. i mean, why count them if they are just going to be shredded? ahah
I REALLY LIKE IT THOUGH!
i like the Zombie idea, it doesn't sound so ridiculous the way you put it, it sounds a tad creepy and scary! i like! ahha
| rainfallxo chapter 5 . 4/18/2009
| TheComebackStrikesBack chapter 5 . 4/18/2009
Really cool! Some grammatcal errors but other than that it's great! Good story line, very interesting.
| The Egg chapter 1 . 4/1/2009
I'm disappointed. Amazon is well written, few typos besides what I could find: you spelt "excited" minus the c (exited, as in 'to exit'), and these sentences-
"We were going to run back to our tent, we were really freaked out. He said almost in tears."
-should be only one. Replace the '.' after 'freaked out' with a ',', and uncapitalize the H of 'he' of course.
What threw me off was the overall clunkiness...there weren't many typos, like I said, if you were going by technicality (if I were being technical, I'd never end on your problems with commas); however, much of the first chapter of Amazon could be revised to be quite a bit more graceful and attractive. My critiques are lenient to descriptiveness and sentence structure when it comes to "Journal Entry" stories, though.
And how Greg's death was dealt with was not believeable at all. It read like a bad sitcom. What you could have done in the first chapter was keep Greg alive, just fiercely wound him by the jaguar; this way, both Lisa's and Mick's reactions would be valid (which aren't as the entry reads now), and you also could of had dialogue and reaction from Greg. I certainly understand that you wanted to get the story moving, but keeping the situations believable is extremely important in the Action genre.
Another situation that was quite far-fetched was the amount of money spent on this expedition. Dear lord, 100 mil, and half out of his pocket, all for a venture in the amazon (although if they're American I could certainly believe it with the gov't we have...jk)? To be more realistic, the adventure should have been entirely funded by the specialists themselves; especially since the gov't probably wouldn't want people dying on their money and would have some way to check in with the specialists...not to mention that they would probably have something better to carry their stuff than pack mules.
The virtues of Amazon are that you claim to be consistent in your updates-"a chapter a month"(hey, better than my habits)-and the journal entry style of writing is going to give you a lot of lenience when it comes to descriptiveness (which, since it is a "Lost" inspired adventure in the amazon, I think you should work on, since it could prove to be invaluable to the quality of Amazon) and the English language, since it's written by someone who may not be an expert at English grammar, punctuation, etc.. For example, I like the story better without dialogue quotes, though it isn't in accepted style.
Not bad, but it's not quite good. Keep up with the consistency, though; practice never hurts.
| newshound chapter 1 . 3/28/2009
Just got through reading the first chapter. I like how the story started out, but see some errors as well. First off, the language is too casual and the description needs to be more specific. It's hard to get a clear picture of the scenes and what is happening. Is there a clear goal in mind, or are they just looking for new species? $100 million for this expedition? For that money they could probably buy a section of the rain forest. Also, why was jaguar capitalized?
Only using first names and lacking any real descriptions makes it hard to connect with the characters. Mick, Jim, Lisa, they're just names. You need to make them into people.
I'm seeing some grammatical errors as well. Run-on sentences, words that shouldn't be capitalized or should be, things like that. The writing needs to be streamlined.
As I said, a good story, but more work is needed.
| vinny2 chapter 2 . 3/23/2009
The writing style was what bothered me the most. It did not seem like a scientist who was writing it for himself. It looked like he was purposely writing it for someone else's benefit, which he wouldn't do if he were just jotting down notes for himself. He wouldn't be giving the name of the person and his or her occupation in the same sentence. If this were notes for himself, he would only put the name since he is already acquainted with their occupations.
Secondly, your spelling is off on a few locations. The biggestest one would have to be that you use the word "are" every single time that you were suppose to use the word "our."
The emotions were lackluster. Rather, nonexistent. Dr. Martinez wrote the memoirs as if that had not only happened before, but rather that this was a normal occurrence on his trips. There really didn't seem to be much fright. Just facts. Had he been writing this for himself like a journal is meant to be, he would have progressively smaller inserts.
I just want to ask if you are away of the regular size of a sniper rifle. The M-24 is large. It has to be mounted for good accuracy. There is a reason why the people on the ground use smaller guns. It's easier to use. The guy with the sniper is on the rooftop, but it's virtually impossible to shoot a sniper rifle while you're running.
On top of that, what exactly were the expecting that they needed their own personal army to protect them? Yeah, there's dangerous animals, and that could be reason for some protection. Possibly some territorial natives, but they weren't expecting zombies. They just happened to bring enough people just in case.
| Atreyu Legend chapter 1 . 3/17/2009
I read in another review that you submitted to another author that you wanted a review so I thought I'd write one.
First off the journal entry idea was great for this type of story. You also manage to stay in detail and stay focused on the main point of your story.
I also enjoy the action and blood and all that which I thought wouldn't be present in a story like this due to the journal entry but you did a way better job than I thought.
You should check out and review my story it's bugging me because I have no reviews.