|Reviews for Ashes of a Phoenix|
| Happy Pappy chapter 1 . 8/9/2008
Review Game. Depth.
I liked this opening chapter. It contained a great amount of character building as well as a peak into the life of this princess. Not to mention a tasty amount of action and adventure.
Basically, it's as close to a perfect opening chapter as you can get.
For starters I'm gonna say I'm not a big fan of vampire stories. Most of them tend to be very cliche and, in my opinion, boring, However, this story seems to put a new twist on an old concept, which is great. You take pains to illustrate the main character as 'not the average princess.' Well, actually you could say she's more average than the usual beautiful fairy tale princess. Whatever, basically all I'm saying is I like your main character. /
Criticism wise, there's not a whole lot that needs to be said. Grammar and spelling is great, dialouge wasn't bad, description was decent but could use a little work, and pretty much everything else was up to snuff.
So, good job and keep writing!
| rassoodock chapter 2 . 8/7/2008
opening- i liked the way you did the opening with the quick burst of sentences. it fits the quirk of the characters and is an attention getter.
dialogue- the dialogue flowed well in the story. it sounded real enough without being contrived and flowed well. the inner voice within the story also flows well.
characters- your mc has just enough spunk to her without getting aggravating. her narration fits with her style, as does her actions and interactions. although she does have a cliche about her, (spunky female mc is really overdone) she is well written.
other-you seem to have a good sense about your story and your own personal style. i think that as a writer, you could go to some interesting places.
minor error i found:
"Gods I hated Friday nights"
"God, I hated Friday nights"
| BeautyisFleeting chapter 2 . 8/7/2008
INTENSE! I was expecting Frufru fairytale stuff, but man did you surprise me! The beginning moved alittle slow, but that was my only problem with it!
| Aqua Revolver chapter 2 . 8/6/2008
That was most definitely intense!
| PhantomBialystock chapter 2 . 8/5/2008
Wow! You caught me off guard! I was expecting something like Princess Diaries, especially after those first few paragraphs, but this is NOTHING like that. It was such an enjoyable piece to read and kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time. Where the girls dead? Would the main character kill those vampires? Questions filled my head the whole time.
Your writing is very cool, too. It's got just the right ammount of spunk in it to make your character seem modern, but it's not SO spunky that it sounds immature and gets annoying. The thing about the prince getting run over by the truck at the beginning was prety funny, too! Your use of sarcasm and tongue-in-cheek humor throughout this first chapter was great!
Your main character is great. I love how you made her a princess, but didn't stick to the glamorous ball-going fairytale princess. It's a very creative twist having a princess be a vampire slayer and makes you wonder more about her background/culture.
The only thing I suggest is more dialogue. I know this is only the first chapter, so it's probably coming, but dialogue always makes a story more interesting. Reading paragraph after discriptive paragraph can become tedious. Dialogue adds character and mood to the scene, and let's the reader understand the characters involved a bit more.
But besides that, this story looks extremely promising!
| Master Judgment chapter 2 . 8/5/2008
Review Game! (All of this BETTER show up. I've had problems when it didn't before)
Opening: You have a good hook, so it captivates your readers. Your introduction before the prologue is phenomenal as well. Your prologue smoothly introduces the plot to your readers. Your last sentence, which leads into your 1st chapter is also well-written.
Char: Guenivere seems to be a very down-to-earth girl. Your use of her slang and expressions create a certain realism to your story. I like Gwen’s mental strength to resist temptations in order to fulfill her destiny too.
Relationships: Gwen’s relationship with the other teenagers is well established and very direct. However, a little more emotion would help, unless she is supposed to be apathetic.
Enjoyment: I enjoyed reading the prologue, but got a little confused in the middle, but when I was past that part, your lead-in sentence led me to want to read more. I definitely enjoyed Chapter 1 because you packed it full of action and thought.
Plot: I don’t think your plot is cliché. It is pretty original, but of course (I bet many people have said this), it reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You develop the plot slowly through the prophecy, but at a good pace. I like how Hunter’s blood has special healing powers. I have a similar concept in my story.
Pace: This was very well done. It wasn’t too fast or too slow. I had no thoughts of impatience to when the vampires would arrive because Gwen kept busy, whether it be the reader hearing her thoughts or the activities of the restaurant. The action is intense as well, which kept me enthralled at all parts.
Syntax/Mechanics: You have a few fragments and incomplete sentences. This is a bit confusing to me. Look back at the part where you describe Oedipus. I like the way Gwen describes her eyes with the simile of a sapphire. It was very creative. Your diction well establishes the tone of annoyance from Gwen
Conclusion: Your last line of Chapter 1 is also phenomenal. It develops suspense and again captivates your readers. I look forward to reading more from you.
Overall: Extremely well written, but work on your syntax as your sentences are sometimes incomplete thoughts that make readers have to scroll back up to remember what was being said. I especially love your hooks in the prologue and the end of chapter 1. Keep up the great writing!
| 0tomorrow0 chapter 2 . 8/3/2008
very nice re-write! keep going. can't wait for beta to finish checking chapter 2. cmon beta! you can do it! you can do it! *starts a chant* P
| cloverluck11 chapter 1 . 8/3/2008
i'm looking forward to the revised version :D
| daysend chapter 2 . 8/3/2008
I found and read your other story earlier today. I enjoyed it a lot. So far I think this story has a much better intro. I am worried however that you changed it from Romance/Adventure to Supernatural/Angst. The angst thing is the part that bothers me there was very little if any real angst in the last one so I wonder how much you really are going to change. Hope to see more soon.